The Hills Recap: Mischa Barton Finally Stands Up to 'Scum Bag' Perez Hilton

The Hills: New Beginnings

Here’s the thing: We weren’t initially planning on covering The Hills: New Beginnings on a weekly basis, but then came last week’s inexplicably hypnotic premiere, and now here we are. Plus, it’s OK to be a little nostalgic for the 2000s.

One thing we haven’t missed about that bygone era, however, is Perez Hilton, whose appearance at Stephanie Pratt’s welcome back party felt perfectly natural and not the least bit staged for reasons of drama. Like Maleficent rolling into Princess Aurora’s Christening, the celebrity gossip blogger appeared amidst a cloud of thick pink smoke, instantly drawing ire from fellow party attendee Mischa Barton.

(Quick history lesson for all of New Beginnings‘ younger viewers: Hilton rose to considerable prominence in the mid–2000s, back when it was cool to be cruel online. Keep in mind, this was more than a decade before Melania Trump invented anti-bullying with her inspired #BeBest campaign.)

“At the end of the day, he’s a scum bag,” Barton said, explaining that seeing Hilton felt like encountering one’s high-school bully — a mix of “fear” and “adrenaline.” And she wasn’t about to let him leave without calling him out for his years of abuse.

“This bullying that you did for so long to so many young girls, I find it hard to let go,” Barton told him. “I really do. It’s not just about the body shaming, or outing people who are gay before they’re really out of the closet — all of that stuff, I just can’t really accept the apology entirely. … I don’t really sit well with people who purposefully harm other people.” (Kudos to Audrina Patridge for also getting one jab in. When Hilton said he couldn’t stop his old behavior, even though he knew it was wrong, Patridge cut in with “…because of the money?” Good contribution.)

Hilton — who was wearing a shirt with his name on it, which somehow wasn’t even brought up once during this entire argument — attempted to absolve himself by telling Barton, “I say this on my kid’s life: I swear, if I could go back in time and do things differently, I would.” But because the women dared to question his alleged sincerity, he replied, “I just swore on my kid’s life, and you’re s–ting on me now?” He and his self-identifying wardrobe then left the party in a huff. Watch a clip of the scuffle below:

THE PRATTS FALL | Like the Montagues and Capulets before them, no one can really recall how the feud between Spencer and Stephanie Pratt began, only that it’s a far more nuanced tragedy. Going into Stephanie’s welcome home party, Spencer had one goal: “As long as I don’t say the wrong thing, everything will be fine.” But considering the night ended with him yelling, “You’re not my family, I don’t trust you,” we’d say he needs to track down a more powerful crystal healer. (Also, Stephanie references The Daily Mail almost as often as the Real Housewives refer to Radar Online. That’s just free publicity right there.) Spencer’s wife Heidi, who already “accidentally” spilled a drink on Stephanie earlier in the evening, did little to diffuse the situation.

The real surprise here was Justin Bobby coming to Stephanie’s rescue like some kind of fairytale prince with better hair. He said he believes that Stephanie reuniting with her family is “part of her little destiny,” which was sweet… if slightly patronizing. He even followed that up a few days later by making a house call and literally serenading her. Again, a prince. (But wait, didn’t he take Patridge to a music festival shortly after this? Is The Hills really swapping Stephanie in for Kristin Cavallari and reviving that love triangle? Because we’re kind of here for it.)

FAMOUS FRIENDS | Not only is Brandon Lee the most mature Hills cast member at the moment, but we’re also enjoying our trips to the 22-year-old’s ludicrous six-bedroom house, where this week he hosted a get together for a few of his friends. You know, friends like Shaquille O’Neal’s son and Steve McQueen’s grandson — or as we like to think of him, the half-brother of Vampire Diaries star Steven R. McQueen. (Come on, this is still TVLine.)

The boys swapped stories about the difficulties of growing up in famous families, inspiring Brody Jenner to open up about dad Caitlyn, who wasn’t around for most of Brody’s childhood after starting a second family. (Perhaps you’ve heard of the Kardashians?) “I was just getting to know Bruce, and then Bruce became Caitlyn,” he said. “My dad, she’s like a 15-year-old girl now. It’s awesome, it’s great, she’s very happy. … What I’ve learned is to not expect too much from her.” Yikes.

Also worth discussing…

* Are we just going to let Heidi continue referring to her son Gunnar’s nanny as his “assistant”? Someone must put a stop to this madness, or at least explain what that job entails.

* Wasn’t there something oddly peaceful about watching Brody take a bath while playing fetch with his dogs? Just a man and his bubbles and his two enormous Rottweilers. (Also, is his marriage strong and playful… or hanging on by a thread? We honestly can’t tell.)

Are you still on board with The Hills: New Beginnings? Were you ever? Drop a comment with your thoughts on Episode 2 below.