Nope, there’s nothing creepy about the first of Des’ three planned “exotic” dates — certainly not the part where she makes out with lovestruck Drew in front of a native Antiguan, who’s offering unsolicited encouragements like, “If the kiss is sloppy, you have to do it over,” and “Kiss! Kiss! Intense!”
“I haven’t had a ‘Good morning’ yet, only ‘Good nights,'” says Drew, who’s so earnest he makes the entire stable of Disney princes look like the Hell’s Angels. To distract yourself from the idea of Des and Drew consummating their relationship in the Fantasy Suite — and the ickiness of host Chris Harrison being the one to send them a hand-written invitation to spend the night in that den of iniquity — riddle me this: What the hell is that tomato-lime tree thingy on the left side of this screengrab?
The action cuts to Brooks, who visits Boise, Idaho to share some shocking news with his mom and sister before he gets on the plane to Antigua: “The idea of me proposing to [Des] at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable.” Sheesh, it’s almost like dude has watched previous seasons of this crapsterpiece and knows his inevitable-future cheating scandal will be on the cover of InTouch six months from now.
Desiree’s heart belongs to Brooks, but until he gets his untamed tresses to Antigua, her bikini-clad body belongs to Chris (the third contestant, not the host of the show).
How come these people never touch their food? Aren’t they half-insane with hunger? Or do they just fill the screaming void with alcohol and the thrill of being followed around by camera crews?
OH GAWD. CHRIS IS READING ANOTHER ONE OF HIS “POEMS”: And now here we are/ One week after you met my family/ One week from the possibility of forever/ And I’m not nervous/ I’m excited. (Um, is it just me or does Desiree appear thisclose to hysterical laughter? And is it wrong that this makes me respect her a little more?)
C’mon, ABC, that’s just gratuitous.
Brooks admits to Chris Harrison that Desiree is not the love of his life, and that he doesn’t think time will make him any more willing to propose to her. “As a man,” replies our stoic host, “this is a conversation you need to have on TV.” (OK, OK, I added the “on TV” part, but you know it’s totally what Harrison meant, right?) (Also: WHERE DO I GET THAT SHIRT?)
Brooks is already misty-eyed by the time he arrives for his date with Desiree. He tells her he doesn’t see their relationship lasting when the cameras stop rolling, then begins to caress his one true love: His thick, product-laden hair.
“It just sucks that I loved you. I do love you. Regardless,” says a sobbing Desiree, after what feels like 47 minutes of back-and-forth. Brooks acts totes shocked to hear the news, having incorrectly assumed/hoped Des was leaning toward Drew or Chris. Meanwhile, a genius ABC exec finds the perfect opportunity to flash the name of the network’s new fall series, Betrayal, across the bottom of the screen.
BEHOLD! In his moment of anguish, Brooks’ hair rises like a phoenix — or a cockatoo — from the ratings/relationship ashes!
A sage Bachelorette producer cuts to a shot of Brooks’ hair’s spirit animal.
You can’t spell devastated without ‘D, E and S.’ But as far as horrible breakups go, at least girlfriend has some really nice scenery to distract her, right?
Oh, honey! Still crying? You’re the one who broke it off with her! J’enough!
WAIT! THERE IS HOPE FOR A FAIRYTALE ENDING! At least that’s how I interpret this over-the-credits shot of two crazy-in-love doves. Can some egregious product placement for Neil Lane diamonds be far behind? (Because you know Neil Lane did not fly to Antigua for nothin’, people!)