Mistresses Recap: Murder Was the (Stair)case That They Gave Him

We begin tonight’s Mistresses recap with a trip back to 1987 — when Murder, She Wrote and Moonlighting ranked among the Top 10 network shows, Fatal Attraction burned up the box office and the lilting voice of Suzanne Vega dominated radio for a minute. How did that song go, again?

His name was Luca
Went up to the second floor
Put his skeevy moves on Joss
As she guessed, he was a man-whore

Surveillance cams to catch the sight
Then “Oh, hell no!”, out went the lights
Let’s guess where Calista was
Let’s guess where Calista was
Let’s guess where Calista was

You could say he tempted fate
Luca and his wandering eye
Angling for the Paris flat
And his wife’s vineyard in Ojai

On the stairs he lay supine
Deader than his accessories line
Let’s guess where Calista was
Let’s guess where Calista was
Let’s guess where Calista was

Alright, I know, my song parody has played on for far too long. But I needed a minute to process what went down in Season 3, Episode 7 (AKA “Best Laid Plans”). And no, I’m not just talking about Luca’s mysterious murder — why wasn’t “He Had It Comin'” from the Chicago soundtrack playing in the background, I wonder — but also Karen’s ability to ponder a high-calorie vending machine cookie and wind up with a calorie-burning, NC-17 piece of nookie in a supply closet. (Girl may never get a happy ending, but she always gets her “happy ending,” if I’m not being too subtle.) What’s more, we also pause to celebrate the (hopeful) end of Lucy the Terrible/ start of the Marc Vs. Blair Shirtless Courtship Showdown.

With that said, let’s recap the action for our four central ladies (and also the hot Aussie who recently discovered Rachael Ray is his spirit animal).

KAREN | Karen found love on a three-way street (to put a twist on the old ballad) — but what is the third wheel in a polyamorous tricycle supposed to do when Vivian goes out of town to meet her sister’s new baby? The temperature in the room is somewhere between Body Heat and Nine 1/2 Weeks when Karen wakes up and finds Alec at the foot of the bed ready to make plans for dinner — damn, Yunjin Kim and Ed Quinn are bringing the raw sexual chemistry, no? — but knowing that there’ll only be two spoons in the dessert sundae (so to speak), and that Vivian will be left out of the indulgence (ahem), Karen gets uncomfortable and makes excuse. She has a shift at the ER. She’s got paperwork to finish. She’s… gonna break out the old Season 2 hooker wig and see how it plays at Wednesday night church services? (I kid! I kid!)

Alec, though, drops by that afternoon with lunch in hand — “my meatballs are dripping” shouldn’t sound salacious, yet somehow he turns it into the best, cheekiest kind of dirty — but when Vivian calls and he tells her he’s at the office, not at Karen’s place, lust turns to shame, and they agree they need to figure out the rules of their throuple before they spend any more alone time. Too bad they work at the same hospital. As Karen mulls a cookie purchase at the vending machine, Alec comes up from behind (not like that — sheesh) and tells her to go for it. How did he know she was thinking about cookies, she asks. “Because I know what you like.” Dayyyyyyum, son, drop that mic. (Yes, that’s a euphemism.) Next thing you know, Alec and Karen are going at it amidst the surgical supplies and hospital bedding — and it’s like Grey’s Anatomy reimagined for those hotel room channels that dare not speak their names. When they’re done, though, the afterglow is more of an afterglum, and while Karen wants to keep their tryst a secret, Alec asks if the decision to tell (or not) be left to him. He’s the one who took a vow to Vivian, after all, so I guess it makes sense.

APRIL | Let’s try to sum this up in four sentences. April’s mom comes to town and — despite bringing a candle as a gift for her home-furnishings-shopkeep daughter — bonds with Lucy and eventually softens April’s stance, too. That is until April learns Lucy failed to inform her that they’d scheduled her skip day at the same time as a big midterm. April is furious — and when her mom suggests she dial back the anger, or perhaps send Lucy to stay with her for a spell — the ugly truth of Grannie Dearest having been pulled over for drunk driving (with Lucy in the car) a few years back incites another huge fight. Exit gorgeous grandma. Enter Lucy, having heard it all and finally cutting April some slack. And enter Marc, who gets April’s head on his shoulder — followed by her punch in his gut when she refers to him as just a friend.

JOSS AND CALISTA | Luca (AKA your worst high-school crush who clings to your ankle by his teeth for the next 20 years) tells Calista that after her utter decimation of his accessories line, that he plans to go after everything they own together — and that he has proof of her affair with Wilson as ammunition. It’s too much for our fragile fashionista, but just as she’s about to retreat to NYC and agree to a 50-50 split, Joss comes up with the worst plan since Crystal Pepsi: She’ll seduce Luca herself — and when they get it on video, Calista can finally prove he’s a world-class rapscallion! Oddly, though, after Joss sets the trap, Calista turns on her — claiming her younger buddy is “enjoying the fact that my husband almost assaulted you while I was still in the house.” Rated Y… for Yikes!

Karen warns Joss that continuing with the plan is ill-advised — and having Karen call you out for interpersonal foolery would be like Kim Kardashian staging an intervention regarding a friend’s social-media addiction — but once Calista’s back on board and surveillance cams are set up in the bedroom, the seduction is on… and it’s REVOLTING. “I have a fantastic way you could get back at [Calista],” Luca coos to Joss, and thank heavens the camera stays mostly above the waist because you know this kind of twisted psychodrama gets him aroused. But after some foreplay in the bedroom, a nearly vomitatious (not a word, but apropos here) Joss goes to the bathroom to freshen up (aka frantically text Calista to make sure they’ve captured the footage). Suddenly – eeeep! — the power goes out, but as Joss grabs her shoes, her phone and her dignity and heads down the stairs, she encounters Luca the way God intended him — dead and covered in blood. My pick for murderer is that skank jilted supermodel Eva: Let’s be real, Calista is too obvious a choice, and Eva’s professional/perpetual state of carb denail makes her a clear front-runner for homicidal rage. Of course, you know that’s exactly where executive producers K.J. Steinberg and Rina Mimoun end the hour, because they’re deliciously evil (and also want to make sure we tune in next week). Well-played, ladies!

HARRY | Elvira Mistress of the Bar (AKA Niko) spills the beans to her boyfriend (AKA Harry’s asshat restaurant-owner boss) about their one-night stand. Harry decides rather than kissing Elli’s ring, he ought to take Mark’s advice, pull a Rachael Ray and brand himself like an Australian cattle. An initial meet-up with a sexy talent agent is a bust, but she admits Harry being “gorgeous” is a decent start, and when he invites her to a free cooking class at Wunderbar, she’s impressed enough by his passion for food to take him on as a client (and hopefully just a client).

On that note, I turn it over to you. What did you think of this week’s Mistresses? And who do you think killed Luca? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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