American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: 'There Can Only Be One Queen'

American Horror Story Hotel

It’s a good thing the Countess has all those old, blue, borrowed corpses lying around, because there’s going to be a wedding at the Hotel Cortez!

Giving new meaning to the phrase “‘Til death to us part,” Elizabeth let Tristan in on her big plan during Wednesday’s American Horror Story: a very literal game of F–k, Marry, Kill with the new Hotel owner. “Will Drake can’t die until after I marry him… and take every penny,” she told her spunky side piece (who’s lucky he’s so slammin’, because that’s pretty much all he has going for him right now).

Of course, I can think of two people we probably shouldn’t expect to see on the guest list: Donovan and his new bestie/kidnapper Ramona Royale, an actress-turned-vampire-turned-huntress who also happens to be a fellow ex-lover of the Countess. But, honestly, who isn’t at this point?

In a (successful) attempt to turn Donovan against his maker, Ramona revealed her full history with Elizabeth, from their fateful first meeting to their devastating — not to mention blood-spattered — goodbye. She also revealed an interesting little nugget about the Countess: She refuses to let her creations turn other people into vampires. After all, “there can only be one queen.”

MOMMY ISSUES | In keeping with AHS‘ grand tradition of forcing Kathy Bates into miserable mother-son relationships, Wednesday’s episode served us Iris and Donovan’s twisted backstory in a neat little package. He apparently holds a pretty nasty grudge against her for all sorts of things, including kicking his father out of the house and getting him into weird eating habits. (“I had so much fiber in my diet that I s–t my pants at school!”) When Iris tried to convince him to move in with her, he simply responded, “Kill yourself,” which she — unfortunately — took a bit too closely to heart.

“Don’t haunt my hallways bitch,” Sally told Iris as she filled her veins with enough junk to take out “an entire marching band.” A plastic bag over Iris’ head was meant to finish the job, but after a chat with Liz Taylor provided Donovan with a new perspective on things, he busted in the room and used his blood to save her life. (Question: Does that make Iris a vampire now? Because that does not gel with the Countess’ rule about her creations not doing any creating of their own.)

KEEP HOLDEN ON | Speaking of mothers on the verge, Alex paid her first visit to the Hotel Cortez this week, armed with divorce papers for John. But she got a lot more than she bargained for when she bumped into that lavender-smelling munchkin Holden in the hallway; suddenly, Scarlett doesn’t seem so bonkers, eh? (Speaking of the Lowe family, I know we’ve only known him for three episodes now, but John’s, like, the worst detective ever, right? … OK, just wanted to make sure.)

WTF, SCHMIDT?! | I have to imagine that Gabriel’s encounter with Claudia — in which he popped out of her damn mattress and stabbed her to death, all the while screaming, well, bloody murder — had to have been what Ryan Murphy previously referred to as “the most disturbing scene we’ve ever done.” That s–t affected me.

Your thoughts on this week’s HotelDrop ’em in a comment below.