Related Galleries
Riverdale Season 3 Romance 
Quotes of the Week for Feb 
Jane the Virgin Season 5
1 of 24
Quotes of the Week: Best Zingers From Crazy Ones, Revolution, Modern Family, Oscars & More
Scandal
“Wine is not beer, and popcorn is most definitely not food.”
Jake (Scott Foley), having apparently not gotten the memo about how Gladiators roll, complains about pretend girlfriend Olivia’s understocked kitchen
New Girl
“Great. We hit a parked car in the same neighborhood they shot freakin’ Children of Men.”
Schmidt (Max Greenfield), after crashing Cece’s vehicle while secretly following his girlfriend Abby to a seedy apartment building
Bates Motel
“Yes, I just called you a d—, because that's what you are. I'm stuck here now, because I can't sell my property because of your stupid bypass. I'm underwater! No one told me that before I bought it. Maybe you should talk about that at a city council meeting. Or maybe you should talk about the fact that your fancy town is run on drug money. Maybe that would be worth talking about as opposed to crazy housemoms whining about whether or not their kids have read about axe murderers and whores. Welcome to the world, ladies! There are axe murderers and whores stuffed under every rug, so your kids better read up on it and get educated, because that's what life is! It's a cesspool you claw and scratch and fight to swim out of, but you never get to the top!”
Norma (Vera Farmiga), taking center stage at a city council meeting
The Crazy Ones
“Are the needles they use for permanent make-up painful?”
“Did you say, ‘Was Abraham Lincoln gay?'”
Sydney (Sarah Michelle Gellar), getting misinterpreted after asking Siri a question
The Crazy Ones (Bonus Quote!)
“A very wise person once said, ‘No matter what you do, it’s bound to be a waste of time in the end, so you may as well go mad.'”
“Who was that, Jack Kerouac?”
“Kim Cattrall.”
Owen (Steve Talley) and Sydney (Sarah Michelle Gellar), debating whether or not Sydney can be late for work
The Originals
“They have a soprano to die for. I’ll introduce you if you promise not to eat her.”
“A good soprano is never dinner.”
Klaus’ wolfy new ally and Elijah (Daniel Gillies) discussing their opera plans
Glee
“The only thing I can see you giving birth to is a bushel of Russet potatoes.”
Sue (Jane Lynch), weighing in on Beiste's reproductive prospects
86th Academy Awards
"From the Oscar-winning animated movie Frozen, please welcome the Wicked-ly talented, one and only Adele Dazim"
John Travolta, brutally botching his introduction of Idina Menzel’s performance of the Oscar-winning ballad “Let It Go”
Revolution
“Some chick in a belly shirt.”
“Belly shirt in a blackout. Yeah, that seems super real.”
“And there are lots of crossbows and swords. Plus, I get the crap beat out of me like constantly.
A “Matrixed” Aaron (Zak Orth) telling his wife Priscilla (Maureen Sebastian) about what he remembers from the other, blackout world
Castle
“…because it’s clear to me that what we both need, right now, is a really good font.”
Beckett (Stana Katic), readying to sway Castle’s mind on a wedding invitation decision
The Big Bang Theory
“If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life!”
“Thank you, Sheldon!”
“Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled! But not as big!”
Sheldon (Jim Parsons) and Howard (Simon Helberg), getting sentimental as they experience panic-inducing turbulence on an airplane
RuPaul’s Drag Race
“It looked like she went to Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack and said, 'I’ll take it!'”
Bianca Del Rio, describing extensively bejeweled fellow contestant Joslyn Fox
Trophy Wife
“I'm gonna share with you a little wisdom from my hot-air balloon instructor: Rise above it.”
Jackie (Michaela Watkins) advising Kate (Malin Ackerman) to get over the fact that Jackie told a group of snobby suburban moms that Kate was a stripper
Reign
“Mary may be Scotland’s Queen, but I am its King.”
“Has Scotland noticed that its King has rather overexposed breasts?”
Mary’s mother Marie de Guise (Amy Brenneman) and Queen Catherine (Megan Follows) trading barbs
Arrow
“…but you’ve still gotta act stoned to sell it.”
“Lucky for me, before all this I had a lot of practice.”
Oliver (Stephen Amell), getting the 411 on the sodium pentathol counter-agent Sara has cooked up
Mom
“I told them that I don’t want my kid being raised by religious fanatics: I want it raised by homosexuals!”
Violet (Sadie Calvano), explaining to her mom (Anna Faris) and grandmother (Allison Janney) how she responded to her boyfriend’s parents insisting that they adopt her unborn child
Nashville
"What does this cost — about $10,000?"
"Give or take a couple bucks."
"Well, enjoy every penny."
Juliette (Hayden Panettiere), rejecting the gift of a very expensive bottle of champagne from her sleazy former label chief (Oliver Hudson) by slamming it down and letting it flow all over his table
Modern Family
“Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another — we mean well.”
Claire (Julie Bowen), speculating about daughter Alex’s decision to “ironically” attend a school dance with a boy she not-so-secretly likes
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
“Pro: In Brazil, the nonstop drinking and partying is called ‘Carnival.’ Con: In New York, it’s called ‘the fourth hour of the Today Show.'”
Jimmy Fallon, discussing the pros and cons of Mardi Gras
Hawaii Five-0
“I figure we ought to get you a Five-0 Grover Signal. That way you can just throw it up in the sky when you need me.”
“No one wants to see your name in lights.”
“And nobody on the planet wants to see you in tights.”
Grover (Chi McBride), fancying himself Batman with McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) and Danny (Scott Caan)
Cougar Town
"I wish I would’ve had a jumpsuit made out of this material in juvie."
Laurie (Busy Philipps), marveling at her ongoing inability to make even the slightest scratch or dent in Bobby’s expensive new handbag
Grey’s Anatomy
“I'm not gonna let a buncha hyprocrites tell me to keep my pants on at work when this place was built on all of you feeling each other up in our on-call room!”
Alex (Justin Chambers), after being chastised by Grey Sloan's board members for breaking their new rule against fraternization
2 Broke Girls
“He’s not leaving his wife for you. It’s just a thing you say to pretty women to get them into bed — like 'I’m a Russian prince' or 'That was a good story.'”
Oleg (Jonathan Kite) to Caroline, after Nicolas says he's leaving his wife for her
Saturday Night Live
“"Oh em effing Gee, I'm like a legit snake and I know this sounds crazy, but you should, like, totally eat the apple. And I know, like, God told you no, but like, that was just a guideline. Plus, it'll make you, like, so smart. And no offense, but I feel like a girl like you, like, needs to be smart."”
A hybrid of the Garden of Eden’s serpent and Girls‘ fast-talking Shoshanna (Vanessa Bayer), tempting a navel-gazing Eve (Lena Dunham) in a spoof trailer for a Biblical big-screen adaptation
