Did Real Housewives of New Jersey air a new episode Tuesday? Or was it a rerun? Somehow, the answer is yes to both.
In the second episode of Season 13, we watched a whole lot of nothing. Teresa and Louie sent out their wedding invitations (which we already saw on social media months ago thanks to New York Housewife Ramona). New Housewife Danielle joined Jennifer for a debriefing of last week’s party (we, the loyal viewers, have already come to our own conclusions about the premiere’s escapades so we don’t need an on-screen explainer). The episode ended with Danielle hosting a mozzarella cheese-making party (the blandest of all cheeses) that devolved into multiple overlapping and exhausting arguments that lacked the flair of a gorgonzola or even a gouda.
Here’s what it all boiled down to in the end: Teresa and Melissa are fighting (again); Joe Gorga and Teresa are fighting (again); and Teresa swears on her dead parents that none of it is her fault (again).
We’ve seen this before.
All in all, the ladies need to turn it up a notch. We want them to flirt with us, entertain us, put on a, you know, show! (Take notes from Jennifer’s 9-year-old daughter who refuses to bike because she doesn’t want to risk damaging her “beautiful nose that’s actually natural” and calls out, “Where’s my bible?” during a downpour. That girl’s a star.)
With that in mind, we’re going to lay out some recommendations for how best to infuse some much-needed drama in Season 13. Basically, we need…
* Private tutoring from Nene Leakes or Candiace Dillard Bassett on how to read. (Enough of this “I’m just telling you how I feel,” straightforward nonsense, we want word-play.)
* Margaret to bring back her pig tails. (What happened to those little things, anyway?)
* An uptick in Teresa’s bootleg idioms. (This week’s “a fresh of breath air” was a start.)
* Producers to poke more fun at the women via cheeky editing and sassy captions a la Potomac. (Where’s the self-awareness?)
* Increased screen time from all the kids. (When Danielle’s son said: “I wish I was a man because I could speak British like nobody,” what exactly did he mean? We need a confessional from that guy.) Ditto Jennifer Fessler. (The way she ravaged that mozzarella in sheer frustration was something to behold.)
Bottom line: It’s time for RHONJ to stop rehashing the same feuds that all stem from the sprinkle cookie era or ELSE THE ENTIRE 13th SEASON will pass them by in one big boring blur.