Quotes Of The Week For May 26, 2019

GOOD OMENS (Episode 1)

"Well, I'll be damned."

"It's not all that bad, really, when you get used to it."

The demon Crowley (David Tennant) takes the angel Aziraphale's (Michael Sheen) turn of phrase literally

PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ

"The last time India and Pakistan played each other in the World Cup, over a billion people tuned in. In terms of viewers, that's nine Super Bowls, 52 Game of Thrones finales, or a billion Murphy Brown reboots."

ANIMAL KINGDOM

"He doesn't trust you. Gay dudes get around, man."

"Oh, yeah? Tell me more about gay dudes. I see one person in this car who's had antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea twice, and it's not me."

Craig (Ben Robson), failing to convince Deran (Jake Weary) that his boyfriend fears he'll be unfaithful

ANIMAL KINGDOM (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm not your hooker."

"I pay you, and we have sex, so what does that make you?"

"If I was charging you for the sex, you'd be paying a lot more."

Mia (Sohvi Rodriguez), clarifying her job description for J (Finn Cole)

TODAY

"I'll tell my daughter, 'OK, it's time to take a shower,' and she'll say, 'Can we put cucumber slices on our eyes?'"

"Wow, that's so 1 percent-y!"

Carson Daly is floored when Jenna Bush Hager describes her daughter's obsession with spa days, despite never having been to a spa

THE TWILIGHT ZONE

"I take it I have your attention. Good. There's a lot to explain."

Original Twilight Zone host Rod Serling "returns" to help protagonist Sophie make sense of her chaotic day

THE AMAZING RACE

"I'm so having anxiety right now. I'm peeling off my nail polish — and these are gels."

Rachel Reilly is stressed out after the topic of U-Turning another team is brought up

FOSSE/VERDON

"I didn't say it was true, Bob. I said it was a satisfying ending. You want true, go to a priest."

Playwright Paddy Chayefsky (Norbert Leo Butz) lays down a key distinction between real life and fiction

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"It's all fun and games until somebody pees in the only bathtub in the house."

Tinsley Mortimer really should release a book on vacation etiquette

IZOMBIE

"Let's try this again. Perhaps I should introduce myself."

"Oh, no, no, I know who you are, man. You used to play Doogie Howser."

Blaine's (David Anders) 19-year-old neighbor takes a jab at him

GOOD GIRLS

"Who are you even going for?"

"Rupert Grint."

"The ginger from Harry Potter?"

"Yes. The doctor says he's closest to my bone structure."

Annie (Mae Whitman) and Ruby (Retta) question Boomer's plastic surgery goals

DOOM PATROL

"I have waited centuries for the rapture foretold in the scriptures! Twice you have brought us to its brink, and twice you have failed. Explain yourself, I demand it!"

"I was going for more of a personal tale of vengeance and betrayal. You know, emotional stakes — real premium cable s—t."

Mr. Nobody (Alan Tudyk) should have remembered he's on an upstart streaming service

DEADWOOD: THE MOVIE

"Name the day of the week, Al."

"What the f—k difference does the day of the week make?"

"Say the name."

"Tuesday, then, you half a skank whore-looking c—sucker."

"Friday, it is."

"Mistaking Friday for Tuesday! Well, secure my burial plot!"

You'd think that Al (Ian McShane) would have gone with (Mr.) Wednesday

DEADWOOD: THE MOVIE (Bonus Quote!)

"Wu, feed that f—k to the pigs."

Bullock (Timothy Olyphant) has no interest in giving Samuel's would-be lyncher a proper burial

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

"What be the result of your ancestry test?"

"Oh, just your stereotypical Mexican—"

"Piñata farmers?"

"Piñata farmers, mmhmm."

Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) hides from Nandor (Kayvan Novak) his newly discovered Van Helsing roots

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"You look good! A little rocking a dark vibe...  but good."

Deke (Jeff Ward) "reunites" with "Coulson"

LUCIFER (Episode 5)

"Look what came in the mail today — it's a Me costume."

Eve's (Inbar Lavi) costume leaves little to the imagination

LUCIFER (Episode 5 — Bonus Quote!)

"See, we didn't have to chase him at all. He got tire'd."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) wields a wheel to waylay a suspect at a car show