Syfy’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! touched down on Wednesday night, leaving in its wake myriad mauled corpses, an impaled White House and — if all went according to plan! — a 17 percent bump in attendance at the Universal Orlando Resort.
To be clear— and this is coming from a guy who devoured Sharknado 2 not once but twice — the third time was not the charm. In fact, it was quite dreadful by most any measure. The threadbare plot was all over the place, not unlike the “sharknado wall” that ravaged the East Coast from D.C. to Orlando (home of the Universal Orlando Resort!). Gone was any semblance of cleverness, either in the dialogue or kills, while knowing winks were replaced with groan-worthy cutaways to C-list entertainment personalities you were dared to recognize.
If the final five minutes hadn’t been teeming with bats—t-crazy ridiculousness, I’d be even less forgiving. But I’ll be damned if Tara Reid giving birth inside a shark… while staying clothed… didn’t almost make up for the preceding 115 minutes. And there’s the promise of Sharknado 4!
Here now, a visual rundown of the threequel’s worst dialogue, silliest moments and most whorish corporate synergy. (P.S. I’m not here to do a headcount of every celebunot, so don’t get bogged down with, “But Matt, you forgot to mention that local DJ’s cameo!”)