The following recap, by its very nature, contains major spoilers about this week’s Twin Peaks. Proceed at your own peril.
Goodbye Richard Horne, you evil little demon. He was killed by his father. Yes, his father. We were all correct: Evil Coop was Richard’s dad after all. (Which means Evil Coop likely raped Audrey Horne while she lay in a coma. For more on our potentially sleeping beauty, see the BONUS POINTS section below.)
Richard and his pops drove all the way from Montana (or wherever it was that they encountered the mysterious Convenience Store) to Washington State. I’m assuming it was Washington, because Jerry Horne (hopped up on goofballs) came buh-gangling out of the forest like a lunatic and witnessed the (not so?) horrible act. Evil Coop had three sets of coordinates (which were impossible for me to keep track of) and he needed to test one of them out. Who better to send into this trap than his son, Richard? The fiery electrical explosion told us that oops, no, these are fake coordinates. They were meant to kill Evil Coop. But instead, they took down Audrey’s son. And listen, I promised you more info on Audrey and you’ll get it! At the end! But for now, let’s get on with the recap of Twin Peaks, Part 16:
IN LAS VEGAS | Dougie is in the hospital, in a coma, after having electrocuted himself last week. His wife Janey-E tells us (and this is very important) “When people go into a coma, they can stay there for years.” Why is that important? You’re gonna find out at the end of this recap! Stay with me! Dougie’s family, boss, and the Mitchum Brothers (Mandie, Candie and Sandie in tow) visit the hospital room with gifts. And then, wham, Dougie wakes up and he is Cooper again! It’s him! You should probably have noticed the hum in the hospital room right before Coop woke up. It was eerily similar to the hum in the Great Northern Hotel. Also, the One Armed Man told Good Coop that Evil Coop is still loose in the world and headed to Twin Peaks. Coop is suddenly back in tip-top-shape and he hands over a lock of his hair to make a replacement Dougie (that’s something that can happen in this world). How is it that Coop knows exactly what is going on and exactly what to do? Well, if you think back to the very, very, very beginning of this season, you will remember Coop sitting with the Giant in his black and white tower. The Giant (now known as The Fireman) seemed to be sending Coop on some sort of mission. Remember? He told him that the evil was in “our house now”? So it would seem that Cooper has become an agent of the White Lodge. A force for good like the Giant himself. And this entire season has been building to this one moment when Cooper would wake up and get back on the case. He’s got a mission to accomplish. He has to stop Evil Coop. That’s what the Giant sent him to do.
It was exciting and odd to see Cooper again. It was if Kyle MacLachlan suddenly snapped to and all our pining for Dale and all our whining about Dougie was suddenly wiped away. And Coop’s heartfelt goodbye to his Las Vegas family was sad, but don’t worry a replacement Dad is on the way. Goodbye Naomi Watts! Right now Coop’s got bigger fish to fry! And he’s taking the Mitchum Brothers’ jet to Twin Peaks! And the show is suddenly firing on all cylinders!
Oh, and also in Las Vegas, Hutch and Chantal ran out of Cheetos and got killed by pissing off the wrong Polish accountant. The Las Vegas FBI took said accountant into custody – and voila! – just like that all of the Las Vegas storylines are wrapped up! It’s a miracle. In the end, Dougie and Las Vegas weren’t a dream or a hallucination or a parallel reality after all. It was all real. Which isn’t exactly the same thing that’s happening for Audrey… But I told you that we would talk about that later. Calm down. Keep reading.
IN SOUTH DAKOTA | Diane gets a simple text from Evil Coop and it basically blows up her brain. She’s falling apart. She has a gun. She’s on a mission to kill the whole Blue Rose team. But some part of her is still struggling to help Good Coop, to tell the truth. She goes up to Cole’s room (he’s expecting her) and she confesses that Evil Coop raped her. We are watching two Diane’s at once: Evil Diane and traces of good, heartbroken Diane. It’s a crazy mashup. You should pay very, very close attention to what Diane says to the assembled team: “I’m in the Sheriff’s station.” Then she pulls the gun, Tammy and Albert blow her away, and she disappears! She was a carbon copy of the real Diane! A tulpa after all (just like Dougie). And where’s the real Diane? Why she’s in the Sheriff’s station, just like she told us. Oh by the way, what’s Diane backwards? It’s Enaid. Take the E off and add and O. And that’s Naido, the Asian lady with her eyes sewn shut. And where is she? Why, she’s in the Sheriff’s station just like she told us.
IN TWIN PEAKS | Audrey and her husband went to the Roadhouse for a drink. Or did they?
BONUS POINTS | So. Audrey and her husband finally got out of the house. They made it. They walked into the Roadhouse and suddenly, seemingly, they are real. Real characters in the real world of Twin Peaks. Right? They don’t seem to find Billy in the Roadhouse. But guess what? Eddie Vedder is playing. Another amazing A-list act booked at a tiny little bar in the Pacific Northwest. That’s curious but by now we are used to it. Somehow, this place is just able to get any band they want. And you know what’s even more curious? That the entire crowd in the Roadhouse are suddenly able to reassemble on one side of the floor and sway in unison. Something very strange is going on here. But what, exactly?
As I said last week, there’s some connection between Audrey and the Roadhouse. And my suspicion is that not everything that happens at the Roadhouse is real. Maybe a lot of the Roadhouse activity is a dream. Audrey’s dream. Maybe Audrey is in a coma. Maybe she’s been in a coma for 25 years. Remember, Janey-E told us that people can be in comas for a long, long time. Or maybe Audrey is in a mental institution. Or trapped in a Lodge somewhere/somehow. Maybe she’s lying in bed, in a hospital, dreaming. And all the other (female) patients or nurses are gossiping about Billy and Tina and Chuck. Maybe all these A-list musical acts are all just playing on a radio. Maybe someone is turning up the volume knob when ZZ Top comes on. And like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, Audrey is reframing all this music, and all these characters, and all this gossip as magical people and events in the Roadhouse. Audrey’s dreamworld is like Oz, a funhouse mirror reflection of what is really going on. But does that mean James and Shelly are also part of the dream? We saw them in the Roadhouse. So, what are the parameters of this dream? What is real? I wish I could tell you the answer to that question…
I expected Audrey to show up in the Roadhouse eventually. But I did not expect to see her dance again. And then she was interrupted by two men fighting: “Monique! That’s my wife, ass–le!” It’s just more soapy melodrama. Maybe Invitation to Love is playing on a TV where Audrey is. I don’t know. It’s impossible to say what’s really going on. But Audrey is in trouble. And she needs help. And it seems as if her Prince, her knight in shining armor, her sharp dressed man, is finally coming to wake her up. Likely with a kiss. You will remember that the plan for Cooper, in the original series, was for him to end up with Audrey. And dagnabbit, bless my stars, it seems that Lynch and Frost are finally making good on that promise. I can’t believe it. I could be wrong. But we won’t know for sure until next week’s two-part conclusion.
And speaking of the conclusion, here’s a quick list of questions we need answered: Did Steven kill Becky? Did Steven kill himself? Who is Linda? Who is Judy? Where is Diane? Where is Audrey? Where is Laura? What is going on with Sarah Palmer? Where is the fourth diary page? What’s the hum in the Great Northern? Who is the girl who swallowed the bug? Who is Billy? Who is Tina? What was that weird shrinking black beeping box in South America? How much of the Roadhouse is a dream? Where is Lara Flynn Boyle right now and what does she think of the new season and does she know how much this recapper desperately loves and misses her?
That’s a lot of ground to cover in two hours. And they’re probably not going to answer all of those questions. They will likely leave us with some cliffhangers to chew over for another 25 years. Grrrrrrrr. (–Written by M.T. Wentz)