President Donald Trump once again declined an invitation to the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, which was held on Saturday and hosted by Daily Show alumna Michelle Wolf.
Trump first announced in early April that he’d be skipping the annual fête for a second consecutive year, instead hosting a rally in Washington Township, Mich., where he spoke to an enthusiastic horde about crowd sizes and Kanye West.
Back at the Washington Hilton, Trump was “represented” at Nerd Prom by Stephen Colbert’s Our Cartoon President. The short took place in an alternate universe where Trump attended the shindig and warned the evening’s journalism award recipients that he’d be locking them up in the coming years. Shortly thereafter, Paul Ryan starred in a pre-taped “comedy” bit where he was seen updating his LinkedIn profile and getting unwanted texts from former GOP House Speaker John Boehner.
Wolf then lit up the room by torching POTUS and those who work closely with him, including White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who represented the administration at the head table.
Lo and behold, Wolf’s 20 best zingers…
* “Here we are, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Like a porn star says when she’s about to have sex with a Trump, ‘Let’s get this over with.'”
* “I’m 32 years old, which is an odd age. I’m 10 years too young to host this event, and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.”
* “I know as much as some of you might want me to, it’s 2018 and I’m a woman, so you cannot shut me up — unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, ‘Reince Priebus.'”
* “It is kinda crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia, when the Hillary campaign wasn’t even in contact with Michigan.”
* “Of course, Trump isn’t here… and I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one p—y you’re not allowed to grab.”
* “Trump is racist… He loves ‘white nationalists,’ which is a weird term for a nazi. Calling a nazi a ‘white nationalist’ is like calling a pedophile a ‘kid friend.’ Or Harvey Weinstein a ‘ladies’ man.'”
* “Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay. Mike Pence is the kind of guy who brushes his teeth, then drinks orange juice and thinks, ‘Mmm!'”
* “I did have a lot of jokes about cabinet members, but I had to scrap all of those because everyone’s been fired. You guys are going through cabinet members faster than Starbucks throws out black people.”
* “Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight. He has a prior engagement: He’s finally having his neck circumcised. Mazel!”
* “Paul Ryan also couldn’t make it. Of course, he’s already been circumcised. Unfortunately, when they were down there, they also took his balls.”
* “Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don’t do… anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You’re somehow gonna lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor.”
* “You guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne [Conway] on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It’s like that old saying, ‘If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree?’ I’m not suggesting she gets hurt, just stuck.”
* “There’s also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women, so I guess like father, like daughter.”
* “Ivanka cleans up nice. She’s the diaper genie of the administration. On the outside, she looks sleek, but on the inside, it’s still full of s—t.”
* “We are graced with Sarah [Huckabee Sanders]’ presence tonight. I have to say, I’m a little starstruck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in The Handmaid’s Tale. Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it.”
* “I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Sarah Sanders? Is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Aunty Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.”
* “We’ve got our friends at CNN here… You guys love breaking news, and you did it. You broke it. The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.”
* “Fox News is here, so you know what that means, ladies: Cover your drinks.”
* “People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that. This dinner’s for journalists.”
* “MSNBC’s new slogan is, ‘This Is Who We Are.’ Guys, it’s not a good slogan. ‘This Is Who We Are’ is what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called. ‘Did you watch This Is Who We Are this week? Someone left on a crockpot and everyone died.'”
How do you think Michelle Wolf did as WHCD host? Watch the video above — Wolf’s hosting duties begin around the 38:25 mark — then hit the comments.