This week’s Mistresses was Rated W…for Waah Chicka Waah Waah; WTF; Wait Just a Second Now; and WHOA!
Yes indeed, “Decisions, Decisions” found April and Joss making like Missy Elliott and getting their respective freaks on; Karen continuing to make inscrutable life decisions; Dominic declaring that he’s more than just an (obscenely hot) opportunistic hook-up; and Savi coming all-the-way clean to Harry (in a scene that made me audibly gasp).
Juicy, juicy stuff. So let’s not delay. Instead, we’ll jump right to the action for our quartet of protagonists — while raising pertinent questions we’ll need to see answered in their futures:
SAVI | Uh-oh. Harry gives Savi a morning kiss, declares that her breath smells of pennies and Googles the symptoms, determining that she might be [cue Oprah voice in 3, 2, 1…] HAVING HIS BAY-BAYYYY! Alas, though, the results of Savi’s paternity test haven’t come back, so she brushes off his enthusiasm, heads to work and finds herself irked when Dom stands outside her office flirting with some newbie chick. Savi notes she’s got no issue with Dom moving on, rather, she’s “got a problem with flighty girls in flimsy blouses not doing their work — and preventing me from doing mine.” MMM. KAYYY? Dominic, though, ain’t goin’ out like that, and confesses to Savi that their one-night-at-the-office stand actually meant something to him. “I don’t regret what happened that night. Not for a moment. Not for a second.” [Sidebar: Did anyone else need the smelling salts after that line?] Continuing the “Savi’s worst month ever” theme, she arrives home to find Harry presenting her with a virgin cranberry mojito and a pregnancy test. When she hits the bathroom — panicking, naturally — she discovers she’s spotting, and figures it means she’s miscarried. Later, though, her OB-GYN informs her that’s totally normal and her pregnancy is still viable — but her blood pressure and heart rate are off the charts. So what’s an expectant mom in a pickle supposed to do? When she comes home and finds Harry lamenting what might’ve been — while trying to stuff a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting back on the shelf, she decides to come clean. “I’m pregnant, Harry, but it might not be yours.”
Key questions: Did Savi do the right thing in giving Harry the whole, unvarnished truth? (I’ve got to admit, while I supported the idea of her carrying the ugly secret to her grave, the stakes got too high — with the baby on the way — to not give him full honesty.) Can their marriage survive? And do we still think Harry’s been getting it on with that skank hostess at his restaurant? (We may not have seen her since the premiere, but we never forget, do we ladies and assorted gents?)
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JOSS | Joss kicks off the week with that guy in her bed again (codename: Musculus Infantilus), you know the one who likes to watch cartoons and isn’t much for conversation. Alex shows up at Joss’s while dude is still naked and passed out, but Joss essentially dismisses it with an unspoken, “no biggie… he sleeps through anything — including my vague flirtation with my new lesbian BFF.” The gals go for a hike, and Joss says she’s gonna take a shower while Alex figures out where to go for brunch. Little does she know… brunch is going down in the shower, if I ain’t being too subtle. “Do you mind if I join you?” says Alex, who’s apparently left her clothes at the bathroom door (a pretty strong show of confidence, if you ask me). Things get steamy — on every conceivable level — but afterward, Joss explains she’s hoping they can keep things casual. Harry, though, who spots the sapphic connection in his kitchen, confronts Joss while she makes jokes about his abnormally large cucumber (not a euphemism). If Joss’ friendship with Alex matters, why is she mucking it up with sex? he asks. Hasn’t she learned from the rom-com genre that friends can’t have sex? “The lesson I learned,” huffs Joss, “was not to be the boring straight person whose conventional values never bring them any happiness.” But when Joss goes to help Alex move into her new apartment, and Alex’s fresh ex Sally says it’s clear Alex has fallen for Joss, our plucky realtor decides to back off. Well… for a hot minute anyway. When the boy-toy begins to bore Joss, and Alex texts a funny pic of her new pet lizard, Joss can’t resist. She bops out of her guesthouse abode — while dude is still in the shower — to visit the woman for whom she might just be falling.
Key questions: Might Joss be a little less straight than she thinks she is? Might Alex just be using Joss as a rebound? And is it crazy that I think in the end, Alex might go back to Sally at the exact moment Joss takes down her walls and admits she’s falling in love? Stay tuned.
APRIL | So here’s April’s week in a nutshell. Her accountant informs her that even though she’s his most responsible client ever, she’s burning through her late hubby’s $500,000 insurance settlement rápidamente. Midway through their pow-wow, she gets a call that 10-year-old Lucy didn’t show up for school. What to the what? Turns out she ditched it — along with Hot Richard’s daughter — to go to a Selena Gomez book signing, chaperoned by (as April grimly notes) “a woman who drives a Hummer. Not feeling comforted.” (April is hilarious? We all need April in our lives? Yes? Yes.) April’s stern sit-down with Lucy goes oddly when her own kid seems strangely unrepentant about her Selena experience and calls her mom a “goody two-shoes” on top of it. Later, when Richard drops by her shop to chat, his “Spidey sense” tells him that April somehow regrets being the good girl who’s never done anything impulsive. Which leads to — ohnosheditn’t! ohYESshemostcertainlyDIDthedamnthing! — a massive kiss, a “Closed” sign on the home-furnishings-shop door, and the old adage “if the floor-model bed’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.” Richard, he’s got his own hilarious take: “You’re gonna have to mark down this bed after what we just put it through.” Oh yes. And oh snap.
Key questions: Let’s just allow April a week of unadulterated sexytimes and not wonder about her obvi-not-dead hubby and his obvi-up-to-no-good possible harlot/possible baby mama/possible con-artist mistress.
KAREN | Oh, Karen, thanks for being such a hot mess so the rest of us can feel like we’re CRUSHING IT on every possible level of our personal and professional lives. (Even if an afternoon thundershower made it “too wet” to break out our new running shoes. And even if there’s a pint of Heath-Bar Crunch defrosting on the counter as a reward for finishing this recap. Sigh.) Karen, even as she flirts with a malpractice suit, professional discrediting and maybe jailtime, gets invited to be a keynote speaker at some fancy dinner alongside L.A.’s mayor and Hillary Clinton (!). [Jacob scores more points by revealing his crush on the former Secretary of State.] Pesky Investigator Newsome (Gary Dourdan) is back again this week, once again requesting Karen’s notes on her late former lover/patient Thomas Gray, and this time he mentions his investigation could turn criminal. [Dun dun DUNNN] Karen meets with her former lover/patient’s wife, but Elizabeth is all sunglasses and evasiveness and storming out of the cafe when Karen asks why Elizabeth dimissed “Cora the Hospice Nurse” early on the night Thomas died. “You may recall I was about to kill my husband with the drugs you so kindly provided,” huffs Elizabeth. “It’s possible I wasn’t thinking straight.” Preach, sister! Later, Elizabeth returns and tells Karen she’s decided she doesn’t want the insurance money anymore, and that Karen needs to forge some notes declaring Thomas was indeed suicidal in the weeks leading up to his death. “We’re in this together,” she says, as a polite way of saying, “If I’m gonna do the cell-block tango, you’re gonna be my dance partner, bey-otch!” So Karen goes to her laptop and — instead of trying to get her speech in order — begins to cover her professional and personal tracks by painting a picture of Thomas as a man on the brink of ending it all.
Key questions: Karen is so ending up in the clink, isn’t she? Wouldn’t Cora the Hospice Nurse be a hot name for a Nurse Jackie spinoff? And how much did you love Jacob telling Karen to imagine everyone at the benefit dinner might be naked, except him, because that would be weird? Obviously, though, Karen (if she has any sanity or dignity left) should try to visualize the exact opposite. I mean, just look at this handsome devil, yes?
Week’s Best Quotes
“If you’re too sad to hike, I totally understand.” — Joss, trying to get out of a workout with Alex
“Teenagers don’t get to have autobiographies! What is going on here?” — April, aghast that her daughter cut school for a Selena Gomez book signing
“Despite what just happened — which, to be honest, was pretty gay — when it comes to my sexual orientation, I’m straight. I love me some penis.” — Joss, breaking it down for Alex
“Apparently my breath smells like some kind of metal baby. Whatever. I can’t talk about it. I just can’t.” — Savi, arriving at brunch with Karen and April
“And I want to meet the Pope so I can punch him in the face — but you don’t see me flying off to Rome.” — April, telling her daughter you can’t always get what you want
OK, for the fifth straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments!Follow @MichaelSlezakTV