How to Get Away With Murder Recap: Absolutely Stabulous

My name is Mike, and I’m a sociopath. OK, not true exactly. But I’m pretty sure How to Get Away With Murder is turning me into the kind of person who cheers, rewinds the DVR and inhales another fistful of popcorn when a sociopath/sociopath-adjacent gets all up in a rival’s face and threatens to finish ’em like Annalise Keating swallowing her last few drops of Thursday-night vodka.

Allow me to replay this week’s spontaneous (and very unwelcome) closing argument from Annalise’s horrifying teenage client Zoe: “You think that you’re anything without me? You’re nothing. You’re just some basic bitch who better watch her back. That’s right — you’re next, whore!”

Sheesh — imagine how honest girl might’ve gotten if somebody had asked her to place her hand on the Bible beforehand!

All kidding aside, please tell me I’m not the only one who got a case of the giddies watching that twisted monster burst forth from her Zoe-shaped cage and make herself known to the world (and the jury). And while no one in the HTGAWM universe can quite compete with the 52 stab wounds inflicted on Zoe’s innocent bestie, it’s not like any of them can feign purity. Oh, except for Catherine, whose hymen has been declared 100 percent in tact by a Philadelphia-area physician, despite her having grown up riding horse. (Hat tip to the cynical Michaela for that whopper.)

Ugh, we’re only on the fifth paragraph of this recap, and I’ve already used the words “hymen,” “Bible,” and “bestie.” Maybe I should try to distract you by cutting to the action, yes? Let’s go!

EXTRA VIRGIN MURDER SUSPECT |  Annalise sends Michaela to prep Caleb and Catherine for trial — or at least use the exercise to find out whether they’re telling the truth about not having a sexual relationship. “You’re smart, Michaela. That’s why,” says Annalise, when Michaela asks why she got picked for the assigment. “And you’ve got boobs — a brother not screwing his sister should respond to them.” While Michaela and Caleb initially clash — she calls him “a little victim-y,” he counters that she’s “a little bitchy” — it’s eventually a case of Paradise by the Soda Machine Light. In other words, Michaela spots Caleb in the cool, blue glow of a TV vending machine — the kind of glow that an actual vending machine most definitely does not give off — and starts to look a little smitten. (More on that in a moment.) Why are they at a hospital? Why, to certify Catherine’s claim that she couldn’t have been banging her adopted brother — because she’d never banged anyone at all. I half expected/wanted Maury Povich to burst onto the scene and shout, “The results are in… Catherine, you ARE a virgin!” The actuality is a little less heightened — but Catherine’s claims are upheld. (Side note: Has no one ever heard of oral?)

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME MY HUSBAND/ I NEED YOU TO NEED KILL ME |  Annalise gets uncharacteristically distracted at trial — not that she’ll allow Bonnie to imply it — mainly because Nate’s wife Nia calls her down to the hospital and asks for a little favor: “I want you to kill me.” OK, maybe it’s a big favor, but Nia’s got a point about Annalise bedding her hubby during her battle with cancer — and hanging Nate out to dry for the death of Annalise’s hubby, too. “Just be a good person for once and get me the pills!” an exasperated Nia finally begs. But while she has Frank get her the little orange bottle, she changes her mind at the last minute. “I think about it a lot — killing myself,” Annalise tells Nia, then reasons that if she can’t find a reason to end her own life — even if it might benefit the world at large. You know Nia would get up and backhand her romantic rival if she had the strength, but Annalise makes a good point in the end: Everybody’s ultimately alone in his or her own pain, anyway. Sure, La Keating’s not going to get a self-help book contract with a premise like that, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a point.

ASHER MILLSTONE’S DAY OFF |  Asher calls in sick — but he’s actually with his powerful judge dad making an immunity deal with That Bitch Prosecutor Who Is Going Down (Over a Balcony) in Only Four Weeks’ Time. Turns out he’s going to testify that Annalise got Nate to kill Sam on her behalf — in exchange for not being punished for whatever happened on Trotter Lake. But right as Emily Sinclair tells Asher and his dad that she’ll get the deal signed off on in the morning, who shows up but Bonnie? Yep, she had Asher’s phone tracked — and now, to protect the truth of Season 1 Murder Night and keep Annalise safe, she falsely confesses to killing Sam. You know that’s gonna cause Asher to backtrack. Yeah, they broke up, but he’s still got her in his contact list as Bonbon. (Kinda bold considering they’re coworkers, no?)

CASE OF THE WEEK |  You heard about heinous Zoe above — and she winds up going away for murder after Laurel steals her phone and finds a video of her boasting about slaughtering her teenage pal — and then Connor goes and sends a copy to the ADA. Mr. Walsh, you see, thinks the Keating Five has fallen under the same kind of cult manipulation that rules teenage-girl clicks. What he forgets, as he tells Annalise that he’d commit the same legal misdeed all over again, is that his boss is no teenage girl. When Connor says he doesn’t want any more blood on his hands, Annalise gets right in his face and says, “You know where else there’s blood? Your car.” Yep — the SUV laden with Sam’s DNA, which Frank claimed to have gotten rid of, may still be in the mix. And as long as Connor’s a good boy and doesn’t mess with Annalise’s cases, it’ll remain in that great parking lot/junkyard in Nowheresville, USA.

NATE AND WES AND LEVI ET AL | Oh lord, this episode sure has a lot of plot to cover, no? Lemme try to condense. Michaela and Levi have graduated to nasty, “Spank me, daddy” phone chat. Wes learns that Levi is still seeing Michaela and tries to break ties with him. But whoops, Levi’s followup on intel from Nate — regarding Frank’s calls to a Sabrina Mancini on the day of Rebecca’s disappearance
Levi tracks down — yields fruit. Sabrina’s brother works at Strathaven Cemetery — and now Wes is convinced that’s where Rebecca’s body is buried. If he’s not careful, though, he might end up there, too. Annalise exits Nia’s hospital suite and sees Nate and Wes in the parking lot — in heated conversation. And now, like Nikki Minaj eyeing down her rival Miley Cyrus, I kinda want Annalise to look at her lover and her maybe-future lover and ask, “What’s good, fellas?”

FOUR WEEKS FROM NOW (AKA SHOOTING NIGHT) |  In a nutshell, Annalise is flatlining in an ambulance, and flashing back to all the craziness from the Hapstall case, from Nia’s death wish and more. Meanwhile, Laurel, Wes, Connor and Michaela are fleeing the mansion in Nate’s car — when Michaela gets a phone call and has to act as casual as if she’d just dropped by the mall food court for some Panda Express. The quintet (Nate’s in the driver’s seat, remember) let Michaela out at her apartment — where she goes upstairs to find Caleb waiting for her. “How is she?” he asks. “Good,” answers Michaela. And all I can think is: What in the name of all that’s Shondaland is this leading to?!?!

Your turn. What did you think of this week’s HTGAWM? What the heck is the connection between Caleb and Michaela and Annalise’s shooting? Hit the comments with your thoughts!