Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 9, 2018
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VANDERPUMP RULES
"What is so hard for you to understand, Raquel? When you were in Sonoma, getting your degree in kinesiology, your boyfriend was getting his degree in shoving his d—k in people that are not you."
Lala fills us in on the educational credentials of castmates Raquel and James
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COUNTERPART
"I don't know what's more pathetic — the guy who doesn't know he's a dupe, or the guy who knows it and just f—king goes along with it."
Howard Prime (J.K. Simmons) is never one to mince words
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SUPERSTORE
"I am going to teach you everything I know. You are going to be the best manager— sorry, managess that they have ever seen."
Glenn (Mark McKinney) promises to prepare Amy for Cloud 9's management training program in the most politically correct manner possible
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MODERN FAMILY
"Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. That means the government took back the airstrip."
Jay (Ed O'Neill) is about to open a box he should have left shut
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NCIS
"All right, somebody put a BOLO out."
"On who?"
"On the 300-lb. biker who dropped a log in this kid's diaper. Oh my God!"
Torres (Wilmer Valderrama) gets a whiff of his pint-sized new office mate
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TITANS
"I'm sorry. I would have liked to get that drink. But I'm in a relationship."
Angela (Rachel Nichols) "cuts" things off with a would-be suitor
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RIVERDALE
"You two finally got together, huh? I always knew there was something between you."
Jughead's mother Gladys (Gina Gershon) thinks her son and his pal Archie are now an item (they're just good friends, Mom)
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ARROW
"You really do have a lot of tattoos."
Supergirl (Melissa Benoist) uses her X-ray vision to deduce Batwoman's identity — and other hidden secrets
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THE FLASH
"Man, it's not even Tuesday."
Someone forgot to tell Ralph (Hartley Sawyer) that Team Flash would swing into action on a Sunday for the crossover
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DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW
"Gideon, any messages while we were gone?"
"You missed calls from Barry Allen, Oliver Queen and Kara Zor-El."
"Sounds like the annual crossover."
Ray (Brandon Routh) and his fellow Custodians of the Chronology take a "hard pass" on helping out this year
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DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW (Bonus Quote!)
"What the Fraggle Rock is going on here?"
Constantine (Matt Ryan) is greeted by some new felt friends
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THE CONNERS (Bonus Quote!)
"It's weird, I've never thought of Dad as a catch."
"Are you kidding me? At his age, if he can fall down and get up on his own, the ladies love it."
Jackie (Laurie Metcalf) explains to Becky (Lecy Goranson) why Dan is the cream of the crop among women of a certain age
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THE CONNERS
"If you're with a nerdy girl, push her down at the first sign of trouble. You get away, she gets a cool reputation, it's a win-win."
Becky (Lecy Goranson) tells Harris how to best handle herself if the cops catch her drinking again
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JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
"Just to recap: Donald Trump cheats on his wife while she's home with their infant son, Donald Trump has an affair with a longtime Playboy playmate, Donald Trump illegally pays both of them off, and Michael Cohen goes to jail for it. It's like if Johnnie Cochran did time and not O.J."
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THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT
"[Michael Cohen] went on rather poetically, 'The irony is today is the day I am getting my freedom back.' Actually, the irony is that while you're in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock."
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SINGLE PARENTS
"Mom, I know we're having a moment, but could you please hand the phone over to Miggy? Your framing is trash."
Rory (Devin Trey Campbell) isn't afraid to call his mom out on her poor FaceTiming skills
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THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT
"They just had an earthquake in Nicaragua, man. If you consider their suffering, I bet those sneakers you're complaining about will seem awfully small."
"They are small. Dad bought the wrong size Adudas."
"What size are they?"
"Extra-medium!"
Not only did Mike buy off-brand Adidas sneakers for Joey (Christopher Paul Richards), but the pair he purchased certainly won't fit
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THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH
"I know many people might want to see Trump in prison, but not me, OK? I do not want to see Trump go to prison. Mostly because if you put Trump in a prison jumpsuit, it'll just look like he's naked. And why should we be punished for his crimes?"
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SUPERNATURAL
"We've all been through it. Something of a rite of passage around here."
Castiel (Misha Collins) welcomes Jack to the "I've died and come back to life" club