The Walking Dead Season 3 Premiere Recap: The Gore, the Merrier!

West Coasters, you might wanna press “pause” on this recap for a few hours. The rest of you, let’s rock ’n’ scroll!

“Seed” was the title of Sunday’s third season premiere of The Walking Dead, but if you ask me (and no one ever does), “Bleed” would’ve be more fitting! Approximately every other second, an overripe zombie head was getting either split open, poked through, shot up or cut off — and always with the kind of squishy special effects that make ya glad this show isn’t on at suppertime! The monster-smashing was worth it to Rick and Co., though: By the time they were done, they secured themselves a new sanctuary. Here’s the blow-by-blow:

RELATED | Walking Dead Premiere Post Mortem with EP Robert Kirkman: Is [Spoiler]’s Death Inevitable? Romance For Andrea and Michonne?

THE SILENT TREATMENT | Joining our band of survivors after a long, hard winter on the run, the episode opened with a wordless segment in which they broke into an abandoned house… which they were quickly forced to abandon themselves upon realizing that ugly décor was the least of its downsides. (When, even with little Carl helping to gun down walkers you can’t keep ’em at bay, you know it’s time to roll up the “welcome” mat!)

A WORLD OF SPURT | Shortly thereafter, Rick spotted the prison we all knew to expect. Pretty, it wasn’t. But, drawn to the safety of the ultimate “gated community,” the gang made a beeline for it, leaving a trail of undead brains in their wake. That night, while everyone was enjoying a campout in the yard (complete with a sing-along led by the Greene sisters), Lori tried in vain to talk to Rick about the issue that Daryl called simply “Little Shane.” Meanwhile, Carol coaxed the hunky redneck into giving her a shoulder rub and suggested they “screw around.” (Is it just me, or did you get the impression they’ve been going at it all winter?)

RELATED | Walking Dead Spoiler: Major Death Looms!

PRISON BREAK | The next day, our heroes stormed the prison itself, splatter-of-factly dispatching the walkers they found along the way. A besotted Carl appeared to think he was going to bunk with Beth — a thought Hershel gently knocked out of the boy’s noggin. Later, Lori confessed her fears to the doc: Rick hates her, the baby’s died, the baby’s died and is now a walker and is going to rip her open breaking free of her, she’s going to die in labor and go on a zombie rampage… (She had a lot of fears, and you had to hand it to her — some admirably inventive ones!)

JAILHOUSE SHOCK | While Rick, Daryl, T-Dog, Glenn, Maggie and Hershel were exploring (in hopes of securing) the rest of their wing of the prison, they were set upon by more walkers than you’d ever wanna see in a confined space. Even worse, while beating their hasty retreat, Hershel was bitten — big time!  Forced to act fast or lose Lori’s Ob/Gyn, Rick chopped off the doc’s leg! Only then did everyone look up and notice that they had an audience — some living, breathing inmates!

RELATED | Walking Dead Boss Addresses Prequel Buzz

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH | Elsewhere, Michonne — you remember, Andrea’s savior from the season finale — was still caring for her. And did she ever need some care! (“Whooping” would be the best way to describe her cough.) But, in spite of her condition, the blonde still convinced her new companion that they had to get moving. Where to? They didn’t really seem to have a plan. Nonetheless, with Michonne’s two jawless, armless zombie pets in tow, off they trudged into the wilds.

So, what did you think of the season premiere? Was it everything you hoped for and more… or just everything you hoped for? The comments section below awaits your reactions.