American Idol Results: Gunpowder & Dread

unnamedKevin Bacon, what the hell? This may be your network, but it isn’t your show, and Seacrest only has the one line. “THIS!” Is six inches of separation anxiety from the norm. Oh, well. We all got over it. Even Ryan.

Whoopsie, Jennifer’s skirt is too short. Ryan hilariously pretends this is another stunning deviation from what we already know and love (to hate). She shoots him some daggers (the ones on her head). Oh, it’s on. And we never saw Ryan Seacrest again.

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Scripted dinner chat! Yay, these are my fave. Jeeeeeeena has officially become the shiniest mouthpiece for the show, raving about seat-filler Demi Lovato’s visit and worrying about the jaunty, overactive baby frog in Harry Connick Jr.’s throat. All seven of the idols murmur robotically about the night’s various social media strategies as if they are solely responsible for explaining the way of the modern world to a group of rapt aliens. Guys, it’s just us. Go ahead and tweet your pics and maybe we’ll see them. No exposition is necessary.

Ugh, something about Mustangs. That’s child’s play! The judges all have dozens of those throwaway toys. Every time Keith Urban mentions “Nic,” I’m like ooh, who’s your husband? Just in general.

Wow, that’s really all that happened. ‘Twas a pretty uneventful results show tonight in The House That Kelly Clarkson Built For Carrie Underwood. (Yeah, Slezak, I went there! Just for sport.) Unlike the heroic Michael Slezak, I don’t see the point of even mentioning Randy Jackson. Damnit. I lack discipline!

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So let’s jump to results:

Sent to Safety (in No Particular Order)
Jena Irene
Alex Preston
Caleb Johnson
C.J. Harris
Sam Woolf

Bottom 2 Vote-Getters
Dexter Roberts
Jessica Meuse

Dexter Roberts — lord knows he’s a “Lucky Man” (for making it this far)

Backwards baseball cap tonight for Dex — his signature “cocktail” attire. Get this kid a drink! Or at least a bushel of Easter candy.

Slezak will be back next week — in the meantime, discuss tonight’s Top 7 results! And for all my Annie news, video replies to weird questions, and photos of the sunset and my DVR, keep up with me on Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube!

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