American Horror Story: Cult Recap: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served al Dente

American Horror Story: Cult Recap

Heads up: This recap covers the events of Tuesday’s American Horror Story: Cult. If you haven’t watched and/or don’t want to be spoiled, make like Kai’s parents and disappear for a bit.

I have to admit that I was a little taken aback by this week’s Cult. In (most) previous seasons, AHS has slumped towards the finish line, eventually slowing to a lifeless crawl — but Cult has been gaining momentum in its final weeks, and Tuesday’s episode was no exception.

The truly twisted hour began with Ally finally confronting Ivy over all the crap she’s pulled as of late, beginning with screwing Winter and joining the cult. But all those years of therapy have made Ally one hell of a psychoanalyst, and she wasn’t buying her wife’s nonsense logic. “I’m sorry, but I hated you,” Ivy said at one point. “Or I was so angry at you that I thought I hated you.” OK, whatever.

Ally’s wrath then extended to Winter, whose half-hearted apology was met with this satisfying response: “For what? For f–ing my wife, for driving me crazy, or for trying to kill me?” (Vengeful Ally is my favorite Ally.) It was also strangely satisfying watching Beverley greet Winter with a mother of a slap, the first of two hits Kai’s sister would take to the face this week.

Following a traumatic experience with Kool-Aid — Kai forced the entire cult, ladies included, to commit mass suicide, only to surprise them by revealing that their juice contained no poison — Ally and Ivy were freaking done, vowing to take Oz and run for their lives. There was only one problem with their plan: Kai got to Oz first, brought him back to the compound and told him (wait for it) that he’s his father. As Kai explained, “jerking off into a cup [at the fertility clinic] was pretty much my first job after high school.”

That’s when things got really nuts. Leaving Oz with Kai and his gaggle of braindead followers, the ladies went home to discuss their next move over a romantic dinner of pasta, wine… and arsenic. You see, Ally became a master of deception when no one was looking — and she still hasn’t forgiven Ivy for sticking her in the psych ward. As Ivy coughed out her final breaths on the kitchen floor, Ally told her, “I only want two things in this life: I want Oz all to myself, and I want to watch you die.” Boom.

And Ally’s little Lying Game™ only deepened from there. After bribing the fertility clinic receptionist, who revealed that Kai is not Oz’s biological father, Ally had her whip up a new set of documents, proving that he is Oz’s bio dad. After all, Kai wouldn’t hurt his own “Messiah baby.”

Additional thoughts…

* Before anyone accuses me of making my recap headline too spoilery, just be glad I didn’t go with my original idea: “Poison Ivy.”

* Confession: I laughed way too hard during that Kool-Aid scene when Gary said, “I think I just s–t my pants,” only for Kai to respond, “No, that’s your colitis.”

* I also love that Winter presented her escape plan with “I found this on WikiHow.”

Your thoughts on this week’s CultDrop ’em in a comment below.

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