Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 8, 2015

"You know, if these two puppets ever had a sitcom together and it got cancelled, this one would be fine because he's kinda fresh on the scene, but this one's career would be over because he's had two failed sitcoms."

Justin (Brent Morin) warns Danny (Chris D'Elia) what might happen to his puppet Chris D'Elia if the cancellation of Whitney is followed by the hypothetical cancellation of Undateable

"This is gonna hurt more than when your Netflix special comes out and nobody watches it."

Danny (and/or Chris D'Elia) won't be there to catch Justin (and/or Brent Morin) when he falls (and/or if his Netflix special tanks)

"What's your name?"

"Kill me."

"That's a stupid name. It's dangerous. You should change it."

Eastman (John Carroll Lynch), trying in vain to get to know unexpected visitor Morgan (Lennie James)

"You're just a week into this superhero thing. You're gonna make some mistakes!"

Winn's (Jeremy Jordan) pep talk is undoubtedly meta

[Internal monologue] "Drunk at 9 am. That's the last time I have breakfast with Ruth Bader Ginsburg!"

Sounds like Cat (Calista Flockhart) just got Ginsburg'd

"There were no Syrians there! Could you not even find one? Paula Abdul is half Syrian. How hard would it be to fly her out to Vienna and put her in a chair? She might be good at peace summiting. She made peace with MC Skat Kat and they were opposites. They were complete opposites!"

"Opposites Attract" enthusiast John Oliver doesn't understand how a Syrian peace summit can be held without the presence of Syrians

"I don't believe this — we're getting Merlin's voicemail?"

Regina (Lana Parrilla) lays witness to the sorcerer's prerecorded message

"Not bad for a bloke who spent the last thousand years in a tree."

"It's just like riding a bike."

"How do you know what a bike is...?"

Merlin's (Elliot Knight)'s magic-throwing swag dazzles Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) and Charming (Josh Dallas)

"Just one more fight. I need Happy to see me in a more manly, less academic light."

"You want more manly? Lose the hat already."

Cabe (Robert Patrick) has some fashion advice for lovelorn Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas)

"It's called The Grinder? That's the title of it? The Grinder?"

"Yeah."

"Was that always the title?"

It would probably help if Gail (Christina Applegate) knew that 
The Grinder came before that Grindr

"When I was a younger man coming to Hollywood, I joined a certain church... for actors. Celebrities in general. Tom Cruise, specifically."

"Is that one of those Protestant churches?"

"Not exactly. It's a church in which people believe they are immortal spiritual beings."

"Like the Holy Spirit?"

"Or say, aliens who are trapped on planet Earth and must find their true selves through self aspiration."

"Like in prayer?"

"Or a carefully crafted, monetized system of levels on the bridge to total freedom in hopes of uncovering your God-like secret powers."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) describes the Church of Scientology to Alba (Ivonne Coll)

"You look amazing! What's your secret?"

"Birth control."

Lina (Diane Guerrero) gives Jane's post-baby weight loss instructor her secret to staying so fit

"So, do you do Bill Cosby? I love him."

"Me too. America's moral compass."

Mey-Mey (Kathleen Rose Perkins) and Gus (Ken Marino) would love for Louis (Randall Park) to do an impression of America's favorite sitcom dad... in the year 1995

"Here's an interesting article on U.S. Continent Trust in The Financial Times. It will make our flight go faster."

"Looks like it'll put me to sleep...."

"Exactly."

Mr. Johnson (Wesley Snipes) isn't about to dealt a flight full of questions from Alex (Philip Winchester)

"Man, you're like a broken record."

"Dude, I don't even know what a record is."

Chris (Jacob Guenther), reminding Greg (Santino Fontana) that he's a youngster

"I like Rebecca, but I don't like Rebecca. I have very positive feelings of attraction towards her, but I also kinda wanna punch her in the arm."

"You just described fifth grade."

Chris (Jacob Guenther), putting Greg's (Santino Fontana) "complicated" relationship with Rebecca in perspective

"Would you love to marry him one day?"

"Yes, I would!"

"And you definitely want a ring?"

"Yeah. And if I had one like half the size of yours, I'd be set!"

[Long beat. Copious audience laughter.]

"But mine is an upgrade. I put in over 17 years of work!

Wendy advises audience member Pauline on her boyfriend's withering view of engagement diamonds — while also staunchly defending her own massive rock

"It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life's journey began in my hero's scrotum."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) greets Leonard Nimoy's son in his own unique way

"What is your earliest memory of the character Spock?"

"The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was 'The Galileo Seven.' Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II, then my brother came in, sat on my head and said 'eat farts.' After that day, I was hooked... on Star Trek, not my brother's sphincter-based cuisine."

Adam Nimoy sends Sheldon (Jim Parsons) on a stroll down memory lane

"This is an historic moment. You know, Tupac, Old Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E have all performed as holograms. But only Michael Jackson and I have performed as white holograms — so, congratulations to us."

Hologram Jimmy Kimmel greets the crowd in Nashville during Wednesday night's simulcast

"Did [Donald Trump] register for gifts at his wedding?"

"I don't remember."

"Did you get him a wedding gift?"

"I went to his wedding!"

Hillary Clinton is the gift that keeps on giving

"You know, our Dr. Wells may have been evil, but you're just a d—."

Needless to say, Cisco (Carlos Valdes) isn't Harry's (Tom Cavanagh) biggest fan

"Is there a metahuman who can time travel...? Because that would be pretty cool."

[Cisco politely laughs, then says under his breath] "I'm not so sure about that."

If Patty (Shantel VanSanten) only knew what a "time" Team Flash has had with such metas!

"I'm just glad the latest person from Oliver's past is not another gorgeous woman."

After Shado and Sara, Oliver's pal John Constantine is a refreshing change of pace for girlfriend Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards)

"Portofino is lovely this time of year. Life is too short to spend haggling over flex conduits and electrical chases."

"My son drowned in Portofino."

[After the inspector storms away] "Well, who could have predicted that?"

Red's (James Spader) bid to bribe a building inspector is all wet

"Well, well, well! Finally decided to crawl out from under your rock, huh? ... You're a real piece of work wanting my forgiveness. I don't know what you're dying of, but I hope it's slow and painful."

"She's not your mother."

[Pause]

"You have a super day!"

Bonnie (Allison Janney) has every right to be mad at her absentee mom, but as Christy (Anna Faris) points out, that isn't her

"I never developed a taste for alcohol."

"It has a taste?"

Unlike her mother (Ellen Burstyn), recovering addict Bonnie (Allison Janney) didn't seek out alcohol for its flavor

"Did you go to Hearst College?"

We caught your Veronica Mars shout-out

"So far it sounds to me like all of our problems could be solved with condoms and rock salt."

Major (Robert Buckley) responds to Liv's concerns about slipping on ice and scratching him or having sex with him, thereby turning him into a zombie

"I knew you'd wake up all boo-hooey. You probably have half a mind to turn yourself in. Luckily, I have the other half."

The "other" Ed (Cory Michael Smith) isn't about to let himself take the rap for killing Kringle

"That smell really does slap you in the face, doesn't it, Alfred?"

Selina (Camren Bicondova) one-ups tea snob Silver and deftly alludes to her prior run-in with the Wayne butler

"Justice is like an orgasm. It can never come too late."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller) works a very cold case

"He's knee-deep binge-watching The Wire. He just started Season 2."

"Oh yeah, he's not coming out any time soon."

According to Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles), Castiel's fallen into a TV catch-up hole after discovering Netflix last week