American Horror Story: Coven Recap: Shocknado

American Horror Story Coven RecapEvery time you even think about telling yourself that “The Replacements” — this week’s kinktastic American Horror Story: Coven — can’t possibly get any more demented, it does. Not only are we (trick or) treated to not one but two “Oh no they didn’t!” hook-ups, we also get the surprising murder of… Well, you’ll see. Keep reading.

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THE OL’ WITCHEROO | The episode opens with Fiona flashing back to 1971 and her merciless assassination of her Supreme (the awesome Christine Ebersole), then in present-day lamenting her fading power and beauty. (Which of course would be more believable if Jessica Lange weren’t the sexiest sixtysomething on the planet!) To add insult to injury, the enchantress is told that, because of her poor health, she’s ineligible for plastic surgery. So, by the time she’s singled out Madison as the next Supreme and taken her under her wing, we’re well and truly set up to think she means it when she asks the movie starlet to stab her. “Kill me for the sake of the coven,” she begs — and then turns the tables on the gullible girl and kills her! “Bury her deep,” she instructs Spalding. “God knows what all that s*** in her body will do to the lawn when it comes up in the spring.” The idea — Madison replacing Fiona! “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme,” scoffs our one and only, gazing at her would-be successor bleeding on the floor. “It needs a new rug.”

FEELING “HORNY” | To, ahem, “help” Delphine adjust to the modern world — she’s reduced to tears by the discovery that we have an African-American president — Fiona makes her the school’s new maid. (Uniform and all!) But, as you’d expect, “Miss Aryan Sisterhood” balks at the notion of serving Queenie. So Fiona again steps in, informing the human voodoo doll that she now has her own personal slave. What none of them realize at that moment is that Queenie’s new slave comes with a bonus: Delphine draws Marie Laveau’s minotaur to their doorstep. “How the hell is a scary monster a bonus?” you ask. It’s a bonus because, knowing his history, Queenie guesses that he’s a kindred spirit, and instead of try to drive him away, lures him into Cordelia’s shed, diddles herself and breathlessly asks, “Don’t you wanna love me?” (Which, we are given the distinct impression, he does. Yikes! PETA! PETA, where are you when we need you?!)

MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER? | Upon learning that Kyle’s trashy mother was ready to commit suicide following his demise, Zoe interrupts her would-be beau’s snuggling session with Misty to bring him home. “You can’t just replace me!” Misty yells when not babbling about how Stevie Nicks was never really herself until she found “her tribe.” But replace her, Zoe seems intent on doing. What she doesn’t know — and we are soon horrified to learn — is that Kyle’s mom went so nuts without him because she was so nuts with him. In a truly squirm-inducing scene, she kisses her son in a wholly inappropriate way and then does other things to him that are even less appropriate. (My eyes! My eyes!) By the time Zoe returns to check up on her handiwork, Kyle has bashed his abuser’s head in with a trophy. (May Fiona never consider him as a potential plastic surgeon.)

BABY TALK | Her magical attempt at getting pregnant a failure, desperate Cordelia turns to Marie Laveau for help. There is a spell that will do the trick, Marie says. All it takes is a 2 oz. jar of her husband’s “baby gravy,” a hot pepper, a sacrificial lamb, a new moon and $50,000. (Wouldn’t it be cheaper, less hassle and much kinder to animals to adopt at the next casting call for Teen Mom?) No problem, says Cordelia, even though she has no idea where she’s going to come up with that much money. Oh, but there is a problem, cackles Marie. No way, no how will she perform the spell… because she hates Fiona! (Snap!)

STRIP TEASE | In the hour’s other big plot — though it seems smallish in retrospect, especially in comparison to bestiality, incest, murder and matricide — religious nut Joan (Patti LuPone) and her blandly hunky son, Luke, move in next door to Miss Robichaux’s. “He’s so backed up,” Madison observes (prior to her death, of course), “all I’d have to say is ‘panties,’ and he’d jizz his jeans.” Natch, when she and Nan roll out the welcome wagon, it doesn’t end well. There’s a bit of a fire, and the knife Madison sends flying Joan’s way misses by mere inches. (“She has to work on her aim,” Fiona smirks.) Maybe it’s just as well Madison kicked the bucket: Luke seems to prefer Nan, anyway.

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the episode? Does your jaw hurt from dropping over and over? Hit the comments!

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