Mistresses Recap: Dead Man Stalking

Mistresses Recap All InChaos among friends can be strangely contagious. Take this week’s Mistresses, for example.

April lets wild and crazy Joss pack Lucy’s lunchbox (and by “lunch,” of course, I mean a smorgasbord of salt and high fructose corn syrup), and what happens next? The kid gets a stomach ache, Karen picks up a stalker, Harry discovers his inner pugilist and — most alarming of all — April’s dead husband gets his Lazarus on, rings her doorbell and gives her the spousal equivalent of Budweiser’s classic/irritating “Wassup?” ad. Is it wrong that my immediate response to the last of those whoppers is wondering how exactly she’ll drop the bomb on Savi, Karen and Joss?

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So let’s jump right to the action for our quartet of chicas — while raising pertinent questions we’ll need to see answered in their futures:

SAVI | As if Mistresses wasn’t already absurdly hot — seriously, even the home furnishings are sexy — we meet Harry’s smoldering business partner Jeff. I think he’s saying something about money being tight at Savannah’s Kitchen, and how maybe the lamb dish should be seasonal, but it’s really hard to concentrate when the smoke detector has gone off in my living room because this dude is sharing a screen with megastud Harry. I do know that a lightbulb appears over Harry’s head when Jeff says he should ask Savi for a cash infusion; not many women would endure the awful process of opening an eatery — let alone funding it with their life savings, Jeff notes. Good point!

When Savi gets home, she’s certain Harry will ask for a divorce, but he zags where she expects him to zig(-a-zig-ahh). Harry says Savi shouldn’t leave her job — she’s too close to making partner — and “We’ll figure it out.” Smart girl that she is, Savi picks up on the ‘W’ word: “We. You said ‘we’ — ‘We’ll figure it out.’ Does that mean there’s still a ‘we’?” Looks like it — unless Harry’s just looking for easy cash before turning to that easy hostess — Kyra With the Fun Bags (TM).

At work, Savi tells Dominic that he was right — she’s staying with the firm — and they agree to give each other space. Except for Felker’s retirement party is happening that very night, and (uh-oh) Harry tells Savi he’d be happy to accompany her. Kudos to Alyssa Milano and Brett Tucker for nailing the awkward tension that percolates when a couple who’s not entirely in sync arrives at a tense soiree. Harry goes straight for the bar. Savi heads straight for her boss. And — blunder of blunders — Dominic (who’s been led to believe the bun in Savi’s oven is one of Harry’s recipes) goes over and congratulates Harry (who assumes Dom knows the baby could be either one of theirs). Thinking he’s being taunted, Harry winds his arm back and throws a whopper of a punch in Dom’s face. KABLOWY!

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After Harry flees the scene, Savi and Dom have it out. “I do not owe you anything!” says Savi, dismissing Dom’s basic humanity. “I’ve done everything I can to make this right!” But Dom counters with a pertinent question: “For who?”

Harry, blind with rage (or who knows what) doesn’t come home till the next morning, claiming he needed air. “Twelve and a half hours is a lot of air!” says Savi, teetering on the one leg she probably doesn’t have a right to stand on. And then Harry confesses that, “for the first time since you told me [about the affair], I feel better.” The gigantic kitchen island stands like a sea between them  — A++ work by the set decorators, I must add — and Savi can’t come up with anything more conclusive than, “OK, then. Good.” Is it crazy that I don’t feel great about where this is going? Maybe if both parties agreed to couples’ counseling…

Key questions: Was Harry’s “A-ha!” moment a case of realizing his wife’s general awesomeness, or a more selfish case of realizing she’s got more money to invest in Australian lamb? Does Dom — the mistress in this game — have the right to his own needs and feelings? And would it worry you or excite you that Harry finally felt peace after slugging his romantic rival? (For the record, my head votes “worry,” my heart votes “excite.”)

JOSS | In the wake of her massive fight with Savi, Joss moves out of the guest house and in with April — who’s committed to being an “emotional Switzerland.” Strangely enough, though, Joss finds herself irked by bossman Olivier’s fascination with her lesbian gal pal Alex when the unlikely duo meets in the office elevator. When Joss (stupid hot in white tank and black leather pants) lures Alex out for a post-work drink and acts like a debauched sorority skank (or something like it) by grinding against her pal and trying to catch the attention of guys in the club, Alex hits the proverbial buzzer, storming off but leaving Joss with some cab money. Later, Joss goes back to Alex’s and apologizes — it’s her fight with her sister that’s making her crazy — and Alex offers a shoulder to lean on. Could this be the start of a beautiful (platonic-ish) friendship?

Key questions: Who else recognized and appreciated Enya’s “Caribbean Blue” playing in the background of Alex’s yoga studio? And who else loved the sweet detail of Joss straightening April’s painting and breezily declaring, “realtor reflex!”? Also: Joss and Savi need to make up next week or else — right?

KAREN | Oh, Karen, a mess so hot you could crack an egg on her flat abs and have a perfect sunny-side-up in a matter of minutes! On a hike with Savi, our resident psychologist admits her dead lover/patient’s son Sam has turned their relationship to just a step too far past a “schoolboy crush,” and though she won’t say it out loud, the bad vibes have her freaked enough to buy a floodlight and pepper spray. Wouldn’t you know Karen runs into sexy insurance investigator Anthony Newsome at the hardware story, and when she explains her reasons for at first protecting Mr. Grey, then giving up her notes, Anthony purrs, “Moral and beautiful — it’s a nice combination.” Because dude is hot, employed and seemingly emotionally available, Karen gets flustered: “Now I really should get going.” UGH, Karen, you’re officially the worst!

When Karen get home and finds three missed calls on her phone from Sam, discovers her front-door cam is dead, and then hears something go bump in the night, she dials Savi (bah! voicemail!) and then Anthony, who drops in for a little home improvement (not a euphemism). The duo shares wine and conversation — Anthony left the police force after the death of a low level informant who was simply a “good kid” — but Karen (in crazy-short shorts) rejects his advances thusly: “I’ve made this mistake before. It’s not clean between us. I need to do the right thing here, and the right thing is for you to go.” No, girl, the right thing is to let the viewing audience see Gary Dourdan’s abs!

No, wait, I didn’t mean that. Or at least I didn’t mean it. Karen clearly needs some solo time so she can learn to spread her wings and fly (but not fly head-on into a happy family’s picture window). Speaking of needing some solo time, as Karen leaves the hosue the next morning, we see Sam, sitting in his car and gazing at his unrequited lover. But where’s the dramatic “dun dun dunnnnn” music?

Key questions: Please tell me someone else is paranoid enough that you’re wondering if Anthony is part of another elaborate scheme to ruin Karen? (Hey, everyone else — the Widow Gray and Sam, anyway — seems to be!) Should Karen reject Anthony, or should she be eager to get with any dude who’s not her patient (or the offspring of one of her patients)?

APRIL | April can’t catch a single break — although she might have better luck if she kept her attorney on speed dial. Girlfriend finally signs the contract to sell 20 percent of her store back to its original investor, and Richard suggests a dinner date to help distract her. “Every time I plan a date,” April notes, “something bad happens: The baby sitter gets cramps, or my dead husband’s mistress shows up at my door — twice!” But things can always get worse, don’tcha know? After Richard invites April to Santa Barbara for the weekend — and leaves her reeling and unable to concot an answer — they exit the restaurant where April sees her late hubby staring at her from across the street. “I think I might be drunk,” she says, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t see her dead spouse, did it?

The next day, Joss reminds April that the latter woman once imagined getting “ghost calls” from her dead hubby, and so anything is possible. And April realizes this is the call of pragmatism, so she marches to her late hubby’s grave, thanks him for the good years they had, places her wedding ring atop his tombstone and says goodbye. And then, as the episode ends, April answers her door and there stands her husband, as plain as an unadorned bowl of vanilla ice cream. (See what happens when she tries to plan a date!) Why. The. Face?

Key questions: Who was watching Lucy while April visited the grave? (Joss was out for drinks so it couldn’t have been her!) And what would you do if your presumed dead hubby dropped in unannounced after three years of being MIA?

“I have a hard time separating from my footwear: They’re like sets of twin babies.” –Joss, observing April putting together a box for good will

“Hey, have you guys ever taken an ice cube and…” –Joss, responding to April’s comment that she’s there if Joss ever wants to talk

“What kind of Australian chef doesn’t have lamb on his menu?” –Harry, responding to his business partner’s idea to make it a seasonal dish

“The ’80s soap?” –April, responding to Richard’s question, “What are your thoughts on Santa Barbara?”

OK, for the SEVENTH straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments! And follow me on Twitter for all my recaps, commentary and exclusive clips!