Related Galleries
This Is Us Character 
Riverdale's Couples, Ranked 
The Walking Dead: 8 Ways Rick
1 of 21
Quotes of the Week for Jan. 29, 2017
THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT
“You’ve gotta give [Donald Trump] credit: He can really get a lot of stuff undone — from Obamacare, to climate change, to torture… He’s already moved the country back to 2004. If this keeps up, pretty soon I’m going to launch The Colbert Report.”
Umm, fingers crossed?
SUPERSTORE
“I just wanna let you know that I restocked all the toothpaste that Myrtle decided looked ‘just fine’ in electronics.”
Jonah (Ben Feldman) fills Amy in on his productive morning
SUPERSTORE (Bonus Quote!)
“This is very nice of you, but this is terrible. It’s depressing and awkward, we have nothing to talk about, and I know this sounds weird, but this food smells like bowling.”
Amy (America Ferrera) complains to Dina about her “ladies’ lunch”
MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
“Did you know that online there’s a library of fan fiction about Quake? You should Google it, because…. actually, no, you shouldn’t. Forget I said that. Some of it is on the steamier side. Not that I’ve read it! But you hear things. I mean, they’ve got you ‘shipping with Black Widow. Some of the drawings are…. [Clears throat] They call you ‘Quack.'”
Koenig (Patton Oswalt) urges Daisy to embrace her Quake nickname
LUCIFER
“I’m going to give you 60 seconds, then restart your heart to bring you back.”
“Sixty seconds? I’ve had orgasms that last longer.”
“Sixty seconds is already cutting closer than I’d like. The brain only lasts three minutes after death. Or so I read. Just now. Like, on the ride over. Why am I doing this again?”
Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) did a crash course on old med school knowledge
TIMELESS
“What kind of clothes did you pick out for me?”
“I don’t know. Something shiny.”
“If there are parachute pants in that bag, so help me, God…”
Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) draws the line when it comes to ’80s fashion
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
“President Trump referred to CNN as ‘fake news’ during a Black History Month event today. Said CNN, ‘No, it really is Black History Month.'”
ARROW
“You trained Yao Fei? How is that possible? You’re half his age.”
“Do you know it’s improper to talk about a woman’s age? Let’s just say it’s a ‘family secret.'”
Talia al Ghul’s (Lexa Doig) beauty secret doesn’t come in a jar but a giant stone pit
POWERLESS
“You fired four people before you got to me?”
“Technically, they weren’t fired. One was crushed by rubble before he started. I like to think of that as God firing him.”
Emily (Vanessa Hudgens) is appalled to hear she’s the fifth new boss that Van (Alan Tudyk) has hired so far this year
DC’S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW
“The League didn’t call me The Magician for nothing.”
[Darhk snorts, does epic eyeroll]
Malcolm’s (John Barrowman) boastfulness fails to impress cohort Damien (Neal McDonough)
DC’S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW (Bonus Quote!)
“It may not be in the best condition — but then again, Captain Hunter is British.”
Damien (Neal McDonough) gets at the “tooth” of the matter
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
“The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying they’re not banning Muslims, they’re just banning people from seven Muslim-majority nations — which is sort of like saying, ‘We’re not banning white people; we’re just banning people who love La La Land.'”
TEACHERS
“It’s only a matter of time before people discover it. Remember, Beyoncé wasn’t built in a day.”
Caroline (Kate Lambert) tries to reassure Cecilia that her homemade jewelry will sell one day
BONES
“I know Hodgins is your husband and your soulmate, but…”
“No, no, we’ll kill him together.”
After Hodgins lets spiders get loose in the office, Cam (Tamara Taylor) and Angela (Michaela Conlin) plot their revenge
TRAINING DAY
“Police work is like sex, Kyle. It’s a lot more effective when it isn’t pretty.”
Frank (Bill Paxton) shows his trainee the ropes
THE BACHELOR
“Their relationship will be built off of, like, whipped cream and lies.”
Taylor accurately identifies the foundation of Nick’s relationship with the villainous Corinne
THE BACHELOR (Bonus Quote!)
“The scariest thing I could think of right now is probably Nicolas Cage. If I saw a ghost that looked like Nicolas Cage, I would sprint out of here.”
Alexis has no fear of a haunted New Orleans mansion, but she won’t be watching National Treasure anytime soon
THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH
“Do you understand how insane this is? People in the airport were pissed, and it’s not because they were at the airport. Welcome to Trump’s America.”
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
“I love a warm porta-potty.”
“I’m not real big on porta-potties.”
Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson clearly have differing opinions about where to use the bathroom
GOTHAM
“You realize you have to carry him now?”
“Son of a bitch!"
Tabitha (Jessica Lucas) points out Butch's hasty KO of Penguin
THE HAVES AND THE HAVE NOTS
“My dear girl, I don’t want to be in your presence any more than you want to be in mine. Your knockoffs make my labels sneeze.”
Veronica (Angela Robinson), reluctantly having a moment with Candace
Image: Courtesy of CBS
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of ABC
Image: Courtesy of Fox
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of The CW
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of The CW
Image: Courtesy of The CW
Image: Courtesy of NBC
Image: Courtesy of TV Land
Image: Courtesy of Fox
Image: Courtesy of CBS
Image: Courtesy of ABC
Image: Courtesy of ABC
Image: Courtesy of Comedy Central
Image: Courtesy of Bravo
Image: Courtesy of Fox
Image: Courtesy of OWN
