Quotes Of The Week For June 9, 2019

PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ

"Egyptians replaced their longtime dictator, Hosni Mubarak, with a democracy that elected the Muslim Brotherhood for a year before it was overthrown by a balder, shinier dictator, Sisi. You know what lasted longer than democracy in Egypt? Kevin Can Wait. CBS gave that s—t two seasons, the Muslim Brotherhood lasted one."

BIG LITTLE LIES

"You're very short."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't mean it in a negative way. [Pauses] Maybe I do. I find little people to be untrustworthy."

Mary Louise (Meryl Streep) sizes up Madeline (Reese Witherspoon)

BIG LITTLE LIES (Bonus Quote!)

"I don't give a f—k! I don't care about f—king homeless people!"

Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) objects to Abby skipping college to build housing for the homeless

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

"It's like Downton Abbey but in France! It's... Downton France Abbey!"

Oof. Now we all know why Lisa Rinna stars on TV shows as opposed to naming them

CLAWS

"Bitch pulled a Lady Bird on me."

"She jumped out the car?... I'm surprised your ass saw that movie."

"Well, only the first scene."

Roller (Jack Kesy) shocks Desna (Niecy Nash) with his deep pop culture knowledge

JANE THE VIRGIN

"Maybe we should go out tonight, meet people, see what's out there?"

"Sounds terrible."

"It really does. I am not a big fan of wearing pants after 9 pm."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) and Petra (Yael Grobglas) make a half-hearted effort to play the field

THE BOLD TYPE

"Ice cream?"

"Not strong enough."

"Alex's whiskey?"

"Not yummy enough. [Sutton pours the whiskey into the ice cream pint] Oh, my God, you fixed it!"

Jane (Katie Stevens) and Sutton (Meghann Fahy) try to comfort Kat (Aisha Dee) after she loses the city council election

CARD SHARKS

"By the way, if you're just tuning in, you're missing the most exciting episode of Young Sheldon."

Host Joel McHale, as big winner John is fit to be bow-tied

MATCH GAME

"Every year for Halloween, I try to do a pun on my name. Last year I was 'The Hans-maid's Tale,' the year before I was 'Hans Solo'.... This year, with everything that's going on, I think I'll be 'Hell in a Hans-basket' or something."

"Wow. Sounds like you have way too much time on your Hans."

You've gotta Hans it to Alec Baldwin

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Virginia, it really could be you. Plus, you're the birthplace of Chris Brown, Rick Santorum and Pat Robertson, so frankly, you f—king owe America this."

Oliver pleads with Virginia to become the 38th state to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"In honor of the upcoming season premiere of Stranger Things, Burger King announced today that it will start selling a so-called 'Upside Down Whopper.' And McDonald's announced that the McRib is back in honor of the HBO series Chernobyl."

LUCIFER (Episode 8)

"Father Kinley told me about a prophecy..."

"[Lucifer chuckles] Riiiight. What is it this time? Are frogs about to start falling from the sky? Or... perhaps winter is coming."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) won't be throne by a pesky priest

LUCIFER (Episode 9)

"You can't touch this!"

"Yes, I get it. It's the lyrics to the song."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) thinks Ella (Aimee Garcia) is still in "Hammer Time" mode

MARVEL'S JESSICA JONES (Episode 1)

"Aren't superheroes supposed to save people? Captain America would never have done this."

A tween girl, forced to return home to a mother she doesn't like, isn't impressed by Jessica's act of heroism

MARVEL'S JESSICA JONES (Episode 2)

"Hell, no."

Trish (Rachael Taylor) takes the Hellcat costume for a spin — and she's not a fan

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Our tracker shows [Deke] is not from here. But he's not Shrike. What is he?"

"Exhausting."

Sarge (Clark Gregg) asks May (Ming-Na Wen) about her unbelonging friend