Quotes Of The Week For June 3, 2018

THE BREAK WITH MICHELLE WOLF

"[Roseanne] got fired for her tweet when 'despicable people' like Bill Maher, Sam Bee and me get away with making 'offensive jokes' all the time. And you're right. It is a double standard, so let's even the playing field. How about we enslave all white people for a couple hundred years, and then even after they're not slaves anymore, still hold them down in society, devalue their existence by comparing them to animals, [then] never apologize?... Then, after that, there will be no more double standards, and everyone will get fired for everything they say."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"You can't just do a bunch of sh—ty things, and then say, 'I'll reverse it.' This is someone's life, not a f—king Missy Elliott song — although, in fairness, you do probably need good stretch pants if you're going to put your thing down, flip it and reverse it."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER (Bonus Quote!)

"Generally, balls are to the human body what Starz is to a cable package. It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at, and nobody really knows what to do with it."

ANIMAL KINGDOM

"There are a lotta Codys — and I'm the nice one."

Before deafening an accomplice with a gunshot, Deran (Jake Weary) issues one last threat

ANIMAL KINGDOM (Bonus Quote!)

"Don't throw your life away on... college."

Deran (Jake Weary), encouraging Adrian not to give up his dream of becoming a pro surfer

THE HANDMAID'S TALE

"Blessed be the fruit."

"May the Force be with you."

Janine (Madeline Brewer) puts an intergalactic spin on her customary response to June (Elisabeth Moss)

THE FOSTERS

"I accepted her friend request on Facebook, and I'm very generous with my likes."

Callie (Maia Mitchell) totally doesn't hate Eliza

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"I want this show to be challenging, and I want it to be honest, but I never intended for it to hurt anyone... except Ted Cruz."

AMERICAN WOMAN

"A liar is the worst thing you can be. A stripper is also bad."

Bonnie (Alicia Silverstone) tries to instill important values in her young daughters

SUCCESSION

"It needs to say that I respect you, but I'm not awed by you, and that I... I like you, but I need you to like me before I can love you. So, what says that?"

Tom (Matthew Macfadyen), asking wife Shiv for help picking the perfect birthday gift for her Richie Rich father

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

"If you pee clear, cheer!"

Among Aquaria's many talents: crafting cute rhymes about urinary health

THE HAVES AND THE HAVE NOTS

"You have to understand that the only woman I've been with is... "

"No, no, no. Don't, don't say her name, 'cause she'll appear!"

Erica (Presilah Nunez), warning David (Peter Parros) not to risk bringing Veronica back to their doorstep

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"Last year, I drank way too much vodka, so I had to break up with Tito."

Tinsley, explaining how she wound up enamored of red wine

YOUNGER

"Back in the day, we didn't call it sexual harassment. We called it business as usual. The dirty innuendos, men always bragging about the size of their penises. I'd give it right back to them, ask them to prove it. Very few of them called my bluff. Maybe six. ... No, seven! ... My point is: When I was younger, I was valued for my appearance, but over time, my experience surpassed my looks. Rising scales, falling breasts! ... Am I right?"

Diana's (Miriam Shor) views on feminism and misconduct in the workplace are... exactly what you'd expect them to be, honestly

THE CROSSING

"You know, with everything that's been going on around here lately — I'm talking about the people claiming to be from the future..."

"Yeah, I'm following you."

Thanks for clearing that up, Nestor (Rick Gomez)!