“I would like to issue a formal apology… to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one.”
Colbert “apologizes” to President Trump’s other son after Donald Jr. releases his emails
“I’m sorry, ma’am, you can’t smoke here.”
“It’s a f—king morgue.”
Diane (Laura Dern) kinda has a point
“William Hastings was having an affair with the local librarian, Ruth Davenport. Ruth Davenport’s head was found on top of the headless body of your Major Briggs. Once we took Hastings into custody, his wife was murdered in their house — apparently by their lawyer, a man who is also now in custody. And the next day, Hastings’ secretary died in a car explosion–”
“What happens in Season 2?”
Hopefully the answer to Albert’s (Miguel Ferrer) question isn’t “Nadine joins the high school wrestling team”
“The last time I was on this show, I was paying tribute to Don Rickles: a beloved, legendary stand-up [comedian] whose career spanned more than six decades. Before that, it was Eddie Murphy: a comedian superstar… whose movies grossed more than $4 billion at the box office. Tonight, I pay tribute to Alec Baldwin, host of Match Games.”
Tracy Morgan belittles his former 30 Rock co-star’s most current gig
“I’m so glad we can fix our problems together as a family. It’s like an episode of black-ish.”
Cynthia (Loretta Devine) sees a little bit of the Johnsons in the Carmichaels
“Cynthia bought this bottle to celebrate for when Hillary was gonna win the presidency, but I guess a woman being promoted by the TSA is going to have to do.”
Joe (David Alan Grier) tries to see the (champagne) glass half full when Nekeisha gets a promotion at work
“Walt Disney, Paula Deen, Henry Ford… come on!”
“Your list of racists isn’t helping. [Awkward pause] You also forgot Mel Gibson. I’m not proud of myself.”
“Perfect example. These are all incredibly successful racists.”
Kyle (Jason Mantzoukas) tries to make Andrea (Andrea Savage) feel better about her potentially racist daughter
“This is, hands down, the most humiliating thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.”
“Not me. Not even close.”
Jason is far less embarrassed than Jessica about being a victim of the Ve-Toad Curse
“Nobody ghosts Krystal.”
“It’s difficult at first, but you get used to it, eventually.”
Krystal hasn’t been ghosted before, but Scott (Josh Vokey) clearly has
“I should talk to him. He’s my source. You and that Australian girl are going to, like, mess the whole thing up.”
Krystal’s (Tatiana Maslany) got a point, even if she doesn’t know where Sarah’s accent is from
“You know what’s bothering me about this case? It makes me ashamed to be a man.”
Interviewing rape suspects and their “loved” ones takes its toll on Hardy (David Tennant)
“Over the weekend, Los Angeles experienced a massive heatwave. Yeah, some people were so desperate for air conditioning that they went to go see the new Transformers movie.”
“I’ve made some wrong decisions when it comes to love. I married my first husband because he had a really nice ass and a great car.”
Vicki’s idea of what makes a perfect mate has evolved just a bit over the years
“I shall now split that arrow!”
“Team White House” archer Joshua Malina gets a bit ahead of himself after an impressive first FWIP!
“[Security computer voice] Carpenter, Christopher. Mailroom clerk. Access denied. Clearance Level 3 required for entry. Acceptable positions include: CEO. Vice president. Security guard. Fluffer. Primo. Head of marketing. Power bottom.”
Which of the aforementioned positions will Christopher seek to gain entry to the Hall of Secrets?
“Better?”
“[Groaning] Yes, thank you.”
“Great.”
“[Still groaning] No, I’m better.”
“Yeah, we cool?”
“[With a bit more groaning] I’m listening.”
Grace (Christina Ochoa) puts knee to Arthur’s (Alan Ritchson) jewels to keep her “sex zombie” partner focused
“Craig and I have this joke that all he wants is a ride-or-die girl, but I just want to know where we’re riding and why we have to die!”
At least Naomie has a sense of humor about her volatile relationship
“Any problems with the word vajayjay?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s not 2006.”
Kat (Aisha Dee) weighs in during an editorial meeting
“This is the worst Easter egg hunt ever.”
Sutton (Meghann Fahy) as Kat tries to get a Yoni (Google it) out of Jane’s vagina
“What kind of person goes to a sex club in Bangladesh?”
“It’s not like that. I had just seen Slumdog Millionaire, and I was trying to find Freida Pinto.”
“I believe she considers London her place of habitat.”
“I’m not talking about the real Freida Pinto. I’m talking about my Freida Pinto. There’s many different Freida Pintos out there, OK?”
Louis (Rick Hoffman) tries to explain his last vacation to Gretchen (Aloma Wright)
“Tonight, we binge!”
“Very exciting. God, I’m so glad we’re finally doing this. You know, there have been so many conversations about Damages that I haven’t been able to participate in.”
“[Pause] Recently?”
Max (Fred Savage) is surprised that people in Felix’s (Billy Eichner) social circle are still talking about Damages, which ended in 2012
“Oh no, I can’t. If I go two pounds over my perfect weight, my husband hides my heels.”
Mandy (Christina Moore) has a pretty good reason for turning down sweets
“At this point, it’s not even a high-level conspiracy. This isn’t House of Cards. This isn’t even Veep. It wouldn’t even qualify for Blue’s Clues!”
Noah reacts to the evidence of Donald Trump Jr. colluding with Russia
“The big news: Rob Kardashian’s Instagram breakdown over his ex [Blac Chyna]. And I bet when Trump saw that on Twitter, he was like, ‘It’s gotten worse, folks. Now there’s a black China.'”
“You had me at ‘Screw you.'”
Darius (Santiago Cabrera) and Grace have their own Jerry Maguire moment