Valentine's Day in Suburgatory: Romance, Plastic Surgery Horrors and ... Pig Hearts?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????The Valentine’s Day episode of ABC’s Suburgatory (airing Wednesday at 9:30/8:30c) will prove to be more frightening than romantic for some of Chatswin’s lovers.

On top of a horrofic Blowtox (yes, that’s Botox plus Blowfish) procedure-gone-wrong for one character, “Valentine’s Day becomes a test,” previews Annie Weisman, who penned the half-hour. “Is George going to do the extravagant Valentine’s that Dallas expects? And then for Tessa [and Ryan], it becomes this unexpected test of which one of them is deeper and more soulful.”

Below, the cast kisses and tells about how the denizens of Suburgatory are celebrating the holiday. Plus, watch Tessa’s reaction to Dallas’ strange new face!

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DALLAS/GEORGE | “They start out with really good intentions,” says Cheryl Hines of the couple’s first Valentine’s Day together. “At least Dallas is super excited about it. And George is really trying” with a super fancy 18-course meal prepared by Top Chef alum Michael Voltaggio as Chef Julio. “I couldn’t have written it better myself,” the culinary master raves of his character’s absurd dishes — including a sliver of pig heart drizzled in its own blood. “I’m like, ‘This is hilarious.’ It’s what I do, but taken to an extreme level.” Unfortunately for George, the elaborate dinner plans fall apart because Dallas isn’t ready to face the world following her Blowtox incident, Hines teases. How bad does she look? Well, her new visage was created by a special prosthetic team. “Carly [Chaikin, who plays Dalia] kept saying, ‘I feel like I want to cry every time I see you,'” shares Hines. So poor George will be eating for two while his girlfriend hides in the shadows, under burlap and any other which way she can. “[Valentine’s Day is] a bit of a disaster,” adds Hines. “It started out on the right foot and ended up in barf.”

RYAN/TESSA | The newbie couple’s plans involve an art house film that Tessa wants to see and Ryan is really not interested in. But because he’s a good boyfriend – and she promises him popcorn and candy – he agrees to skip a rager for the movie. “While we’re watching it, she’s realizing how horrible and horrid this film is,” previews Ryan’s portrayer, Parker Young. “She looks over, feeling so bad for me because I must be absolutely dying and I’ve got this cringe on my face.” But it turns out the football jock is deeply engrossed in what’s happening on screen. “I’m so moved and I love this film so much and it’s changed my life,” says Young of Ryan’s reaction. “Me and Tessa get into a fight over this because she hated this film, something that I really loved and took to heart. I can’t understand how somebody that I love cannot love the same thing as me.”

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????RELATED | Pilot Scoop: Maggie Lawson Joins ABC Comedy as Psych Enters Its (Likely) Final Season

THE SHAYS | Dallas and George aren’t the only parental units enjoying some romance. But before Sheila and Fred can have their sultry tango time together, they have to contend with some unexpected competition from guest star Mary Kay Place. “Sheila’s in a little bit of a battle with her mom (Place) over my attentions in some warped ways,” reveal Chris Parnell. Hmm, sound like anybody else you know in the Shay household? That brings us to…

LISA/MALIK | Is Valentine’s Day the perfect holiday to woo back the one you lost? Lisa’s ex is about to find out. “Malik and I are really at the crescendo of our attempts to reunite,” teases Allie Grant. “No stone goes unturned in his attempt to get us back together. It ends as it should.”

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