The Antiguan national monument to sexytimes is kept at half-mast to mourn Des and Brooks’ failure to visit the “Overnight Fantasy Suite” during last week’s episode.
Host Chris Harrison cannot suppress a grin knowing he’s just scored a five-figure bonus for getting Des to ugly-cry within the first 30 seconds of their “morning after Brooks’ exit” interview.
“Is this how people are supposed to look when they feel empathy?”
Dry your tears, sister. The framed photographs of Drew and Chris in the background are a clear indicator that the “journey” is far from over.
(Please tell me I’m not the only one overcome with a burning urge to reupholster those blue plaid chair cushions.)
Holy crap! My mom wasn’t lying when she said some pretty twentysomething came to her garage sale last summer and bought her stash of 1970s nightgowns for $1.
“Brooks is not with us,” our host announces, as Chris and Drew secretly thank God that their “exotic” date didn’t involve one of those boundary-testing “swimming with sharks” excursions.
Proof that Des actually looked in the mirror and yet still decided to leave the house in that top.
“There’s just something not feeling right with Drew,” says Desiree, possibly confirming that the too-good-to-be-true suitor is an exact anatomical replica of a Ken doll.
“Man, that is one ugly top.”
“She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met,” weeps a just-dumped Drew. To which America replies, “Oh, honey!”
Drew is loaded into this unmarked van, where he’ll be driven to a field, euthanized and buried in a shallow grave. (I kid! I kid!) (But perhaps someone should put those shorts out of their misery.)
Finally, somebody got the girl a drink!
“Is that your poetry journal in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
“Ohhhhh!” (Tee hee hee.)
“UGH. It actually was your poetry journal.”
“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I’ve loved them,” weeps Des, making me feel like a chump for mocking her “journey” for the last 90 minutes. Thankfully, the surge of guilt passes quickly.
“It took a long time for me to finally give up on [my relationship with Brooks],” Des tells her brother, a mere 48 hours after the curiously coiffed suitor broke her heart. (Which makes me wonder if Des knows the meaning of the word “long.” After all, she thought “walking,” “running” and “jogging” were adjectives.)
Why recount Des and Chris’ boring sit-down with her family when we can look at this screengrab of an adorable turtle?
GET IT OFF MY TV, ABC!
“Brooks, look at that body. Brooks, look at that body. Brooks, look at that body. I work out!”
I have no punch line here. Dude really has perfected the fine art of a five-o-clock shadow.
The fine art of not chewing his nails, however…
“Babe, what do you think about selling this when filming is done and using it as a down payment on a condo?”
“Do you want to grow old together? Do you want to have kids with me? Or at least be on the cover of a mid-September issue of Us Weekly?” The end.