The X Factor Recap: Hang on Till Tomorrow, Come What May [Updated]

trevor moranBring on the dancing dogs! America’s Got X Factor finished its Season 2 auditions Thursday night, and I, for one, can’t wait to see how the Pekingese and the Poodle fare when they get to Boot Camp.

Okay, okay, I’m being a cranky beast from Hades, but Thursday night’s X Factor installment felt more like NBC’s summer variety special than a search for a legitimate musical superstar. There was the 13-year-old kid who passed out backstage from “dehydration” — a dark part of my brain imagined him whispering “Mom, did you slip my that Rohypnol like I asked you to?” — then rallied to “entertain” the troops with a moderately disturbing rendition of “Sexy and I Know It” (ass-spanking not included, thank God). There was the 540 lb. minister whose tale of losing almost half his body weight was decidedly more inspirational than his dated take on “Wind Beneath My Wings.” There was the a pigtailed proponent of the color pink and sequined high-tops belting “Tomorrow.” And each and every one of ’em made it past the judges.

Uff da.

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Let’s rank these people, despite the fact that most of ’em will be tear-soaked footnotes to Season 2 by the end of next week:

5) Trevor Moran’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” | “Everything that The X Factor is all about, you embody,” exclaimed L.A. Reid. Wait! What? If some smart NBC marketing exec wants to give viewers a reason to choose The Voice over its Fox rival, all she needs to do is cut an add using LA’s quote over Trevor’s heinously self-aware antics. Honestly, I don’t need to see a teenage boy gyrating his hips and squalling the line “look at that body” on repeat loop, a grin of smug self-satisfaction percolating just beneath the surface. Oh, and poor Florence + the Machine, having “Dog Days Are Over” get sullied in the background during Trevor’s victory march. Blech!

4) Freddie Combs’ “Wind Beneath My Wings” | Welcome to Extreme Makeover: X Factor Edition. Look, I’m really happy for the dude that he lost almost 400 pounds, and his wife’s total dedication was undeniably moving. But without the backstory, Freddie’s audition was a treacly, melodramatic mess — not fit for a solo in the church choir, let alone the X Factor stage. But then again, if Freddie hadn’t advanced to Boot Camp, Simon wouldn’t have been able to give the whole “I’ll back you if you back yourself” spiel that LA gave to Chris Rene in Season 1.

3) Jordyn Foley’s “Tomorrow” | I cannot believe the telecast’s third “best” audition involved an aggressively perky 12-year-old ad-libbing an inspirational spoken-word breakdown in the middle of an Annie soundtrack ballad. “I’d like to remind you, tomorrow is always at hand, and always look forward to the future!” Um, not if you and Trevor make it to the live shows, kid!

2) Owen Stuart’s “Airplanes” | Handsome, moderately talented 16-year-old arrived with a backstory about “the absolute worst pain I’ve ever felt” — which involved moving away from his girlfriend the night after their first kiss. (Exhibit A for why none of my kids are dating till they’re 30.) All the judges looked a little bored during Owen’s performance, but only Britney had the courage to vote “No.” I’ll admit, though, that I got a hearty chuckle over Owen telling some ladies backstage that he wrote “a whole album” about the girlfriend in question. Child, please, define “album.”

1) Lauren Jauregi’s “If I Ain’t Got You” | The lone standout of Episode 6 was this lovely teenager and her powerful-yet-delicate rendition of Alicia Keys’ big diva ballad. LA was right that Lauren’s got a “husky round voice” that’s chock full of maturity, but her upper register is really pretty, too. Is it possible the Season 2 champ could emerge from the worst of its audition episodes? I wouldn’t be entirely shocked.

39) Trevor Moran’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It”
38) Freddie Combs’ “Wind Beneath My Wings”
37) Quatrele Da’an Smith: Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”
36) Jordyn Foley’s “Tomorrow”
35) Normani Hamilton: Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools”
34) Brandon Hassan: Ray Lamontagne’s “Trouble”
33) Reed Deming: Bruno Mars’ “Grenade”
32) Jeremiah & Josh: an original track called “Now Life Starts”
31) Austin Carini’s “Wanted”
30) Arin Ray’s original track “Count on Me”
29) Tara Simon’s “Without You”
28) Owen Stuart’s “Airplanes”
27) Vino Alan: Ray Lamontagne’s “Trouble”
26) CeCe Frey: Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man”
25) Willie Jones: Josh Turner’s “Your Man”
24) Rizzloe Jones: Freestyle rap using the phrases “X Factor” and “marshmallow”
23) Nick Youngerman’s “Ice, Ice Baby”
22) Johnny Maxwell: an original track called “Do It Big”
21) Paige Thomas: Rose Royce’s “I’m Going Down”
20) Julia Bullock: Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks”
19) Sophie Tweed-Simmons’ “To Make You Feel Me My Love”
18) Tate Stevens: Randy Houser’s “Anything Goes”
17) Citizen: En Vogue’s “Don’t Let Go (Love)”
16) Ally Brooke: Jaci Velasquez’s “On My Knees”
15) David Correy’s “Just the Way You Are”
14) Nick Perrelli’s “Come Fly With Me”
13) Emblem3: an original track called “Sunset Boulevard”
12) Carly Rose Soneclar: Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good”
11) Jillian Jensen: Jessie J’s “Who You Are”
10) Diamond White: James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”
9) Dinah Jane Hansen’s “If I Were a Boy”
8) Panda Ross: Sam Cooke’s “Bring It on Home to Me”
7) Jason Brock: Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”
6) Jeffrey Adam Gutt: Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”
5) Daryl Black’s “Stereo Hearts”
4) Janell Garcia: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals’ “Paris (Ooh La La)”
3) Lauren Jauregi’s “If I Ain’t Got You”
2) Jessica Espinoza: Pink’s “Nobody Knows”
1) Sister C: Pistol Annies’ “Hell on Heels”

And with that, let me turn things over to you:

Who were your favorites from The X Factor‘s sixth episode of Season 2? Were there any moments that made you cringe? Hit the comments with your thoughts!