“Whaddya wanna do tonight? Go to a strip club, have dinner with my wife..?”
“Are those separate options, or does she work at the strip club?”
“You wanna know, you gotta go.”
Hitchcock (Dirk Blocker) looks to replace Charles as Jake’s new best buddy
JANE THE VIRGIN
"A hug from Rogelio is like a rabbit's foot: lucky, rare and soft to the touch.”
Rogelio (Jaime Camil) offers Xo (Andrea Navedo) a lucky embrace before an important meeting
JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!
“I waited ’til Hitler was dead!”
Mel Brooks, bringing up the plot of his own film The Producers when asked about the recent controversy over The Interview
PROJECT RUNWAY ALL STARS
“I love this high neck. It's almost ecclesiastical. And nautical. It's like ‘gay priest on a yacht.'”
Isaac Mizrahi, getting creative with his appraisal of Fabio Costa's menswear design
“Those are some sorry excuses for personal computers. Nice monitors.”
"They’re government issue!"
"By the First Continental Congress?"
Cyber-hacker Heidi (Erin Allin O'Reilly) hits McGee (Sean Murray) where it hurts most
"Check it out: #redistheneworange. You know, from Orange Is the New Black."
"Billy, now you're just saying colors."
Billy (Dan Bucatinsky), trying in vain to tell Valerie (Lisa Kudrow) that the Internet loves her new series, Seeing Red
"I've met Vail before, and I thought that she was this fabulous girl that's probably jet-setting off to France. You know what’s a good cure for thinking someone’s fabulous? Learning they just took a hosting job at Sur."
Former Sur waitress Stassi dissing the restaurant's newest hire, Vail
“I like this room — I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Why is it taking me so long to die?”
Birdy (Ann Morgan Guilbert) has mixed feelings when the hospital staff evicts her from a private Hospice suite
GETTING ON (Bonus Quote!)
“I don’t trust any of you. I would advise none of you to trust each other, either. And yet paradoxically, we all have to pitch in and work together — it’s like Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”
Dr. James (Laurie Metcalf), gives a not-so-inspiring pep talk to her staff as they prepare to be investigated for possible Hospice fraud
THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS
"He was rude, abrupt, he was smug. It was actually the most pleasant he's ever been to me."
Adam (Justin Hartley), describing his first run-in with Daddy Dearest Victor since getting a new face and a new identity
NCIS: LOS ANGELES
”You could pull out whatever you want. I can’t guarantee you’ll leave with it, though.”
Kensi (Daniela Ruah) advises a pervy perp against showing her his package
NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Bonus Quote!)
"Can you list the items that were stolen?"
"Sure — I’m missing six tablets, three laptops… and one Xena: Warrior Princess leather miniskirt and matching armored bustier.”
"Wow. Not creepy at all."
Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) casts side-eye at a high-tech robbery victim's random predilection
"Gene, what do we got going on this week?"
"Uh, you've got a bath night I can move around, but you've already moved it twice."
"Let's cancel it."
Louise (Kristen Schaal) and Gene (Eugene Mirman), juggling their "busy" schedule upon learning that sis Tina was suddenly available to hang with them more often
BOB’S BURGERS (Bonus Quote!)
"Ack! It's Middle-Aged Mom Barbie!"
"I like your hair. It matches your teeth."
Gene (Eugene Mirman) and Tina (Dan Mintz), getting their first look at newly blonde mom Linda
PERSON OF INTEREST
"Well, I'm glad we all agree you’re going to stay put — especially since we know it would be impossible to keep you locked up. Against your will, anyway."
Root (Amy Acker) flirts with thoughts of a bound Shaw
“Why? You can’t be embarassed. For God’s sake, your water broke at the prom, you can’t top that.”
Christy (Anna Faris), wonders why her daughter Violet refuses to go to therapy
"I'm not a big fan of lox."
"Oh, really? That's funny. When I think Alexis, I just think cold fish."
Olivia (Lisa LoCicero), serving romantic rival Alexis (Nancy Lee Grahn) way more than breakfast
“I feel, for the first time in my life, I’m a winner!”
“Yes, you won a gay-man prize”
April (Calista Flockhart) views her new romance with sexually fluid Kip a little more optimistically than Kip’s wife Fiona (Lisa Kudrow)
THE COLBERT REPORT
“So I guess I’ll be gone forever.”
“Oh, no, Stephen. We’ll always be there for the American people whenever they need us the most.”
“Right! [beat] Yeah, but aren’t you Canadian?”
“I’ve had dual citizenship since 1998.”
“…Yeah, that’s not the same.”
Stephen Colbert and Alex Trebek, debating the Jeopardy! host’s American identity
“We’ve all got a monster inside of us, Clarke. And we’re all responsible for what it does when we let it out.”
Lincoln (Ricky Whittle) gives out the harsh truth about Finn’s actions
“I really do like spending money. But now my credit cards are maxed, I’ve got no cash, plus I’m homeless!”
“You know whose help you need?”
“Don’t say Steve Harvey. Please. Don’t say Steve Harvey.”
Eliza (Karen Gillan), bemoaning her financial woes with Charmonique (Da’Vine Joy Randolph)
“Ronny, I met someone who’d be perfect for you!”
“Sean, you once tried to set me up with a lesbian.”
“You had just come out. I didn’t know your type.”
There’s a reason Sean (Jimmy Dunn) doesn’t often play matchmaker for brother Ronny (Tyler Ritter)
THE McCARTHYS (Bonus Quote!)
“Jake and I used to play games. We still have an unfinished Monopoly game on the kitchen table. … It’s like a tiny ghost town.”
Pam (Alyson Hannigan) ruins the McCarthys’ Christmas Eve dinner with tales of her recent breakup
ONCE UPON A TIME
"Cruella! I thought I caught a whiff of desperation and gin."
"Shall I get you a step stool so you can look in my eyes as you threaten me?”
Rumplestiltskin (Robert Carlyle) and Cruella de Vil (Victoria Smurfit) obviously have a prickly past
THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON
“In a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie of this year was Boyhood. Makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple hours.”
Jimmy dishes President Obama’s current job stress
HART OF DIXIE
“I have two more seasons of The L Word to watch. It has been quite educational.”
Newly out lesbian Crickett (Brandi Burkhardt) is discovering a whole new world
BARBARA WALTERS PRESENTS: THE 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2014
“I like that I can call him my husband and not my partner. That sounds like we're in business together. Or we're cowboys.”
Neil Patrick Harris, on his marriage to husband David Burtka
AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW
"You all came down here to Jupiter, Florida, to pick a buncha pockets? I wasn't born on a farm, but I do know bulls—t when I smell it. And I gotta say, that is some bulls—t."
Desiree (Angela Bassett) to Maggie (Emma Roberts), after the latter lies that she's pickpocketing the freaks
AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW (Bonus Quote!)
“Like my Uncle Charlie says: A goat’s a goat, and not a chicken. But God loves us all. [beat] I added that last part about God.”
The still-demure Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe), after Rita (Mare Winningham) explains the trouble of having a freak for a sister
AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW (Double Bonus Quote!)
"The death of a beloved monster is always a sorrow but never a surprise. If oddly formed organs or a random physical anomaly doesn't claim them, then it's the sheer intensity of their blaze. A carny's life burns larger and brighter than most. It is bound to extinguish sooner."
Elsa (Jessica Lange), waxing poetic after the death of Pepper's mate, Salty