“You’re watching a very special social-distancing edition of The Late Show — or, as I now call it, The Lather Show With Scrubbin’ Colbert,” he began. “The big story tonight is all of you people… [who] have hunkered down in their own houses to ride out the coronavirus. The CDC is saying this might go on for the next eight weeks, so get comfortable — and try to look on the bright side: You’re finally going to get to binge-watch all that toilet paper you bought.”
Colbert then cited some (half-true) examples of other times in history that humanity has had to sequester itself to prevent the spread of infection. “Did you know that Sir Isaac Newton retreated to his home in the countryside when the Great Plague of 1665 hit London? And it was during the isolation that he discovered calculus and came up with his theory of gravity? And that’s only because his kids were stuck at home, whipping apples at each other’s heads,” he deadpanned. (William Shakespeare also self-isolated during that time, which is “when he wrote King Lear and, of course, his most famous tragedy: Romeo and Pornhub.”)
The comedian then went on to discuss the importance of flattening the curve. “The important thing is to keep the number of cases below this dotted line,” he said (see graph, attached right). “That is the line at which our entire health care system becomes overwhelmed — and at that point, people might have to stay at home and treat themselves, then mail themselves the $8,000 medical bill.”
Colbert also ribbed President Trump and his coronavirus task force. The task force is comprised of 21 members, all of whom convened for a Monday-afternoon presser, where they warned the American public that they should not convene in groups of more than 10 people.
“This is actually a good math lesson for all those kids now being homeschooled,” Colbert said, before posing the following question: “If the coronavirus task force has 21 members, but groups aren’t allowed to contain more than 10 people, how many more months are we going to have to be eating Chef Boyardee?”
Colbert wasn’t the only late-night host to check in on Monday. The Daily Show‘s Trevor Noah posted two “Quarantine Dispatch” videos, in which he urged viewers to stay home and take necessary precautions.
Meanwhile, a self-quarantined Conan O’Brien demonstrated how to properly sanitize a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Were you happy to see fresh content from your favorite late-night hosts during this difficult time? Hit the comments with your reactions.