AHS: Coven Finale Recap: Seven Up

American Horror Stroy Coven FinaleIn Wednesday’s grand finale of American Horror Story: Coven, not only do we get to see Misty and the teenage witches perform the Seven Wonders, but a last-minute contender emerges from the shadows to throw her (pointy black) hat into the ring. Who ultimately ascends to the Supremacy… and who dies trying? Read on for all the gory details!

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FINALS | After Stevie Nicks and the girls appear in their own private music video for Fleetwood Mac’s “Seven Wonders” (co-starring a cat I can’t recall them ever having) and Myrtle serves a Last Supper-inspired pre-contest meal (supernatural carbo-loading?), we’re off to the races. First up: telekinesis — Madison’s bailiwick, Myrtle notes. And though the starlet has no idea what the word means, she and her peers all pass the Carrie test. Next, a demonstration of mind control leads to bitch-slapping, hair-pulling and poor FrankenKyle being used as a kinky prop. (If neither sorcery nor acting work out for Madison, she’d make a fine dominatrix.) Feat No. 3 requires the contestants to descend into hell. And, in spite of Myrtle’s warning that “it’s the getting back, darlings, that’s the challenge,” Misty becomes trapped in high school, where she’s forced over and over again for all eternity to dissect the dead frog that she resurrects. RIP, Swamp Thing.

AND THE WINNER IS… | After a moment’s — and I do mean “a moment’s” — reflection on Misty’s demise, the wannabe Supremes’ transmutation exam devolves into a rollicking game of tag… which leaves Zoe impaled on Miss Robichaux’s wrought-iron fence. Moving hastily along to vitalum vitalis (you know, bringing stuff back to life), Queenie tries and fails to revive Zoe, and Madison swats, then unswats a fly rather than reanimate her rival. Since the bratlet is obviously the new Supreme, she tells Cordelia and Myrtle that they can “either crown me or kiss my ass.” Thankfully, Myrtle’s convenient epiphany — that Cordelia could be the new Supreme — keeps both of those things from happening. In no time, the blind sorceress has passed every test that Madison has — plus, she succeeds where Madison fails, at divination. Ticked at being bested, Madison writes off Miss Robichaux’s as “just some jacked-up version of Celebrity Rehab” and announces that she’s headed back to Hollywood, “where people are normal.” RIP, Miss Congeniality. Oh wait, not yet!

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SEEING RED | Moments later — apparently forgetting that she’s a powerful witch — Madison does nothing to stop FrankenKyle when he interrupts her packing to throttle her for refusing to resurrect Zoe. (Even Spalding doesn’t want Madison anymore — the baby doll fetishist tells FrankenKyle that they’ll bury her.) Meanwhile, Cordelia returns Zoe to the land of the living and, at last having come into her powers, regains her eyesight and her ability to do glamtastic hair and make-up. She even takes Miss Robichaux’s public, conducting TV interviews in which she likens being a witch to being gay (or, in pop-culture terms, a Slayer). The one bummer in it all? Myrtle insists upon being burned at the stake for murdering the old Council. “At the start of your glorious reign,” she tells Delia, “the last thing you need is an Abscam, a Watergate.” RIP, you delectable nutbag. And welcome, new Council members Zoe and Queenie.

ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING | Before Cordelia throws open the doors to a ’round-the-block line of Goth Idol auditioners — er, Miss Robichaux’s new students — she has to take care of some unfinished business: her mother. Resembling death warmed over but not yet dead — surprise! — Fiona reveals that she implanted in the Axeman’s head the false memory of him hacking her to bits, so that a) she could be rid of him, and b) she could let Cordelia figure out the identity of the new Supreme (then, of course, kill her). Now, however, she just wants to die. She’s even willing to explain herself to her daughter: If she was awful to Cordelia, it was only because every time she looked at her, she saw her own mortality staring back. “And all this time,” Delia cracks, “I thought you just didn’t like me.” While the new Supreme refuses to slit her mother’s throat, she does offer an embrace — possibly their first and definitely their last. Once she’s passed away, Fiona wakes to the sound of a rooster crowing… in a room with hideous wallpaper. As Papa Legba cackles, she realizes that she’s in her version of hell — stuck in the country forevermore with the Axeman and his damn Gin Rickeys!

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the episode? The season? Hit the comments!