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Quotes of the Week for Oct. 2, 2016
NEW GIRL
"We know you're voting for Trump."
"Not on your life, nor am I voting for that flip-flopping helmet head in a pantsuit. I'm only focused on one election — the election that matters: Paul Ryan 2020."
Life-long Republican Schmidt (Max Greenfield) informs Jess and Cece that he's already looking ahead to the next presidential race
THE GOOD PLACE
“Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104 percent perfect. That’s how you got Beyoncé.”
Michael (Ted Danson) explains that things can be “perfecter”
YOU’RE THE WORST
“We are making strides, though. We have a plan to stop being fax-dependent by the next war.”
Veterans Affairs chief Tabitha (Julie White) assures Edgar that the VA is keeping up with the times
FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE
“So be perfect, but not too perfect. Save us from fascism, but, like, don’t be a bitch about it.”
Bee sums up the media’s totally reasonable pre-debate expectations for Hillary Clinton
MARVEL’S LUKE CAGE (Episode 1)
“UPS ain’t the only brown that delivers.”
Cottonmouth (Mahershala Ali) is quite proud of his gun-running service
MARVEL’S LUKE CAGE (Episode 3)
“Now I got it all figured out. I thought you didn’t have a boyfriend because you love the brothers, and not many brothers get with a girl who carries a gun and can kick their ass. But that’s not the reason…. The reason is you’re a Celtics fan living in New York City!”
Scarfe (Frank Whaley) calls a foul on Misty’s fandom
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH
"Everybody grab a weapon! Throats and balls! Aim at throats and balls! And eyes! And uh, uh, butts! Just aim at anything!"
Tandy (Will Forte) tells the survivors how to defend themselves against an approaching enemy
IMPASTOR
"You’ve got quite a left hook there, ‘Rocky.'”
“Your reference escapes me.”
“You’ve never seen the movie Rocky?”
“I don't enjoy entertainment."
"Huh."
Buddy (Michael Rosenbaum) spars with Hilva (Bonita Friedericy)
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
"The New York Times reported before the debate that 'Mr. Trump can get bored with both debate preparations and debates themselves… His advisors see it as a waste of time to try to fill his head with facts and figures.' Yeah! His head doesn't have room for facts and figures because it has to hold seven words."
TRANSPARENT
"I'd like to donate my excess skin to research."
Maura (Jeffrey Tambor) gives the doctor unnecessary instructions about a forthcoming cosmetic procedure
TRANSPARENT (Bonus Quote!)
“Fifteen percent is what you give for bad service! Fifteen percent is when they spit in your food! Fifteen percent is when they stab you!”
Maura (Jeffrey Tambor) has strong feelings about what constitutes a decent gratuity these days
SCREAM QUEENS
“This is what I learned at Quantico… and by watching movies about Quantico… Ooh! And the hit TV show Quantico, now in its thrilling second season.”
As always, Special Agent Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash) is on the case
YOUNGER
“Thirty new friend requests?"
"Wow, he's really getting that post-death bounce. You know, it's always sexier when you can't get it."
Kelsey (Hilary Duff) and Lauren (Molly Bernard) try to make sense of Thad's popularity on social media after his untimely death
THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT
“…Or we can just masturbate our way into Hell… with a guy who looks like the only blonde magician."
"If you're referring to Trump, I don't think Trump could actually masturbate his way to Hell because his hands [are] too small."
"Proportional match."
THIS IS US
“I got you the commercials, I got you a soap, eventually got you a job paying $3 million a year, making you so famous that you could wear a ski cap when it is 80 degrees outside and no one would say a damn thing.”
Kevin’s agent, Laney (Katey Sagal), says what everyone’s thinking about beanies
EMPIRE
“I don’t trust polite people, stupid.”
Cookie (Taraji P. Henson), arguing with Jamal about the intentions of seemingly perfect New York councilman Angelo Dubois
THE BIG BANG THEORY
"Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer."
"Yeah, you must have somebody in your family that's a lawyer."
"Why, because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying, 'You're Indian. Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?'"
"My cousin does work in a call center."
[Pause] "And my cousin's a lawyer."
Howard (Simon Helberg) and Raj (Kunal Nayyar) enter a fight about stereotypes that neither of them can win
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
"I don't want to let Wells Fargo off the hook here, but after 10 accounts, any bank would have been better. Chase bank. Citibank. Even Elizabeth Banks would have been a better place to stash your money."
Oliver weighs in after a victim of the Wells Fargo scandal waited to speak out until he discovered a 10th bank account in his name
MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
"What are you doing here?”
“I’m having trouble with my van. Yesterday, out of nowhere, it just burst into flames. And I hear you’re kind of an expert at that kind of thing, so…."
Daisy (Chloe Bennet) puts the heat on Robbie Reyes aka Ghost Rider by crashing his workplace
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE
"This is a little bit weird. Never been arrested before. I mean, I was 'detained' once by Taylor Swift's security team, but that was a misunderstanding. She's probably gonna write a song about me."
Jake (Andy Samberg) details an inadvertent brush with the law
NCIS: LOS ANGELES
“Goes double for me.”
Callen (Chris O’Connell) seconds whatever Sam said to a suspect in Arabic (provided, presumably, it wasn’t about him being sexually attracted to the guy)
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