Rob Lowe's Comedy Central Roast: 16 Darkest Digs (Mostly at Ann Coulter)

Rob Lowe Roast Recap

Rob Lowe may have been the intended target of the latest Comedy Central roast, but as always, no participant left Monday’s ceremony unscathed — least of all Ann Coulter, who was there for some reason.

Saturday Night Live‘s Pete Davidson took the first swing, or rather the first three swings, at the conservative pundit: “Ann Coulter, if you’re here, who’s scaring the crows away from our crops? … Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a c–t. … Last year, we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets. This year, we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eye-holes in them.”

Rob Riggle then suggested that Coulter’s presence could only mean only one thing: “Someone must have said her name three times. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

For a second, it seemed like Jewel was going to stand up for Coulter: “As a feminist, I can’t support everything that’s being said up here tonight … but as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.” (Oh, Jewel, what a gem.)

Jewel then handed the mic to British comedian Jimmy Carr, who delivered quite possibly the darkest zinger of the night: “Ann Coulter is one of the most hateful, repugnant, hatchet-faced bitches alive. But it’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.”

(That said, Lowe himself provided the evening’s darkest runner-up, referring to Coulter as looking like a close-up abortion.)

But as Jeff Ross posed so eloquently, “How do you roast someone from hell?” Needless to say, Coulter was amused by all of this:

Ann Coulter Rob Lowe Roast

Now that you’ve indulged me in all things Coulter, here’s a rundown of the sickest burns directed at the man of the hour (which are mostly about his bad acting and multiple sex tapes):

* “Rob was in a movie called The Outsiders back in the day. His character was called Soda Pop because, at the time, Rob was 98 percent coke.” – David Spade

* “Rob Lowe was in the Austin Powers movie 16 years ago. Can you believe it? Sixteen! Or as Rob calls it, 18.” – Spade

* “Rob Lowe, or as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero.” – Davidson

* “People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that’s only because they didn’t see him tell his wife he didn’t f–k that nanny.” – Davidson

* Jewel revealed that she asked to not kiss Lowe in an episode of the short-lived NBC drama The Lyon’s Den because she didn’t know where his mouth had been. She then treated the audience to a cute little ditty sung from the perspective of the 16-year-old girl in Lowe’s infamous sex tape. (Sample lyric: “Of all your films, I’m the best thing you’ve ever been in.”)

* “Something … something … sports-ball?” – Peyton Manning

* “You’re an adonis! You look like you’re sculpted. … You put the statue in statutory rape.” – Nikki Glaser

* “Rob has been in some of the most successful movies of our lifetime. … I’m sorry, on Lifetime.” – Spade

Your thoughts on Lowe’s roast? Drop a comment with your personal M.V.P. of the evening below.

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