Warning: The following contains spoilers for Tuesday’s momentous Animal Kingdom — the kind of spoilers that may put you off peanut butter forevermore.
Welcome to your nightmare. Tuesday’s Animal Kingdom might have been emotionally traumatic for Pope, Deran and Craig, but it was traumatic, period, for Marco — and all of us who witnessed the horrific fate that befell Lucy’s brother when he wound up in Smurf’s clutches. Read on to shudder anew at the way she made an unwitting accomplice of Mr. Peanut in hopes of convincing Marco to reveal the whereabouts of her loot.
‘YOU ARE WHAT I SAY YOU ARE’ | As “Off the Tit” began, Lucy caught a henchman smuggling Mexicans across the border along with her coke and, as if we needed reminding of how dangerous she was, ordered him shot. Shortly, we joined Pope, who all but tried to push his way into DCFS before it opened when its first social worker arrived for the day. But neither would she talk to him then, nor would the security guard later; he’d have to wait his turn. When finally a Ms. Warren was ready to discuss Lena, he lost it, blurting out, “You guys took her, and I want her back,” and accosting the social worker who’d actually removed the little girl from her home. He couldn’t help himself, though. He remembered his own time in foster care, when he hadn’t known what was going on and no one would tell him, and he wasn’t about to let that happen to Lena. Only… he wasn’t going to get a say in the matter. With the whole office staring, he was led out by security, whispering pleas of “Just don’t write this down, OK?” (Beautiful work there by Shawn Hatosy, no?)
‘I NEVER KNEW HAIRCUTS WERE HEREDITARY’ | No sooner had Billy started his day than Smurf started in with the mind games. Upon hearing that he intended to stick around and get his own place so that he could spend more quality time with Deran, she suggested that he’d have a hard time coming up with the cash to rent an apartment. After all, “you’re never gonna see a penny of that money” from the job. Billy tried to reassure himself that her boys knew “not to screw the idea man,” but yeah, no. He was not reassured. So he ran to Deran to ask (repeatedly) if they were gonna f— him over. No, Deran insisted. And also, no, he couldn’t get Billy his money. “J’s in charge of this job.” Sadly, even as Deran gave his father a wad of bills from the bar’s safe to tide him over, the way that Billy ogled the remaining money gave a pretty clear indication of what he was thinking.
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‘I’M PREGNANT’ | Meanwhile, Craig visited the hospital to try to re-pair Linc with Deran. Alas, Linc wasn’t having it. On Craig’s way out, he bumped into Ren in the parking lot and learned that she was expecting. “Is it mine?” he asked. “No,” she insisted (though I can’t help but wonder — I mean, if you were pregnant by Craig, would you admit it?). Later, when Craig filled in Deran about Ren and told him that he (wishfully) thought maybe Linc would come around, the blond insisted that he hadn’t ever really liked the biker. But if Craig dug him so much, “maybe you should date him.” Elsewhere, J recruited Mia to find out what Pete was up to for Smurf and asked her to run a laundromat he was thinking of buying (along with a bowling alley and who knew what else). “Laundering money through a laundromat,” she said. “That’s kind of poetic.” Soon, Mia spied Pete and his goons loading up a vehicle with weapons for their jaunt to Mexico and reported back to J.
‘YOU’RE LIKE THE FAMILY PET’ | When Craig showed up at Smurf’s, Billy started right in, trying to sway him with regard to J’s power. When the tactic didn’t work — has it ever? — Billy pushed a different button, likening himself to Craig and getting him so angry that he blurted out that he could retrieve his money from the storage unit whenever he wanted. (Oops.) “Take me to the storage unit right now,” said Billy, “and I’ll give you 10 percent of my cut.” No dice, replied Craig, adding that he was nothing like Deran’s deadbeat father. Who was he kidding? “You’re one needle away from becoming me,” Billy taunted. At the same time, Deran ran to Adrian with his daddy issues, piquing his ex’s interest with a casual mention that he and Linc were through. And, judging from the sweet way that Adrian comforted Deran, it seems safe to say that they are again together — or at least together-ish?
‘YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANNA BE’ | While J approached Morgan about helping him set up some holding companies, Billy searched the teen’s room for the key to the storage unit, and Frankie made out with Craig as her special way of letting him know that she believed that sure, he could be a dad… or a cowboy. Whatever he wanted. When J got home, Billy got rough with him and threatened to get rougher if he didn’t get his money from the job. “I ain’t some weak bitch like your mother,” he spat. Arriving home from the grocery, Smurf could tell at once that Billy was “making friends as usual.” But immediately, she had a much bigger concern: a shellshocked-looking Pope sitting poolside. After he explained that Lena had been taken by DCFS, his mom promised, “We’ll get her back,” and took off to make some calls. Never having learned when to leave well enough alone — or even what well enough was — Billy seized the opportunity to needle Pope, and got his ass kicked as a result. (Hilariously, Smurf just watched and even prevented J from breaking up the whomping.)
‘THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?’ | As the hour neared its conclusion, Smurf took Pope to see the nice suburban home where Lena was living with her foster parents, Melissa and Derek. “Now you know where she is,” Smurf said. But was she baiting him to kidnap her granddaughter or… just being nice? At Deran’s bar, Billy shot up in the back room, then told his son he’d see him tomorrow in such a way that we just knew drugs hadn’t been the only thing he’d done back there. Yep, when Deran entered the office, he found the safe emptied out and a note that read, “At least I remembered your birthdate. Change your combination.” Meanwhile, Mia tailed Smurf to a warehouse where Pete’s crew was holding Marco. When no amount of punching would convince him to reveal where Smurf’s stolen haul was, she had him strapped to a table (uh-oh) with his pants pulled down (oh no), smeared peanut butter all over his privates (wait, no) and brought out a cage full of hungry rats (my eyes! my eyes!).
Finally, Smurf returned home to find Deran in tears over Billy’s betrayal and abandonment — and ready to challenge her about his dad’s having wanted to take him way back when. Oh, but Billy had taken Deran as a baby, Smurf told him — and offered him back eight hours later for a million bucks, ultimately settling for 600 and a bag of smack. Ouch. So, what did you think of “Off the Tit”? Was anyone surprised Billy ripped off his son? And Craig’s totally Ren’s babydaddy, right? Hit the comments.