HBO Max this Thursday unwrapped Harley Quinn: A Very Problematic Valentine’s Day Special, in which the title character’s mission to give partner Poison Ivy the best Valentine’s Day (and, yes, orgasm) ever triggered all sorts of sexually overcharged calamity throughout Gotham City.
It also raised questions about whether steel-and-concrete buildings can give consent.
The special opened with a montage of romantic moments taking place all across Gotham — Riddler proposing to Clock King, Catwoman slipping chocolates to an incarcerated Bruce Wayne…. And sprinkled through the 40some minutes were When Harry Met Sally-esque interviews with “super” couples such as Superman and Lois, Aquaman and Mera, and Darkseid and Queen Hyppolyta Don Jr’s wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle.
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Ivy was hoping to spend her Feb. 14 just Netflix & Chilling, and Harley seemed on board. Except, she wasn’t. Rather, she had deftly orchestrated a night featuring meatballs to nearly die for at Mama Macaroni, followed by fireworks and a bit of theater that got some random oil exec massacred.
Ivy was moved, yet Harley couldn’t shake the feeling that she fell short. And when Harley swiped the Lasso of Truth from Wonder Woman to confirm her suspicion -— Ivy had experienced better — she set out to one-up her fake greeting card holiday game! To that end, Harley paid a visit to Etrigan the Demon’s shop to procure a spell that would deliver unto Ivy the greatest orgasm ever — and wow, it did. To a degree that Ivy’s screaming eruption of pheromones bathed the city in an aphrodisiac, orgy-spawning cloud.
Among the affected were Clayface, who had just gotten cleaved in half and as such fell madly in love with his… butt. His talking, equally smitten butt. His talking, smitten butt whom he could not touch/”get inside,” lest they re-absorb each other.
Bane meanwhile found himself invited to join a dominatrix named Betty in torturing a client. But when Bane saw Betty indulge the man with small penis humiliation, he left feeling… inadequate, especially upon being invited to later hook up with his new lady friend. So Bane also sought out Etrigan, to supersize his manhood. Alas, Bane was in such a rush to pepper his peter with the potion that he failed to see the “DON’T USE IF YOU TAKE HGH” warning. And as a result, all of him swelled up to the height of a medium-sized building. A medium-sized, horny af building.
The rest of the episode was about Harley and Ivy searching for a way to pin down and “turn off” Bane before he had entirely inappropriate relations with the fourth floor of Wayne Enterprises, or caught up to visiting TV star Brett Goldstein and… well, we’re not quite sure how that would have worked.
#Harlivy had the idea to have a reconstituted Clayface take the form of a giant, hairy-chested Brett Goldstein and then un-arouse Bane by reciting many of the turn-offs from his dating profile. But it turned out to be Clayface-as-Brett’s grating misuse of the terms “Anyways” and “begs the question” effectively neutered Big Bane’s noodle — after which, Betty showed up and led the oversized goon away for…. yeah, no one is sure how that worked, either.
As for the central lovebirds? Ivy shared that perhaps her best, most-unbeatable Valentine’s Day ever was when one Dr. Harley Quinzel visited her in prison with some chocolate milk (and a complete recap of Shrek 3), as we got a lovely, unexpected flashback to their duo’s very first meeting.
What did you think of HQ’s V-Day special?
