Scream Queens Season 2 Premiere: Grade the Chanels' Scary, Hairy Return

Fox’s Scream Queens returned for its second season on Tuesday, giving idiot hookers nationwide their long-awaited fix of nonsense banter and stone-cold bitchery.

In keeping with the show’s now-apparent tradition, the premiere kicked off with a killer flashback, one in which a pair of medical miscreants dumped some poor schlub’s body into the swamp so they wouldn’t have to miss the hospital’s Halloween party. But there’s a twist: That poor schlub had a wife… and she was pregnant! (Wait a minute… A party? A murder? A baby? Please excuse me while I check to make sure I’m not just re-watching the first season on Hulu. … OK, we’re good.)

Cut to present day (give or take a few years), where Dr. Munsch’s C.U.R.E. Institute Hospital has been established as a last-resort haven for the “incurable” — or in the case of Cecily Strong’s character, the extremely hairy. Along with the help of John Stamos’ Dr. Brock Holt (a Harvard-educated narcissist whose transplanted hand may or may not be pure evil) and Taylor Lautner’s Dr. Cassidy Cascade (a younger version of Holt who might actually just be a handsome snowman), she’s making it her mission to dominate the health care system. Or something. I don’t know, everybody was talking really fast.

Now, for the part you really care about: After 25 painful, Chanel-free minutes, Emma Roberts and her gaggle of sperm-mopping (no, really) sidekicks were hired to work at the hospital, where they immediately ran intro trouble — and, trouble, thy name is Kirstie Alley. (For the record, if that queen told me she wanted to eat me alive, as she did to Chanel, I would start applying my own damn dressing and hand her a bib on the spot.)

The rest of the episode was a reference-heavy blur of shower scenes (Stamos!), casual chocking (Stamos again!) and makeover montages, so I’ll just jump right to the end:

After shedding her troubles away, Strong’s character was treated to the world’s least relaxing medical bath, which included a complimentary beheading by a machete-wielding man (?) dressed like a swamp monster. This season’s apparent killer then turned his blade to Chanel No. 5… but did it land? (For what it’s worth, I kept my eyes peeled for Abigail Breslin in that post-episode promo and saw nothing.)

Final Thoughts: Absolutely everything about Season 2 (so far) is ludicrous. Like, this show has completely abandoned what was little remained of its grip on reality. But as long as the Chanels (particularly Emma Roberts) keep us entertained, we’ll keep overlooking all of that. … Also, Kirstie Alley was easily the best addition to the Scream Queens Universe, even if we learned literally nothing about her character in this first hour. I knew I liked her when she threatened to eat Chanel, and I knew I loved her when she called her a whore. Classic camp villainy at its finest.

What did you think of Scream Queens 2.0? Did you even notice that Grace went completely unmentioned? Grade the premiere below, then drop a comment with your full review.

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