Mistresses Recap: A Tale of Two Sisters

Mistresses Recap PaybackVarious skanks got all up in our protagonists’ grills on this week’s installment of Mistresses: But a busty restaurant hostess, a nefarious baby mama, a conniving widow and an office prude couldn’t do nearly as much damage to Savi, April, Karen and Joss as they could do to themselves.

Yep, this was the week when things got REALLY REAL on summer’s most decadent TV treat, which is to say that real feelings got hurt, real tears got shed and I really realized my life won’t be the same if ABC doesn’t do the right thing and give this show a second season.

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So let’s jump right to the action for our quartet of chicas — while raising pertinent questions we’ll need to see answered in their futures:

SAVI | Savi kicks off the week in her backyard — where we learn that her lawn furniture is as fabulous as her wardrobe, her interior decor, her husband’s abdominal muscles and her illicit lover’s forearms. (Yep, I’m pretty sure she’s unknowingly got the winning Powerball ticket wedged in the bottom of her purse, too.) Savi even gets to have pre-work breakfast chats with BFFs April and Karen, but when Joss pops out of the guest house, they change the subject — how Harry left for the restaurant without another word to Savi after her bombshell revelation about her pregnancy and her affair — with April blurting out that she slept with Richard in a bed in her shop that cost “$699 plus tax.” (We love the way April works in the important details, yes?)

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Savi swings by the restaurant to try to figure out Harry’s state of mind, but that conniving skank of a hostess interrupts them not once, but twice. (Cut to me on my couch: “This BITCH!” And don’t gasp, because you know you said the same thing.) As if she doesn’t have enough on her plate, Savi then has to deal with Hot Dom dropping by her office and asking if she’d thought at all about their post-affair situation: “Yes, I thought about it. But it doesn’t matter. I’m pregnant, and it’s Harry’s. So there’s just nothing to talk about anymore,” she lies, as breezy as the white-and-turquoise floral hair clip tucked behind her ear. (Yes, Savi’s accessories are fiercer than all of ours, too.)

At lunch with Karen, Savi takes out her aggression on a crab leg, and tells her pal she’s certain Harry is sleeping with “Kira With the Funbags.” Later, to make things better, Savi tells Harry she’ll quit her job, move to a less powerful firm and cut back on her hours — so they’re not “ships passing in the night” and so that “this way you can stop doing that” — and with that, she gives a knowing glance toward Kira With the Funbags (TM pending). “I don’t sleep with people I work with,” responds Harry, as close as you can get to a straight man doing three snaps in a Z formation.

So then Hot Dom is all, “You’ve almost made partner, girl — don’t throw your career away!” And Kira With the Funbags is all, “I’m a good listener and you can sleep on my couch, Harry.” (Is that what we’re calling it now, Skeezy McNastypants?) And Harry is admirably, “Savi liked it and then she put a ring on it, so thanks but no thanks.”

Yep, it turns out Harry truly loves Savi, but he’s not going to be the bad guy and make her change jobs and have her blame him in the end. The decision is all hers. And he’s sorry if he’s needed more than a couple days to try to figure out where he stands, since he’s “still dealing with the fact that you destroyed me. And more importantly, you destroyed us.” And then there are tears in Harry’s eyes, and it’s like, yes, there are serious consequences — even on a delicious summer souffle like Mistresses. (Slow clap to Brett Tucker and Alyssa Milano, who are amazing in this scene, BTW.)

Key questions: Can Savi and Harry overcome this rift? Will Harry succumb to Kira With the Funbags’ temptations? If you were Savi, would you arrange for Kira’s necklace to get caught in a garbage disposal where she’d wind up getting strangled to death? (Mmm-hmm, that was an Orphan Black reference.) Or would you simply take the new (and lesser) job? And if yes, would you have one last desktop romp with Dom, just for old times’ sake? (P.S. You just imagined that last question. I didn’t actually ask it. #happilymarried)

JOSS | Joss deals with two tough adversaries this week. Bossman Olivier is displeased with her when she gathers the firm’s staff in his office to gawk out the window at a porn scene being filmed next door. (Show of hands: Who Googled “the Siberian Husky” after Joss gave the move a shout out?) Joss calls him “a giant, French pressure cooker,” but when she breaks a client’s “no photos” rule and blows a deal, he sums her up pretty brutally: “Rules do not apply to Josslyn Carver — and I didn’t have to Google you to figure that out.” As payback, Joss fills Olivier’s closet with bananas — and a note reading “For Your Potassium” — and he can’t help but chuckle at her zaniness. If dude was on Twitter, he’d be all, “#Jossrules.”

While searching Savi’s jewelry drawer, Joss finds a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and does the math to figure out she’s about to become a Hot Aunt. Cue Joss sharing the news with April (who already knows), and April warning Savi to come clean — since Joss described her as a “wench.” And so come clean Savi does — including the admission that she’d cheated on Harry. And this leads to a truly devasating fight.

Joss being Joss, she’s more upset that her sister didn’t come to her with the news. Savi, though, explains that she didn’t want Joss to breezily dismiss her indiscretion with a quip about the perils of monogamy. “I want to be judged and I deserve to be judged for this,” she says, her pain completely palpable. But Joss has a good counterpoint. “You’re the saint. I’m the screw-up,” she notes, wondering if maybe Savi wanted to maintain that dynamic, wanted to avoid being seen as frail and human, too. And that’s when Savi gets a little too Judgy McHaughtypants, shouting “You do this kind of thing all the time!” Wait a second: Last time I checked, Joss hadn’t recited any vows of matrimony and therefore has the right to be as loose and wild as she wants to be. And Joss feels the burn of Savi’s condescension, too. Maybe they’re not alike, she agrees, because “I would never do what you just did to me.” Ouch. I know we’re supposed to be worried about Savi and Harry’s future, but oddly, I’m even more stressed out about Savi and Joss. I need the sisterly dynamic fixed — and by the end of Episode 7. #thankyouverymuch

Key questions: Was Joss at fault for making Savi’s confession all about herself, or did Savi cross the line by painting Joss as some kind of homewrecking butterfly? Joss and Olivier: Are you feeling the sexual chemistry? Is there payback in store for “freakin Mona”? And I didn’t Google “the Siberian husky,” so would someome please hit the comments and explain it in PG-13 terms?

KAREN | Let’s keep this to a single paragraph, because A) This isn’t Karen’s week anyway, and B) She’s sure to still be fracking everything up next week, probably even worse. So… Karen tells Savi she turned over her notes on Thomas Grey to the insurance investigator (the forged ones that note he was in a suicidal frame of mind) and that she suspects Mrs. Grey will be forfeiting her right to the $10 million insurance claim. But then there’s a break-in at Karen’s office where nothing is stolen, but where her computer has been clearly turned on and accessed (not a euphemism). When Elizabeth Grey refuses to take her calls, she goes to the home of her secret dead lover’s widow, where the housekeeper is all, “Mrs. Grey left for Italy — and she didn’t give a return date!” Jacob gets annoyed when Karen won’t share the deets of why the break-in made her paranoid, and then someone (Dead Creamated Thomas? Sam? A goblin?) slips a photo of Karen with a note that says “missing you” under her tea set! I caahhhhhhhhhn’t even with all this.

Key questions: Seeing how Karen prescribed “lethal doses of morphine” to Thomas, why the hell would she turn over notes to an investigator discussing his suicidal frame of mind? How bad do you think this is going to get: imprisonment, institutionalization or merely professional ignominy? And if Mrs. Grey hadn’t set a return date, how come her maid was dressed in full uniform instead of rocking a pair of sweats, and old t-shirt and a gin and tonic?

APRIL | April agrees to a followup date with Richard the Cute Dad, sharing she knocked $100 off the price of the bed they christened a few nights prior — mostly out of guilt. But she doesn’t feel guilty about writing a $100 check for Miranda, explaining a monthly payment plan will have to do, since, “I didn’t hit the lottery. And I don’t have $1 million sitting around.”

Later, Richard shows up for a lunch date, where April hilariously shares that she doesn’t do picnics or surprises. But — the universe being a pesky beyotch — here comes a whopper of a surprise in the form of her late husband’s baby mama. “Sorry, am I interrupting something?” Miranda asks in the voice of a woman who knows she is interrupting something really awesome. And then she has the nerve to drop this whopper: “This payment plan isn’t gonna work for me.” When April responds with incredulity, Miranda tries to make her feel bad, saying that April isn’t a good person, that she’s trying to dismiss her as “the whore who slept with your husband.” And April, who is awesome, fires back: “You said it, not me.” MMMKAY, girl, you let her have it!

Richard, who seems to be pretty awesome himself, is not scared off by the fact that they’ve missed the Dodgers game due to unforseen craziness. “Your vortex is my vortex,” he says, reversing course on his earlier sentiments on female drama. But when April’s daughter asks for $100 to sign up for a dance class, our favorite Mistresses widow (come on, that Grey woman isn’t even in the running) feels a pang of guilt. Next thing you know, she’s telling Miranda that she’s selling piece of her store back to original investor, that she’s descided to give Miranda a lump-sum payment and that she’s not doing it for her, that’s it’s actually Paul doing something for his son. Well said, but lady, where is thy lawyer?

Key questions: Anyone notice the parallels of the $100 bed discount, the $100 dance class, and the $100 monthly payment to Miranda? Also, April is going to bring Savi in for a legal consult next week, right? And do you think Miranda is acting alone or in cahoots with Dead Paul?

“Of course she took the only jelly donut.” –Savi, pointing out another way Joss ruins everything

“You can say his name, Mona: He’s not Voldemort.” –Joss, dishing Olivier

“Do you think his chest is hairy?” –Mona, after reading Google results about Olivier’s workout fanaticism and love of potassium-rich foods

“He is sleeping with his slutty hostess Kira. Yeah, Kira. With the funbags. Kira with the funbags.” –Savi, speculating on Harry’s extracurricular activities

April explaining to Richard that she was trying to ask “Who’s ready for a night of ffffffun?” not “Who’s ready for a night of [something else that starts with ‘f’]?” when they got interrupted by her daughter

“Harry must be so proud of his little Australian sperm!” –Joss, discussing Savi’s pregnancy for the first time

“That’s the first thing you buy for the baby.” –April, observing Joss’ “Sexy Aunt” t-shirt

OK, for the SIXTH straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments! And follow me on Twitter for all my recaps, commentary and exclusive clips!

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