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Revenge

“Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years.”

Nolan (Gabriel Mann), invoking LL Cool J as some patent lawyers wonder why he wants to get back into the tech world

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine

“Eyes closed, head first, can’t lose!”

Peralta (Andy Samberg), mangling an inspirational Friday Night Lights quote while accepting a dangerous undercover assignment

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Good Day New York

“Look at these idiots. Gwyneth Paltrow: ‘Oh, it’s so hard to be a movie star!’ Go work at Macy’s, you dumb bitch!”

Joan Rivers, riffing on Paltrow’s recent comments about how her job as an actress makes her life more challenging than those of mothers who work office jobs

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Hannibal

“Oh, I bet you’re a devil at the bridge table.”

Imprisoned Dr. Abel Gideon (Eddie Izzard), cheekily commenting on the unreadable face of the titular Dr. Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen)

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Arrow

“Or as I like to call her, ‘Oliver’s Psycho Ex-Girlfriend Hellbent on Revenge Against Her Father.'”

“Ex-girlfriend…?”

“That’s what’s you took from that sentence?”

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards), giving Sara (Caity Lotz) the 411 on Helena — leaving Oliver (Stephen Amell) bemused by what Sara zeroed in on

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Cougar Town

“Wine Spectator gave this episode 96 points.”

The show’s ever-changing title card, reflecting the vino-obsessed nature of its characters

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RuPaul’s Drag Race

“Pretend it’s gas. Just leave it in the hallway.”

Bianca, encouraging drama queen Laganja to shake off her latest snit fit before going back on stage

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Modern Family

“Vegas, you have a gambling problem and her name is Claire.”

Claire (Julie Bowen), preparing to win back a secret vacation fund the city stole from her years prior

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Girls

“What’s gotten into you? You were into such a deep groove begrudging the success of others.”

Ray (Alex Karpovsky), marveling at Hannah’s excitement over her boyfriend’s Broadway debut

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The Good Wife

“Sondra, can you call this phone in five minutes and let me know I have a phone call?”

Alicia (Julianna Margulies), letting ethics investigator Nelson Dubeck (Eric Bogosian) know, in the bitchiest terms possible, that he’ll only have limited time to speak with her

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American Idol

“I really enjoy hunting. I believe it’s a skill that you should have. Because when the end of the world comes, you’re gonna want the redneck on your team.”

Contestant Jessica Meuse, sharing information on what she does in her free time

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Once Upon a Time

“A farmhouse… You have to appreciate the irony.”

Emma (Jennifer Morrison), upon realizing where Oz’s infamous Wicked Witch of the West has made camp in Storybrooke

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Helix

“What are you doing?”

“Entrusting you with the fate of the world.”

“Oh, is that all?”

Alan (Billy Campbell), handing off both the virus and cure canisters to Julia (Kyra Zagorsky) before attempting their escape

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New Girl

“I just think about passing things, nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake… We live in a town with a sense of history but not so much history that the locals are suspicious of new people. We have two small children, who are so incredibly creative they named themselves. We don’t need to discipline the kids because they’re so afraid of disappointing us. Our house smells like cider. And if there’s a horse out back, you’re not gonna get any guff from me! Anyway, that’s where I’m at.”
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), letting a spooked Nick (Jake Johnson) know exactly how much she’s been thinking about their future