Most Tragic Use of a Chyron to Describe A Contestant’s Profession: “Former NBC Dancer”? Girl, there’s no shame in working at the Gap.
Most Tragic Use of Air Quotes to Describe One’s Profession: “I kind of do, like, spokesmodeling-slash-swimsuit modeling and stuff,” said Michelle. By which she means she’s an exotic dancer, right?
Most Romantic Moment: Vanessa and Jason wiping sweat and cave debris off their mouths to prep for their first kiss.
Best (Worst?) Reduction of a Competitor to a Single Body Part: “I don’t want to go to the Oasis with that,” growled Jenny, eyeing up the busty rival she later dubbed “Boobs McGee.”
Best (Worst?) Reduction of the Competition to Mere Meat: “You’re intimidated by the new flesh that came in?” Mean Girl Ali asked Cinna of the new contestants
Drama Queen of the Week: Jenny insists Ben allow her to have a crying fit, since she hasn’t broken down once during the entire grueling process of filming the first two episodes of an NBC dating-adventure series.
Classiest Entrance: Michelle knows the best way to capture a man’s fancy is to stoll into a room with visible ass cleavage.
Most Evocative Examination of Another Contestant’s Anatomy: Jenny complaining that Michelle’s head-sized breasts could double as a dinner table.
Most Evocative Examination of One’s Own Anatomy: Look at Michelle, subtly checkin’ out the gals while chatting up Jenny in the pool!
Best Example of Why Sororities Can Be Dangerous: “They should expect some hazing! Hazing is fun!” smiled Ali, discussing her new rivals
Outraged Response to a Breakup You Probably Shouldn’t Be Able to Use in Episode 3: “But we had intimate relations!” Hey, is there still room for Tara on ABC’s Bachelor Pad?
Best Parting Shot With Side Eye: “Jesse, if I could say one last thing to you it would basically be you’re pathetic, and basically you’re just gonna suck for the rest of your life.” Oh, Tara, we hardly knew ye. (Neither did Jesse.)