Crime may not pay, but reboots sure do! That was the general takeaway from Wednesday’s episode of BH90210, which chronicled Tori Spelling’s desperate attempt to get her former co-stars on board for the new show.
Sure, she was partially motivated by the $100,000 in damages demanded by the owner of her stolen dress — in addition to its “unlaundered” return (barf!) — but she was also inspired by the group’s chemistry. Let’s be honest, not every ’90s TV cast could still make picking up trash in the park look that good.
Tori’s pals unanimously rejected the idea of revisiting their old characters, leaving the would-be producer with only one logical choice: wait for each actor to slip into a moment of vulnerability, then manipulate them into signing by exploiting their deepest insecurities. She even went full Pretty Little Liars, tracking her progress with doll versions of everyone in a tiny-yet-elaborate model of The Peach Pit. (Because there’s absolutely nothing unhinged about that.)
She began by appealing to Jason Priestley’s fragile ego, promising the disgraced director that he could get behind the camera for the reboot’s pilot. This was considerably better news than what his doctor told him later in the episode — that he has a fertility issue, making it impossible for him to conceive a child without medical intervention. How then, you ask, did his wife become pregnant? Perhaps we should consult the creep who harassed her outside of her home this week. “You’re a publicist, you have connections,” he reminded her. “Do one thing for me, and your little secret stays a secret.”
Ian Ziering also proved surprisingly easy to convince, especially after catching his wife’s infidelity on camera, thus ensuring that she wouldn’t be entitled to any of his reboot earnings. His demand for in-show product placement didn’t go over too well with Jason, but with so much drama bubbling just beneath the surface, we’re thinking that’ll quickly become the least of their worries.
Tori also barely had to lift a finger to enlist Brian Austin Green, who realized that he only scored his latest movie role because Shay agreed to do a song on the soundtrack. At least David Silver was a role he earned, damn it! But while we’re glad to see B.A.G. getting his career back on track, we hope he vets his potential assistants properly — that Zach kid has “stalker” written all over him.
Gabrielle Carteris, meanwhile, is looking at this reboot as an opportunity to work through some of her own issues, suggesting to Tori that Andrea could now be “exploring her sexuality.” She even came clean to her husband about the same-sex kiss she had in Vegas, though we didn’t get to see his reaction.
And then there was Jennie Garth, who only agreed to join the reboot if she could bring her daughter Kyler on board as a recurring character. She had previously forbidden Kyler from becoming an actress, but when she filed for emancipation (yet another person leaving Jennie in the dust!), she knew she had to act quickly.
This week’s episode also reunited the group with Christine Elise (aka Emily Valentine), who’s now working as an executive at Fox, before leaving us with one last twist. In another Pretty Little turn of events, someone surprised the cast members with little dolls of their characters — only some of them were missing feet. And hands. And heads. Whoever’s messing with everybody certainly knows how to ruffle a few feathers. (Our money’s on either Shannen Doherty or that sea lion she was partying with.)
Now that we’re one third of the way through BH90210, let’s discuss: Are you enjoying the reboot? And what are your theories about all these new secrets? Whatever’s on your mind, drop it in a comment below.