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Quotes of the Week for June 18, 2017
THE CARMICHAEL SHOW
“You think we’re proud of this? No, this is an embarrassment that black people would rather sweep under the rug — like Stacey Dash.”
Joe (David Alan Grier) takes a swipe at the Clueless star-turned- conservative pundit when agreeing with Bobby’s assertion that black people don’t read
THE CARMICHAEL SHOW (Bonus Quote!)
“Don’t you see that by making a big deal about this word, you’re just giving it power? You’re basically giving someone a weapon to hurt you with… I think everyone should just use the word constantly… until it dilutes its power and makes it meaningless. I’ll know we’ve come a long way as a nation the day I turn on Ellen and she says, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, my n—ga Bruno Mars.'”
Jerrod (Jerrod Carmichael) doesn’t think Maxine should be bothered when people use the N-word
VEEP
“Catherine’s on bed rest. She’s been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.”
“Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?”
Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) responds with her usual maternal affection when Marjorie (Clea DuVall) updates her on Catherine’s pregnancy woes
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
“Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, ‘We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.’ Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit and several people yelled, ‘Bingo!'”
ORPHAN BLACK
“I should like to put my hands around your neck and squeeze.”
“Then we’re not so different, you and I.”
This is probably as close to bonding as Rachel (Tatiana Maslany) and Alison (Tatiana Maslany) are ever going to get
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
“I have a master’s degree in American literature. There’s nothing I can’t handle.”
We have no idea what Ezra (Ian Harding) meant by this, but we’re sure glad he said it
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS (Bonus Quote!)
“Justice is a blindfolded bitch.”
Literally no one is safe from being called a bitch on this show — not even the concept of justice, according to Spencer (Troian Bellisario)
TWIN PEAKS
“What’d you say your name was again?”
“Tammy.”
“F—k you, Tammy.”
Diane (Laura Dern) isn’t here for anyone’s polite platitudes
GLOW
“What if people freak out? What if they put us on a watchlist? What if Bill Cosby gets mad at us?!”
Dawn (Rebekka Johnson) worries about portraying a Ku Klux Klan member in the ring — and with her Cosby reference reminds us that the show takes place in 1985
THE GONG SHOW
“I don’t think that’s an accurate gong. Do you, Ken?”
“Hey, hey, leave me out of this. I was Mr. Chow for three [Hangover] movies, so…”
Ken Jeong considers himself no arbiter of what is properly Asian
FARGO
“Let me tell you what’s gonna happen next: Three agents from Homeland Security are gonna put handcuffs on you and take you to Rikers… Then I’m gonna go home to my son. It’s his birthday tomorrow. I promised I’d take him to the state fair. You ever guess a pig’s weight? Or eat a deep-fried Snickers bar? There’s no better way to spend a Saturday in this, our great American experiment. So while you’re eating mashed potatoes from a box in a dark room, think of me, among the amber waves of grain.”
Gloria (Carrie Coon) calmly lays out Varga’s not-so-bright future for him
CASUAL
“An actual paycheck, how quaint. It’s like we’re back in the ’30s, but with even more demagogues.”
Alex (Tommy Dewey) manages to squeeze in some political commentary after receiving his first paycheck
ANIMAL KINGDOM
“Are you sure this place is ready to open? It looks like it needs some more work. Like… a lot.”
“No, I don’t want it to look polished.”
“Well… mission accomplished.”
Craig (Ben Robson), questioning whether Deran (Jake Weary) is really ready to unveil his new bar
BLOOD DRIVE
“I’m not joining your company, Small Wonder.”
Carpenter (Thomas Dominique) is wary of sexbot Aki’s recruitment process
BLOOD DRIVE (Bonus Quote!)
“What about you and Grace?”
“It’s… complicated.”
“I know all about that. Does she make you wear the c—k chain when she’s spanking you?”
“Something… like that.”
The Scholar (Darren Kent) and Arthur (Alan Ritchson) compare love lives
DAYTIME DIVAS
“I gently guided her to the realization that her real talent lay in reporting.”
“She had a face for podcasts.”
Mo (Tichina Arnold), translating what Maxine (Vanessa Williams) actually told a wannabe on-air personality
BETTER CALL SAUL
“The boss can suck me!”
Suffice to say, Don Hector (Mark Margolis) isn’t happy about having to work with Gus
HOLLYWOOD GAME NIGHT
“On one couch, we have a show full of people living in abject fear of the monsters who surround them at every turn. And on the other couch, we have The Walking Dead.”
Jane Lynch teases the Veep team with an old chestnut
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