Big Brother Recap: Five Alive, Barely

After a brutal week of lessons that Porsche and Kalia won’t soon forget, Headmistress Chenbot flung her elimination ruler at either Shelly or Adam during Thursday night’s Big Brother. Did Jordan, Rachel, and Kalia vote to keep the sad non-competitor Adam or the all-beige matriarch Shelly? The answer may rile your electronic fortune-teller. READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Operation Dummy Drop

No one likes to see seven minutes of entertainment stretched into an hour-long batch of pregnant pauses and fart speculation, but that’s exactly what we witnessed on Wednesday night’s Big Brother. It’s like how that Anne Hathaway movie One Day felt like it lasted two months, you know? To kill time, the P.O.V. episode turned itself into a meditation on Porsche’s poor decision to open Pandora’s Box for a $5,000 payoff. To be fair: Very bad move, Porsche! But to be fairer to us, couldn’t Zingbot have come back to harass her about it? Or David Hasselhoff? …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Eviction Conniption

A thought occurred to me (!) about halfway through Thursday’s Big Brother: It’s all downhill from here. When Julie Chen sullenly declared that we’d witness a double eviction, I realized that dropping from eight to six houseguests jumpstarts not only a new leg of the game, but a new game. The old alliances? Warped and contorted beyond repair. The new lineup? A sinister tableau of underestimated, overblown, and fairly shell-shocked contenders. My verdict? Big Brother turned itself inside out and just became fantastic. And with this episode, the real fight begins. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Zing for the Moment

Yes, yes, we’ll get to the freakish results of the Power Of Veto competition in a short spell, but wait: Did Big Brother just bring back Zingbot 3000, the wisecracking robot who enters the manse for no reason, hurls insults at the remaining houseguests, and proclaims “ZING” after each punchline? Well, I’ll be: It’s the most human advancement of the season! Forget this dreary episode and the humiliating P.O.V. aftermath — we just watched these eight comatose bodies jolt to life thanks to the power of mockery. Lesson learned: We do God’s work when we call Rachel a braying hyena demon. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Total Soap Opera

I repeat the same five words before every athletic challenge on Big Brother: “It’s like the Soulless Olympics!” “Oh no. Jeff’s gonna win.” Most of the competitions at Chenbot Manor are suited for swifter, brawnier contestants, and the HOH detergent race on Sunday’s episode was no exception. To see ultra-lean Jeff jaunt into the lead (as we did on Thursday’s episode) wasn’t exciting. In fact, it was scathingly dull. But did he pull through on Sunday’s ep with the win, earning himself the distinction of Head of Household and a gold medal in the Soaptathlon? Join us as we relive the sudsy Sabbath. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Is Shelly Lying to Us?

Wednesday’s Big Brother yielded a cute veto game (with beanbags!) and a couple great Daniele moments (including a delicious last-minute backdooring), but the episode mainly served as an intense psychological examination of Shelly, A.K.A. The Beigest Person On Television. She’s Frappuccino beige, you guys, and damn near Danielle Staub beige. Fascinating lady, this Shelly. Let’s compare notes! …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Ranking Your New Top 9!

The worst part about Thursday night’s bracing eviction episode of Big Brother, which allowed one eliminated player to fight his/her way back into the game, was not its crummy competition, lame voting results, or Lawon’s frightening use of the words “special powers.” Close, though. It was how predictable it all was, and in the most depressing way possible. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: It's All Greek to Kalia

The problem with a demented social experiment like Big Brother, where the cameras always roll and the CBS.com live-feeds percolate day and night, is we know exactly what doesn’t make it to TV. We know what conflicts have been truncated, misrepresented, or eliminated entirely in the edit bay, and in the case of our HOH Kalia’s decision-making this week, we didn’t even get to watch one of her fellow houseguests sway her judgment. And I mean really sway her judgment. …READ MORE