Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 21, 2014

THE MINDY PROJECT

"What, I can't film my life? Some white slob eats fast food every day and wins an Oscar? Come on, one of y'all throw a punch, my phone battery's about to die."

Tamra (Xosha Roquemore), expressing her outrage when coworkers Peter and Jeremy ask her to stop filming their fight on her phone

"So who do we say we are?"

"I don't know. The nanny and the gardener?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't even say that."

Nero (Jimmy Smits) and Wendy (Drea de Matteo), trying to come up with aliases before signing Abel up for pre-school

SONS OF ANARCHY (Bonus Quote!)

"Juice is kind of like a child. Not too savvy."

"As opposed to the other leather-clad Mensa members?"

Unser (Dayton Callie), giving Charming's new sheriff (Annabeth Gish) a lesson in SAMCRO

GENERAL HOSPITAL

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I know it's not the most romantic time or place."

"Oh my God, I forgot that there were dead bodies around."

Nathan (Ryan Paevey), apparently underestimating the potency of his pucker and apologizing to Maxie (Kirsten Storms) after their first kiss

WITCHES OF EAST END

"That's great. I'm so relieved to know I didn't have sex with my own grandmother last night."

Dash (Eric Winter) trying to make sense of Ingrid's past-life involvement with his grandfather

THE REAL

"Forget the corn, I want the man!"

Loni Love, more intrigued by a hunky waiter than the elote "street corn" that co-host Adrienne Bailon wanted to share with the audience

"It's called Topanga Canyon. I'm sure I'll love it there."

"Topanga.... What a beautiful name for something you want to love.‎"

In a '60s flashback, Riley's great-grandmother Rosie (Rowan Blanchard) receives inspiration from a new friend

"New Rule: If Budweiser and Miller really want to merge to become a company that controls a third of the planet's beer sales, they must first pledge to learn how to make beer."

Maher weighs in on speculation that Anheuser-Busch will acquire Miller, after Heineken passed on the opportunity

MASTERS OF SEX

"Either it's tenants who aren't so fancy-schmancy but pay the rent, or you're gonna be doing pelvic exams with a miner's lamp stuck to your forehead!"

Betty (Annaleigh Ashford), laying out Bill's options after their nonpayment of the electric bill gets the plug pulled on their ginormous office

PROJECT RUNWAY

"I feel as though I don't do you a service because, I'll just be blunt, I have serious difficulty understanding a lot of your color relationships and your proportions, and the judges keep loving your work."

Tim Gunn saying what everyone's thinking about Sandhya's baffling designs — and her even more baffling popularity with the judges

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Seven weeks of Olive Garden food? That is pretty much a one-way ticket to the hospitaliano."

John Oliver, disgusted at the thought of Olive Garden's new Never-Ending Pasta Pass

BIG BROTHER

"You came into this house with a huge secret: that your sister is the Ariana Grande. No information from the outside world. Not yet."

"Okay. Okay. [beat] Is her album doing well?"

"No information from the outside world!"

Host Julie Chen, remaining tight-lipped about the success of evicted Frankie's sister

"I have cigarettes and diet pills — if you get hungry."

Kara (Zoe Levin) makes a gesture to Emma, her new acquaintance with an eating disorder

NEW GIRL

"I just wanna get back out there but I feel like I forgot everything I knew. Do guys still like an Oakland face with an L.A. booty?"

Jess (Zooey Deschanel), referencing a Sir Mix-a-Lot lyric while pondering her romantic prospects

THE MYSTERIES OF LAURA

"Hal, crushing the hair plugs! I want to take a nap on that bush."

Laura Diamond (Debra Messing) dishing out compliments at work like it ain't no thang

UNDER THE DOME

"I see you have an eye now for your mother's artwork."

"The real question is why she ever had eyes for you."

Junior (Alexander Koch), adding an extra dose of sass to his conversation with Lyle (Dwight Yoakam)

WENDY WILLIAMS

"He looks like a white lesbian lady...um...uh..."

"Justin Bieber! And you're not the first person to say that."

Danielle Brooks and Wendy Williams, playing "Celebrity: Locked -Up Edition" using stars' mug shots

"Are you hitting on me? While I'm about to throw up in the sink in a men's bathroom...? Come on, man."

Even as she loses her memory, Carrie (Poppy Montgomery) can remember proper manners

OUTLANDER

"Where'd you learn to kiss like that?"

"I said I was a virgin, not a monk."

Great Scot! Claire (Caitriona Balfe) is lovin' Jamie's (Sam Heughan) lips