It took six weeks, but we finally reached the “new beginnings” part of The Hills: New Beginnings on Monday, courtesy of comeback queens Mischa Barton and Heidi Montag. Once titans of their respective industries, Mischa (empress of television) and Heidi (mistress of music) have decided that it’s time to get back to business, leading to arguably the biggest twist in Hills-tory.
We’re talking, of course, about Heidi’s decision to become a Christian recording artist and release a “faith-based” song. Did we miss the episode where Heidi found religion? Either way, we hope her new material doesn’t stray too far from the lyrics she crooned back in 2010: “They say I’m superficial / Some call me a bitch / They’re just mad cause I’m sexy, famous and I’m rich.”
Meanwhile, Mischa — voted 2004’s Breakout Female TV Star by the Teen Choice Awards jury — went on her first acting audition since parting ways with her momager a few years ago. We still don’t know the name of the project, but we’ve gathered that it’s a period piece (1960s?) and requires Mischa to put on her best Designing Women voice as a brothel worker named Ruth. “If all the cards are right and fall into place, this could be a total comeback,” Mischa said. (Mixed metaphors aside, we’re rooting for her.)
Elsewhere this week…
* Stephanie, Audrina and Joey had a long-overdue sit-down to hash out all this Justin Bobby nonsense, and it accomplished… absolutely nothing. Stephanie insisted (for the millionth time) that she never hooked up with Justin Bobby, so Audrina — desperate for any opportunity to keep this imaginary love triangle afloat — decided to take a new approach: “I don’t even care if you did or didn’t.” What?! We haven’t been this confused since Spencer brought up the multiverse during his latest business update.
* The madness continued during a post-fight spat between Audrina and Justin Bobby, which ended with her telling him he’s “not that special” and asking, “Why are you such a d—k?” (With this relationship officially squashed, and Stephanie [possibly] not returning, The Hills is going to be hurting for romantic drama next season. Perhaps it’ll be time for some actual new beginnings.)
* Just asking… When is someone going to figure out that Frankie is the one pulling the strings behind the scenes?
Your thoughts on Mischa and Heidi’s comebacks? Audrina’s change of course? Ruth’s future at the brothel? Whatever’s on your mind, drop it in a comment below.