In the final red… er, blue carpet moments before the ceremony kicked off, Kelly Osbourne asked Charli XCX and Ty Dolla Sign if their new single, “Drop That Kitty,” is in fact about vaginas — leading to the only appropriate response from Charli XCX: “Uh… sure, why not?” We know Ms. Osbourne is going through a rough patch with this whole Fashion Police thing, but some questions should just go unasked.
Though Elizabeth Banks was hilarious as a disinterested Effie Trinket ("I don't have a f— to give"), hostess Amy Schumer's Hunger Games archery bit died rather than killed. (Apparently, Jimmy Kimmel perished for nothing.)
BEST REACTION SHOT
When Schumer suggested that Gone Girl was the story of what one white woman — or any Latina woman — would do if cheated on, the show cut to Jennifer Lopez giving her least convincing “What? Who, me?” look.
Before announcing the nominees for Best Female Performance, Vin Diesel warbled a bit of “See You Again” for fallen “brother Pablo” (Furious 7 costar Paul Walker). And while the sentiment was inarguably sweet, next time, maybe he could just light a candle?
The interstitial skit in which Schumer was caught sneaking into a showing of Magic Mike XXL with a bottomless popcorn bucket had to be dirtier than the stripper sequel itself, right?
MOST AIMLESS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
After delivering a heartfelt thank-you to The Fault In Our Stars scribe John Green (and getting a wonderfully off-the-cuff introduction from Miles Teller), Shailene Woodley lost her way quite a bit while accepting the Trailblazer Award. When Woodley wondered aloud, “What am I trying to say?,” we could only guess, “Something about communities?”
LEAST CUNNING LINGUIST
Keeping it classy, Mark Wahlberg took advantage of his moment at the dais with Jessie J to try out his English accent and ask her what “take it in the Gary” meant in Britspeak. And while someone like Schumer could probably pull off vulgarity like that, he, um, couldn't.
No idea a) how Chris Pratt could have lost Best Comedic Performance or b) who styled Channing Tatum, but accepting the award for 22 Jump Street, the latter looked like a hot Judd Hirsch.
MOST SHAMELESS GROPING
Perhaps model/actress Cara Delevingne shouldn’t have reached out to pet the chest of the shirtless guy next to her… but we don’t exactly blame her for doing so.
BEST (SUPER)HERO WORSHIP
Let’s face it: We always wish we were part of Marvel’s most badass crime-fighting crew. But we’ve never wanted to sit at the cool table more than when Robert Downey Jr. received the Generation Award, during which each of his Avengers costars bowed down at the Iron Man before them.
…That said, after accepting the Generation Award from his fellow Avengers, RDJ threw to a preview for Age of Ultron. But at least he got one big laugh — albeit unintentionally — when he told viewers, "Keep your nose clean."
WEIRDEST ACCEPTANCE “SPEECH”
Not only did Dave Franco and Zac Efron claim their Best Duo prize in their De Niro get-ups from Neighbors, but the former tried to milk the latter's nipple, and the latter grabbed the former's junk. So truth is stranger than fanfic.
The giant blowup guitar that Charli XCX briefly played (with) during “Drop That Kitty” was the coolest faux instrument we'd seen since we last snagged an inflatable keytar from an ’80s Sing-Along at Austin's Alamo Drafthouse.
LAMEST VA-JAY-JAY JOKE
Two years after she hosted the awards, a winged Rebel Wilson fell flat with a bit in which she apologized for exposing her “girl power” to the president in Pitch Perfect 2. Sorry, but if Schumer's hosting, you're not going to make a better vagina joke than she will (even if yours does resemble a “neat burrito”).
In Kevin Hart's acceptance speech, the newly minted Comedic Genius made it clear that he considered his adorable kids, Heaven and Hendrix, the real prizes. (He even gave a shout-out to his ex-wife along with his fiancée.)