Remember like two weeks ago when everyone in The Voice-aloonie nation was convinced Adam Levine’s team was weaker than an infant hamster with a severe case of ennui?
I’m not exactly sure what happened… Actually, that’s a lie. Questionable calls in the Knockout Rounds, inscrutable saves in the dashed-off Live Playoffs, and the undeniable power of bro-dom all dovetailed so the Maroon 5 frontman had the least stressful night of any participant in the Season 11 proceedings.
Granted, Adam’s country combatant, Josh Gallagher, could probably score a role on Season 2 of Neflix’s Stranger Things, considering how he ranked No. 4 among the Top 12 artists on the iTunes singles charts despite botching two out of every three notes of Jason Aldean’s “Why.” (Well, the title’s apt for those who chose to download that messerie.)
We also got a very necessary bit of balladeering from Alicia Keys, a daftly beautiful Dolly Parton cover from Team Miley, and an hour with barely a word out of Blake Shelton. (C’mon, Mark Burnett, dude’s punch lines are still money!)
With that said, let’s recap the action — before I go to the fridge and start chugging Sauv Blanc directly from the bottle. #TwoTuesdaysInARowOfHeartbreak
Sent to Safety (in Chronological Order)
Ali Caldwell (Team Miley)
Wé McDonald (Team Alicia)
Brendan Fletcher (Team Adam)
Courtney Harrell (Team Blake)
Billy Gilman (Team Adam)
Darby Walker (Team Miley)
Austin Allsup (Team Blake)
Christian Cuevas (Team Alicia)
Josh Gallagher (Team Adam)
Sundance Head (Team Blake)
Sa’Rayah (Team Alicia) — Aretha Franklin’s “Rock Steady” | Praise-hands emoji to the unimonikered diva for throwing down the gauntlet on perhaps the greatest funk jam of all-time ever. As I hooted, hollered and got up off the couch to boogie along with Sa’Rayah’s rendition, my husband giggled from the kitchen and noted, “It’s nice that 11 seasons in, you can still get excited by this show.” Grade: A
Aaron Gibson (Team Miley) — Ed Sheeran’s “Lego House” | This was a servicable rendition of a sweet, acoustic jam — but we all know sweet acoustic jams > funk classics when it comes to reality singing competitions. There were some jank notes in Aaron’s cover, too, but maybe there were in Sa’Rayah’s but I just didn’t hear them on account of shouting “Yaaassss, Queen!” “Do the damn thing!” “MMMM-HMMM! over and over again. Ugh, be happy you don’t live with me! Grade: B
My tweeting decision was etched in stone the minute Carson said the words “Rock Steady.”
Alas, all my efforts proved as fruitless as an apple tree in Maine in the middle of February.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. (Mark Burnett, could we at least get Sa’Rayah’s “Rock Steady” on iTunes?)
And then there were 11!
What did you think of The Voice Top 12 results? Did America get it right with the Bottom 2? Did the correct artist get saved? Sound off below!