Revenge Fall Finale Recap: Wed or Alive

Revenge Daniel Shoots EmilyIn Revenge’s fall finale, Emily has her endgame all worked out. After she marries Daniel, Victoria will be arrested for her “murder,” Victoria will roll over on Conrad, and boom! They’ll both pay for what they did to David. (Oh, come on. Don’t pretend it’s supposed to make sense to anyone but our erstwhile Amanda.) Instead, after marrying Daniel, Emily is shot for real and… On second thought, maybe we’d best start this recap of “Exodus” at the beginning. Everybody got their champagne and Kevlar? Here we go!

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YOU SPIN ME ROUND (LIKE A RECORD) | Following what Victoria calls Conrad and Lydia’s “slumber party,” the Grayson patriarch discovers his mistress’ incriminating journal (that is, her journal that incriminates HIM) and gives her the heave-ho. In turn, the woman scorned – hell-bent on never returning to her life as a bar wench – uses that years-old photo she found of Emily at the Graysons’ New Year’s Eve bash to blackmail her into forking over the beach house. But, after Conrad learns from Margaux that not only was Lydia of no use to her, “as twisted as it seems, she loves you,” he reunites with her, setting the stage for… well, you’ll read all about that in a minute.

LOVER COME BACK TO ME | As Sara puts on a brave face with Daniel – noting that, thanks to him, her baking is getting all the attention that the girls on 2 Broke Girls want – Emily says her farewell to Jack, adding that, oh, by the way, Amanda was with her when she died. At that point, Jack has had it once and for all (again). “You’ve taken everything from me,” he cries, “even this moment, this goodbye.” Meanwhile, at Emily’s request, Conrad brings Patrick back to the Hamptons to incentify Victoria to attend the wedding. (Because sometimes excuses to glower aren’t incentive enough.) But any hopes Nolan has of reuniting with his no-longer-banished beau are dashed immediately, summarily and, it turns out, temporarily. Keep reading… 

IN TOO DEEP | During a wedding full of flashbacks (of the horrors inflicted upon Amanda and David by the Graysons), Emily thanks her groom “for letting me into your life, into your family.” In other words, for being the biggest chump since Liza Minnelli married David Gest. At the reception, Ems notes that Daniel appears to be “drinking for both of us.” It’s hard to blame him, though. Richie Rich is still so conflicted that he phones Sara. Mind you, Emily doesn’t know (nor, at this point, would she likely care). She has badder fish to fry. Patrick has affixed himself so snugly to “Mommie Drearest” (per Nolan, and shouldn’t it have been Dreariest?) that it’ll be impossible to isolate/frame her on the yacht. So Nolan texts his ex that he knows the truth about Father Paul (RIP) to draw him away…

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MY HEART GOES BANG | As the Graysons are about to sail away with the newlyweds, Nolan assures Patrick that he’s cool with his attempted murder of Conrad (tough break, Father Paul), and they hook up anew. (Nolan even implies the L word.) Back aboard the Loveless Boat, Conrad surprises everyone by introducing Lydia as his traveling companion. WTF? Emily wants to know. “It may be your honeymoon, sweetheart, but it’s still my yacht,” he replies. Then, while Daniel gets a call informing him that Sara has attempted to commit suicide, Lydia makes peace with Victoria (as best one can) by proffering the incriminating picture of Emily as a cater waiter with unfortunate hair. “And they say no one ever thinks about the mother of the groom,” Victoria purrs. Armed with this new intel, the queen bee surprises Emily at what’s to be the scene of the crime with a glass of bubbly – since she’s now certain that the new Mrs. Grayson is no more pregnant than Nolan is. (Further complicating matters: She tosses the gunpowder-covered bracelet overboard for random dramatic effect!) After Emily admits it’s true, she used the imaginary baby to nudge Daniel down the aisle, Aiden chloroforms Victoria and carries her off. At which point Daniel appears. “I heard everything,” he slurs. (Yet he doesn’t seem to have noticed his mother being dragged away by his wife’s lover? Hmm… ) Hurt, pissed, drunk and – as (rotten) luck would have it, in possession of the “murder” weapon – he shoots his wife, and at last she makes that elegant, impossible fall overboard that we’ve been promised all season.

Sooo… what did you think of the episode? Were you surprised that Daniel turned out to be the shooter? Who were you expecting it to be? Personally, I enjoyed seeing Lydia with some power for a change. (Did you take Conrad’s offer to her as a proposal… or just a proposal to be his kept woman once more? And am I the only one who is this fixated on Lydia?) I know you’ll be glad to have Nolan with Patrick again, but what was up with their reunion? They got back together with a tearful head-bump? Not even a kiss? (Matt Fielding had hotter trysts, and that was 100 years ago!) As usual, Victoria accessorized with zingers. My favorite: “When Conrad reaches out, beware of what’s in his hand.” Anyway, your turn. Hit the comments.