Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 16, 2020

We've rounded up the best TV quotes from Feb. 16 through Feb. 22, 2020. Scroll through our gallery of zingers, bon mots and one-liners below, then tell us if we missed any of your favorite lines from this week's television!

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"[Americans] like having choice. It's why the No. 1-rated series on Netflix is 40 minutes of looking through the menu for something good. It's basically America's new national pastime."

MOM

"I have an intense fear of needles. It's why I became an alcoholic, even though heroin has less calories."

Jill (Jaime Pressly) reveals to Christy why she never turned to hard drugs

YOUNG SHELDON

"Imagine all the stimulating conversations that must go on at these tables... I can see myself going here one day."

"I think you'd fit right in."

George Sr. (Lance Barber) agrees that Sheldon (Iain Armitage) would fit right in at Caltech someday

SUPERSTORE

"What the hell?"

"Oh, cool! Is this racism?"

"No! And don't be so excited about it."

A customer gets a little too excited when he suspects a surveillance camera is racially profiling Garrett (Colton Dunn)

THE CONNERS

"Even if I wanted [a baby], he knows I'm, like, 100."

"Hey, you might still have a couple of pterodactyl eggs rolling around in that prehistoric womb of yours."

"Alright, I guess I deserve that for all the jokes I made about your wrinkled uterus."

"You said my cervix is where they filmed Golden Girls."

Darlene (Sara Gilbert) and Becky (Lecy Goranson) rib each other about having babies in their 40s

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

"There are two things you don't want to be in a horror movie: having sex, and black!"

Malcolm (Sheaun McKinney) takes stock of scary movie tropes

THE GOOD DOCTOR

"I made Carly a special breakfast this morning. And then she wanted to have sex, so we did."

"That's great, Shaun. Next time, feel free to say you just missed the bus."

A late-to-work Shaun (Freddie Highmore) discloses too much about his personal life to Claire (Antonia Thomas) and the fellow residents

LAST MAN STANDING

"Here at Outdoor Man, we provide benefits for our part-timers: paid medical leave, and all-you-can-eat chili at the annual meat summit — which, sadly, leads to a lot of paid medical leave."

Mike (Tim Allen) lists the pros (and cons) of part-time employment

MODERN FAMILY

"Four pills? Is he going to be OK?"

"He can handle it. Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s."

"So did I."

Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) makes a funny when Cam (Eric Stonestreet) and Claire (Julie Bowen) discuss whether Jay can withstand four muscle relaxers

LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Jean-Paul, my purse isn't gonna walk in by itself."

Zari (Tala Ashe) gets Nate and the rest of the team into Marie Antoinette's super exclusive party 

GOOD GIRLS

"Don't lose your chicken over it."

"What does that even mean?"

"It's like having a cow, you know?"

"Then say, 'having a cow!'" 

"Well, a cow is, like, totally chill, so you're not going to just lose it 'cause it's just gonna stand there, and a chicken is, like, running around crazy, you know what I'm saying?" 

Annie (Mae Whitman) and Ruby (Retta) debate the semantics of barnyard animals

GREY'S ANATOMY

"His wife is in love with someone else. I just lied to him while he has a nose in his arm because he saved her from a bear!"

"Alright, well, sometimes, patient care is complicated."

Jackson (Jesse Williams) and Jo (Camilla Luddington), having that kind of day

BOB'S BURGERS

"If God wanted us to listen to audiobooks, She wouldn't have given us eyes to watch TV."

Good point, Gene (Eugene Mirman)

CRIMINAL MINDS

"Ha, look at that handsome devil!"

"So Strauss was the angel and you're the Devil."

"I never said that, just the handsome part."

Foyet (C. Thomas Howell) fancies himself quite the ladykiller (or a killer of, well, anyone really)

TOMMY

"I'm the chief of police, I'm new to L.A... Still trying to figure out how to go east from Santa Monica at 4 o'clock."

"You just don't."

Tommy's (Edie Falco) worst fears about Los Angeles traffic are confirmed by a POI

WILL & GRACE

"Look, have you ever seen NCIS?"

"No."

"Has anyone you know ever seen it?"

"No."

"But you still believe it exists. Will, God is NCIS."

Jack (Sean Hayes), explaining to Will (Eric McCormack) how he believes in God

CRIMINAL MINDS (Bonus Quote!)

"Wait, you're moving out of here like the Colts did Baltimore?"

"No one knows what that means."

Luke (Adam Rodriguez) and the team catch Garcia attempting an Irish good-bye

NCIS

"So warm..."

"What did you just say?!"

"Nothing."

Jimmy (Brian Dietzen) just couldn't let a rare Gibbs (Mark Harmon) hug go without comment

BATWOMAN

"I've always wondered what my life would have been life if you saved me. I just never imagined I'd be so... basic."

Alice (Rachel Skarsten) is not impressed by her traumatic childhood-less self

FLORIBAMA SHORE

"I really am gonna miss all my dysfunctional naked roommates."

And if MTV doesn't renew this guilty pleasure for a fourth season, so will we, Candace. So will we.

HAWAII FIVE-0

[Harry, into comm] "The password is all-caps LANGFORD, with a 6 for the G and a zero for the O."

"You know, for a spy, you really should have a stronger password. Just saying."

Tani (Meaghan Rath) thinks Harry's login is double-oh-so-lame

THIS IS US

"Batman? I like that."

"Oh, yeah? Well, when you get back, we're using that."

"Jae-won calls me Batman, too."

"We're no longer using that."

Randall (Sterling K. Brown) and Beth (Susan Kelechi Watson) briefly toy with, then abruptly abandon, the idea of bringing a certain DC superhero into their bedroom

THE UNICORN

"I lost my wife, too."

"Well, I guess technically that's true..."

"She's in a better place now."

"She's in Pittsburgh!"

"She always wanted to go there."

Wade (Walton Goggins) loses his patience playing wingman to a would-be client (guest star Donal Logue)