Quotes Of The Week For April 2, 2017

THE MIDDLE

"We can liven things up here. Might be time to crank the Como!"

"What?! No! Drugs are not cool. Stay in school."

"I'm talking about Perry Como."

"'Perry Como, crystal meth... giving 'em first names doesn't take away the danger. What has happened to you?!"

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) is ready to "par-tay har-tay," just not in the way Axl (Charlie McDermott) fears

GIRLS

"My favorite show growing up was this obscure Russian cartoon about a tiny cup of borscht that had no father. The catchphrase was, 'Papa would be so hungry.'"

Ray (Alex Karpovsky) wins the depressing-childhood-memory sweepstakes, hands-down

BIG LITTLE LIES

"You're a real prince, Tom. I would've told him to go f—k himself. But I don't talk like that."

Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) shows off her impeccable Monterey-mom manners

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"I don't know if I would take legal advice from Donald Trump. Remember, he's been involved in more than 3,500 lawsuits — and just to give you a sense of what 3,500 looks like, here's a photo of 3,500 people."

BIG LITTLE LIES (Bonus Quote!)

"You know, I've actually been trying to figure out a way to impress you for a while now. I just haven't had my chance."

"You're straight?"

"What?!"

As surprised as Jane (Shailene Woodley) is to learn that Tom (Joseph Cross) isn't gay, Tom is even more surprised to learn Jane ever thought he was

BABY DADDY

"For the record, you being pregnant was never an issue." [Turns to co-worker for support] "Is that how HR told me to say it?"

Were these words from Riley's boss supposed to be... comforting?

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"You have to make the [U.S.-Mexico border] wall out of something impossible to get through, so I guess Season 1 of Iron Fist, yeah?"

AMERICAN CRIME

"I screwed guys in alleys. I screwed guys in alleys 'cause that was better than what I came from. I don't know if I'd be in danger, but I shouldn't have to ask the person who made me want to screw guys in alleys if I can have an abortion."

Pregnant Shae (Ana Mulvoy-Ten) sees no logic in reaching out to a poor excuse for a parent

ONCE UPON A TIME

"I have a toddler and a sleeping curse at home. I need this."

Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) is all in for a boozy Girls Night Out

ONCE UPON A TIME (Bonus Quote!)

"Son of a fish..."

Mermaid Ariel (JoAnna Garcia Swisher) was not expecting to see Jafar unleashed

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN

"I can promise you the vote tally is beyond reproach. The people at Price Waterhouse are honest to a fault!"

Academy president Wendell Corey (Anthony Tyler Quinn) vouches for the integrity of the Oscars' accounting firm — 54 years before their little slip-up

NEW GIRL

"Nick, you have been in love with this girl from the moment you opened the door and first laid eyes on her. I have never seen you look at anyone else like that in my entire life, except maybe, on a few occasions, me."

"I've never looked at you the same way I look at Jess."

"It was just a few times."

"There's never been a time."

"You looked at Coach maybe once or twice, me several times, Winston never. Let's table it."

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) has to go and make things weird when he helps Nick (Jake Johnson) come to a realization about Jess

NEW GIRL (Bonus Quote!)

"Are you going to Portland?"

"Nooooo. Portland is hella white!"

Aly (Nasim Pedrad) asks Winston (Lamorne Morris) if he intends to go to Portland with Jess

NCIS

"All right, Abby. Send me the coordinates...."

"Uh, McGee — your [burner] phone doesn't do GPS."

"Oh. Right. So...?"

"A map, McGee. Remember maps?"

Gibbs (Mark Harmon) helps McGee (Sean Murray), who is literally lost without a smartphone

THE MAGICIANS

"You have 24 hours to return to the portal."

"Or...?"

"I sit patiently waiting for you to come back. No, I eat you. I'm a f—kin' dragon. What do you expect?... Time to go. F—kin' millennials."

This talking dragon's got 'tude

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Skye, there are things about me you wouldn't like if you knew."

"Trust me. I know."

A Grant Ward harboring secrets? Tell "Skye" (Chloe Bennet) something she doesn't know!

SUPERNATURAL

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice a mail."

Cas (Misha Collins) still hasn't quite mastered cell phones

GREY'S ANATOMY

"I go a little dark and twisty. But then I come back."

"A little dark and twisty? You disappeared. You had a secret baby."

"Please don't refer to your niece as my secret baby."

Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) can't let Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) get away with downplaying her unique method of grieving

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"We could end up hating each other, and then there would be nothing to tell."

"You don't hate me."

"I could hate you. I have before."

Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) insists on holding on to the possibility that she won't have to tell Maggie that she's dating her crush, Nathan (Martin Henderson)

PRISON BREAK

"Greetings from the U.S. prison system, bitches."

C-Note (Rockmond Dunbar) and Lincoln open a can of American whoop-ass on some Yemen thugs

HAWAII FIVE-0

"You're a Navy SEAL, right? You know how to pick a lock."

"I know how to rig a C-4 charge. They taught me how to be a soldier, not Houdini."

Locked up by baddies, Danny (Scott Caan) assumes that Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) has a trick up his sleeve

RIVERDALE

"OK, that's all. I'm going now. My claustrophobia acts up in small houses."

Rich girl Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) knows how to make an exit — with a thinly veiled insult

DANCING WITH THE STARS

"I am having a very good time, I enjoyed it very much... Bruno, I'll see you in the parking lot."

While saying her goodbyes, eliminated contestant Charo has some choice words for judge Bruno Tonioli, who was consistently tough on her

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"I'm having a really tough time about going back to work."

"Oh, well I get that. It was tough for me when I went back."

"It was?"

"Of course! I missed you and the baby, and being able to watch Ellen every day..."

It's not entirely clear whether Howard (Simon Helberg) missed Bernadette (Melissa Rauch), Halley or his daily dose of DeGeneres the most once his paternity leave was up

REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

"Trump made clear that the cruise missiles [used in Syria] were a last resort. The first idea was sending Kendall Jenner with a can of Pepsi."

BROCKMIRE

"Oh my God, I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicapped stall in Bangkok when a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburned German watched us on the toilet."

"[Jules whistles] There it is. You can still paint a picture."

"Yeah, but that, that is a good deal worse."

For Brockmire (Hank Azaria), discovering he became a viral video sensation in absentia is more degrading than... whatever it is he just described