Can you get bruised just from watching a brawl? ’Cause we’re pretty sure that Sunday’s especially brutal Yellowstone left us black and blue. In other words, “I Want to Be Him” brought the animosity between Lloyd and Walker to not one but two shocking crescendos. (As if one wouldn’t have been enough!) On top of that, Jamie tearfully sped past what looked to be the point of no return, and the occupancy of the bunkhouse got a whole lot less purdy. What the what? Read on…
‘YOU SHOULD GET TESTED FOR CHLAMYDIA, YOU F—KING HIPPIE’ | As the episode began, Beth told Rip that she wanted him to take her on a mysterious horseback ride. Mmkay. From there, worried that John hadn’t returned her calls, she made haste to the main house, where she found Summer wearing a shirt and… erm, not much else. By the time John made his way to the kitchen, Beth was brandishing a knife, and Summer, a… well, she was wielding a quart of milk. (Effective, I guess, if Beth is super lactose-intolerant.) “Here’s a situation I couldn’t-a dreamed up in a month of Sundays,” cracked John. As you’d expect, Beth was extremely welcoming of her father’s overnight guest. “Dad, if you’re gonna hire a hooker,” she cracked, “would ya please let me get you a good one?” Summer gave as good as she got, hissing at Beth, “Hope ya didn’t pay full price for that boob job.” But, of course, Beth had to get in the last word. “Actually, God gave me these for free. Looks like he gave me yours, too.” Needless to say, Beth wasn’t about to miss breakfast with the woman to whom John insisted he’d only given a shirt after they’d stayed up too late talking. “I hope you find a therapist who can help you,” Summer said in parting. “I hope you die of ass cancer,” Beth clapped back. “And,” concluded Summer, “the cowboy fantasy’s officially over.”
Over at Jamie’s ranch, things were only marginally less fraught. He didn’t just confront his father about ordering the hits on the Duttons, he did so at gunpoint. (No milk available?) Shoot if you want, said Garrett. It’d be murder, sure, but hell, we all know it “won’t be the first one you’ve covered up.” Point: Papa. From there, Dad brilliantly played mind games with Jamie, suggesting that he’d given him the strength to have his own place. And next, Garrett would make sure that Christina and their child became a part of the package. C’mon, “you gonna tell me you’d miss” John? Garrett asked. Lord knows there was no way Jamie would miss Beth. “I’d miss my brother,” Jamie argued. And besides that, um, what about right or wrong? “There’s no such thing as right or wrong,” Garrett said with a certainty with which it would’ve been hard to argue. “There’s no such thing as fair or moral. Those are words men invented to scare and shame other men from taking back what they’ve stolen. John Dutton used you, just like he used all his children… so nobody takes back what he stole.” So if Jamie was expecting a mea culpa, he was s—t outta luck. Damn right Garrett tried to kill the Duttons. “And I’ll keep trying till I get it right. That’s how much I love you.” Hearing that, poor, broken Jamie embraced Garrett, sobbing through steps he’d never be able to untake.
‘DO YOU WANNA BE CALLED PERSON?’ | In other developments, Kayce became smitten with the ranch that Monica had found for them and Tate when he saw how quickly their son bonded with the stray that kept hanging around. What should they call the dog, though? It was Dog for now, but that wouldn’t do in the long run; there’s already a Dog on The Walking Dead, after all. Soon, Kayce was distracted by Rainwater’s call to investigate the theft of 18 horses from a ranch on the reservation. When he asked to question the family that owned the place, who should be among them but — dun-dun-dun! — Avery. Everyone had wondered what became of her, Kayce told her. “Not a believer in goodbye,” she replied. “When it’s time to leave, I go.” Hello, sparks flying — a fact that did not go unnoticed by Monica, who quipped that if Avery had been a Yellowstone wrangler, she’d been a “pretty good-looking wrangler.” Pretty good-looking? Ha, said Tate. “She was one hot tamale.” Later, Monica couldn’t even sleep for thinking “about your little bitch in the tank top,” she told Kayce. So he rolled over and proved to her that “you’re mine.”
Back at the Yellowstone, Lloyd and Carter continued to bond — till the boy asked why the old guy was in the barn, not the bunkhouse. “No room for outcasts like us in the bunkhouse,” said Lloyd. Uh, Carter wasn’t an outcast, he insisted. He’d told Beth that he was sorry. Do it better, Lloyd said. Take your own advice, Carter shot back. “I didn’t say sorry,” Lloyd clarified before making the mistake of stomping off to the bunkhouse, where he proceeded to break Walker’s guitar and freakin’ stab his young rival. “Call the vet!” Of course, at that pivotal moment, Mia left. “F—k this place,” she said. Ugh. Please don’t let her catch up with Jimmy in Texas! While all hell was breaking loose, Beth was revealing to Rip that she wanted them to ride to “the place where you make me your wife. Somewhere fresh. Not a barn or a swimming hole or the river. Those places, they’re polluted with a thousand f—king memories.” She was looking for a place where nothing had happened until they had. He’d take her there tomorrow, he promised… just as Lloyd was brought to him in cuffs. Back at the bunkhouse, good God, there was at least a vet present, yet it was Laramie who yanked the blade clean out of Walker! Are you OK? she asked. “It’s just another Monday.” (Kinda hard not to love Walker, isn’t it? He’s the jerk of all jerks, but he’s a funny one.)
‘JUST COWBOY S—T, BABY’ | Apprised of the situation, John was livid with Lloyd, of all people, for breaking the rules. He’d also had it up to here with women in the bunkhouse. Tomorrow morning, he wanted them all gone. Even Teeter? She hadn’t done anything, Rip protested. Yep, all of them, John said. (Hey, at least maybe now Jennifer Landon will get a role where she gets more than a coupla garbled lines a week.) As for Walker and Lloyd, they were to fight it out till they had no fight left in ’em. Hard to watch, that was — so of course, Rip made Carter a witness to the whole shebang. “The only painless way to learn this lesson,” Rip said, “is to watch it.” And the guys’ fisticuffs were altogether raw. When eventually, John showed up to check in, Rip told him, “Walker’s been done for an hour. Lloyd’s got no quit in him.” So John stepped in to finish it, lest the ranch hands all hate Rip. “It’s my job — I’ll do it,” Rip insisted, despite the way that it tore him up to pummel Lloyd, the last man (almost, sorta) standing. At last, Walker and Lloyd agreed that they were done squabbling. As for Carter, he had a new idol. “I know what I wanna be when I grow up,” he said, gazing at John. “Him.” Don’t we all, kid?
Back at Jamie’s office, he met with Market Equities’ new bigwig — to his horror, Beth. He immediately guessed that she’d ruin everything for which he’d been working, and she was like, “Well, duh.” Meanwhile, in Texas, Jimmy was living a lonely life in what looked like a basement. And though the horse he was riding was reluctant to be broken, he kept being put back on it. “Well, ya don’t ride too good,” his boss noted, “but ya don’t complain about it, neither.” The boss’ advice? Learn to rope. So Jimmy, suffering as he was from a hard day in the saddle with a barely healed back, endeavored to do exactly that. Oh, where was Lloyd when Jimmy needed him? And what did you think of “I Want to Be Him”? Can Walker and Lloyd really coexist? Is this the last of Teeter and Laramie? How sorry is Jamie gonna be that he didn’t shoot Garrett? Hit the comments with your thoughts/predictions/fears.