Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 20, 2019

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

"Was Joey [Lawrence] in Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor?"

While trying to place Blossom actor Joey Lawrence, Olympian Ryan Lochte invents a new title for Home Improvement

THE GOOD DOCTOR

"You've just gone through hell. You should be sleeping until noon, then go out for a Bloody Mary brunch and a credit card-crashing shopping spree."

"Those are all unhealthy ways to cope with stress."

Lea (Paige Spara) gives Shaun (Freddie Highmore) some extremely unhealthy self-care advice

CONAN

"It may only be 30 minutes, but let me assure you, it's going to feel like two hours."

Conan O'Brien, as self-deprecating as ever, as his TBS talk show downsizes to a half-hour

BLACK MONDAY

"What goes in your pocket at the end of the day comes directly out of some other sucker's a–hole. One guy gets a dope chalet in Vail... another guy has to tell his daughter that Christmas is cancelled because Santa Claus exploded in the Challenger."

Maurice's (Don Cheadle) motivational speeches are crude... but effective

BLACK MONDAY (Bonus Quote!)

"Of course I remember Top Gun! You made me see it three times opening night! And you know what? It wasn't a good movie! It was just a bunch of white boys trying to buttf–k each other in the clouds!"

Stock trader Dawn (Regina Hall) actually has a future as a movie critic

THIS IS US

"Do you think Dad will bring Nicky home the way he brought home Grandpa William?"

"No, I don't think so, honey."

"He sure likes bringing people home, though. Just sayin'."

Tess (Eris Baker) raises a good point after Annie (Faithe Herman) and Rebecca (Mandy Moore) discuss a potential outcome of The Big Three's road trip

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

"My point is, there's other fish in the sea. So you've just gotta get back on that horse... and fish."

Mike (Michael Cudlitz), encouraging son Eddie to get over his ex-girlfriend

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Are you saying that somehow it's my fault that you and Amelia are back together?!?"

"I'm just saying it's a crap situation, which is worse than it would have been, had you been a little more upfront!"

"I've had some excellent nicknames, but 'crap situation' might be my new favorite."

Amelia (Caterina Scorsone), overhearing just enough of an argument between Teddy (Kim Raver) and Owen (Kevin McKidd) to become collateral damage

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"We gotta save this lady — she's getting married."

"We have to save them all, even the sad and lonely ones."

Meredith (Ellen Pompeo), reminding Link (Chris Carmack) that an engaged patient is no more important than any other

GOTHAM

"[Over bullhorn] To the vile miscreant who murdered those innocent Havenites, you have nowhere to run!"

"There goes the element of surprise."

There will be no sneaking up on Zsasz, thanks to Penguin (Robin Lord Taylor)

THE ORVILLE

"Bortus, you have a kid — any suggestions?"

"Will there be an egg?"

"OK, that's a no."

Human childbirth is decidedly different than on Moclan

SCHITT'S CREEK

"I never saw myself living with someone."

"That makes total sense, considering how nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that."

"I'm pretty sure I can think of someone... by the end of the day."

David (Daniel Levy), certain-ish that he can prove (Annie Murphy) wrong

SEAL TEAM

"My primary mission as CO of the WASHINGTON is to fulfill the third arm of the nuclear triad. Your men, even my men, are second to that charge."

"With all due respect, sir, our government has spent years and millions of dollars training Petty Officer Quinn to conduct the dangerous operations that ensure that this boat never has to FULFILL that role."

Blackburn (Judd Lormand) won't let his trapped man's hopes be sunk by a stubborn sub captain

SUITS

"You are a wild stallion, and wild stallions have to run free."

"Louis, I'm really not comfortable with where this conversation's going."

"Shhh! All I'm saying is that you're a magnificent steed that gallops wherever the wind takes him. And I'm not going to ride you hard until you're able to start bucking underneath me."

Louis (Rick Hoffman) compares Harvey (Gabriel Macht) to a horse, much to the latter's discomfort

THE GOOD PLACE

"You died in Canada? Ugh. That is so weird and embarrassing. That's like the nip-slip of dying."

Gossip blogger John (Brandon Scott Jones) is not doing a great job of making friends with Tahani

THE MAGICIANS

"Wait, am I at Jeff Goldblum's house right now? What did I take?"

An encounter with horned God Ember causes Margo (Summer Bishil) to wonder if she's trippin'

CRIMINAL MINDS

"Lust murder involves the mutilation of body parts the UnSub finds most attractive, Now it could be feet, or knee caps, but it's usually breasts or genitalia–."

"OK, got it. Got it!"

"You asked!"

"Well, you know, maybe we should have a safe word or something."

Rossi (Joe Mantegna) tests the limits of Krystall (Gail O'Grady) hearing about his day at the office

THE FLASH

"Every time I try to talk about it, she starts singing Barney's 'I Love You' song."

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) says Killer Frost pulls no punches when dodging the topic of the metahuman cure