2015-07-22 13.23.16

Cold open a la James Bond. Fair enough, Fin has earned it.

2015-07-22 13.24.03

Late for his awards ceremony at the White House, Fin practically runs straight inside the heavily guarded building.

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“And where is Fin? Probably trying to get eaten by another shark.”

— April’s mom (played by Bo Derek) makes clear her distaste for Fin’s fish-fighting. The ladies have a complex relationship.

2015-07-22 13.25.39

Right, as if a cocksure businessman could run for President of the United States with barely any political experience! Silly movie.

2015-07-22 13.26.44

“I feel for the sharks, but they’re wrecking our schools, our roads…” Ladies and gentleman, Vice President Ann Coulter!

2015-07-22 13.27.26

Security guard Lou Ferrigno asks Fin for a selfie. (Just don’t make him angry by saying no!)

2015-07-22 13.28.01

Yes, Fin is being honored with a golden chainsaw. And yes, he will soon enough use it to slice and dice some sharks.

2015-07-22 13.29.17

“These sharks have a scent, and it’s not a pretty one.” — Fin awes President Mark Cuban with his sixth sense

2015-07-22 13.35.09

No. They did not just reenact the Iwo Jima statue. But they did.

2015-07-22 13.35.50

VP Coulter “surfs” her way to safety… on a presidential portrait.

2015-07-22 13.36.47

Take that, Will Smith. Sharknado one-ups Independence Day by impaling one national landmark with another.

2015-07-22 13.37.21

Annnnnnd… commence the nearly non-stop shilling of NBC Universal/Comcast properties, from the invitingly photographed theme park to its super-helpful staffers, to the Xfinity cable system and Today hosts Matt Lauer & Co.

2015-07-22 13.38.20

Apparently, it’s a very, very big deal that Fin’s daughter has changed her hair color since the last movie. Since it is mentioned several times. Hey, Sharknado fans are sticklers for continuity!

2015-07-22 13.40.40

Even more significant than the daughter’s hair color change is the return of Nova, a Sharknado 1 heroine who gets a dramatic introduction that is as beefy as her outfit is sparse.

But be kind — she suffers from post-traumatic shark disorder.

2015-07-22 13.43.02

Meet Nova’s eager-beaver sidekick Lucas (played by Malcolm in the Middle’s Frankie Muniz). His nickname may as well be “Dead Meat.”

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When last we tuned in, April had lost a limb to a shark. Now she has a bionic hand…

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… that comes with a buzz-saw attachment! (Mom Bo Derek isn’t a fan, however.)

2015-07-22 13.46.52

Hi, our sole purpose is to service a clumsy, barely written teen romance story and show off some theme park rides.

2015-07-22 13.49.57

Piloting the sonic jet that was generously lent to her by the Army, Nova reminisces to Fin, “When you pulled me or of that shark, I thought I was dead. Afterwards, nothing was the same.” We can only imagine.

2015-07-22 13.49.22

Having had both his legs and both his arms chomped off by four separate sharks, plucky Lucas makes like a Monty Python knight and triggers the failsafe button using his chin.

2015-07-22 14.02.31

Fin and Nova happen to crash-land… in the lagoon at the theme park where April is scampering around! And emerge all slo-mo and wet/half-naked-like!

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Fin even finds himself smack dab in the middle of Universal Studios’ backstage tour thing.

2015-07-22 14.05.40

Game of Thrones auteur George R.R. Martin is the target of a red blood-letting at a screening of “Shark Wedding.”

2015-07-22 14.07.34

Even the Universal globe gets to play hero, rolling Fin and friends to (some semblance of) safety!

Sharknado_CJ

In one of the more “suspenseful” kills, a shark goes back and forth on a loop-de-loop coaster, until it finally gets within chomping distance of Chris Jericho.

2015-07-22 14.11.44

Going by mission control’s verbal countdown to liftoff, April found and got into a space suit in less than 20 seconds!

2015-07-22 14.12.34

Check out what Nova’s packing: “75-caliber mascara.” Because why not.

2015-07-22 14.13.25

“How are you so good at that?”

“I’m a Shepard!”

2015-07-22 14.14.27

“Star Wars? I heard that didn’t work.”

“That’s what you were supposed to think.”

—Fin’s father (The Hoff) reveals “Plan B,” to use SDI to shoot down the sharknado wall

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And not a moment too soon, for their collective dignity.

2015-07-22 14.15.47

Why yes, that is a giant, super-powerful laser shooting down from the sky, dissipating a wall of sharknados without a single civilian casualty!

Sharknado_SIS

All together on three:

”Sharks! In! Space!”

OK, this is the kind of nuttiness I tuned in for, though I’m shocked they didn’t save outer space for No. 4.

2015-07-22 14.17.30

So, during one of their brief spots of downtime, Nova made Fin a laser chainsaw. Literally nothing has been saved for Sharknado 4.

2015-07-22 14.18.08

And yet the best is yet to come. Because as April is swallowed whole….

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… Finn purposely floats straight into said shark’s jaw, punches a hole through his belly and jerry-rigs a parachute to float them down to Earth.

2015-07-22 14.19.28

“But wait,” you bark, “April was pregnant!” No more! She done give birth whilst inside the shark’s belly…!!!

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WHILE KEEPING HER SPANDEX SHORTS ON!

2015-07-22 14.20.20

Fin names the wee one after his father Gilbert — or, you know, “Gil.”

2015-07-22 14.20.29

Speaking of Dad, he’s floated over to the surface of the moon — space travel is easy that way — where he’s hanging with some dead sharks.

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But wait, there’s one last bite of drama — space wreckage is about to land on April! Your tweets will decide if #AprilLives or #AprilDies, for Sharknado 4.